10 Reasons Why You Hate On Janet

I know it’s been some time since the last post, but I’ve been busy. Yes, running with the bulls in Spain, and going door-to-door spreading the gospel of our beloved Janet Jackson on Saturday mornings at 8 a.m. passing out Rhythm Nation pamphlets and “Make Me” advertisements. Yes kids, “Make Me” is now available on iTunes. I’m not the best at keeping people informed about what is going on with Janet. But if you want to know up-to-date information, always check out the Rhythmless Sister City Janet Central. They have all the tea on Ms. Janet.



Anyway, I was sitting in class bored out of my mind reflecting on the week’s events, thinking about the routine things: how much work I could have done yesterday that I didn’t do, how many days until I get my next unemployment check, and Janet. In my attempts to understand why people hate on others, be it Janet, Michael, Beyoncé, Elmer Fud, whoever. So I came to 10 conclusions as to why people take pleasure in hating on Janet:



1. She’s a Jackson.

Janet is the youngest child of 9, not including Joe’s bastard child. But she’s SOMEWHAT part of the family, so I guess we here at the Rhythmless headquarters can support her. She even has her own blog. But anyway, you hate Janet because she’s a Jackson. She is the youngest member of the greatest entertaining family of all time, and the most successful family in music, and music royalty. She’s part of a dynasty that many of your favorite artists strive to emulate, but sadly fail miserably. At one point, every member of the Jackson family was successful. Yes, even LaToya. I know it pains you that your faves can’t be part of the Jackson family, but that’s the way love goes. It’s human nature. Keep trying; the Osmonds couldn’t stop the Jacksons. The Knowles can’t do it. The Debarge’s tried it by marrying one of the loose cannons. Keep dreaming, I know it hurts, but you’ll get over it.



2. She’s a flop.

For quite some time, it has been reported that Janet has sold over 100 million records worldwide. For a solo artist, that’s quite impressive. And to think she didn’t have to piggy back and use a group’s sales figures with her own solo sales to make her sales APPEAR more impressive. There are only a few artists who have sold over 100 million records. Others are just jealous because they know their faves can barely sell their image, let alone an album. Most haters anti-Janet fans like to hate on Janet by using her “flop” albums to define her career. They always talk about the sales Damita Jo, 20 Y.O., Discipline, Janet Jackson, and Dream Street. However they will never talk about those 6 albums between Control and All For You that sold in the excess of 90 million records. I mean, is there really a reason to be concerned about the charts considering this, this, and this? In addition to Billboard calling Janet Chart Royalty. I guess it sucks to be Janet.



3. She’s irrelevant.

What’s a Janet Jackson?







Janet Jackson has become so irrelevant that we here at the Rhythmless head quarters often have to Google her to remember who she is. Somewhere in between Super Bowl 2004 and June 25, 2009, Janet Jackson sunk deeper and deeper into the sea of irrelevance. Ironically, it appears that the kids of the new millennium seem to be incapable of creativity and innovation, and are forced to swagger jack her moves, videos, choreography, etc. I’ve been YouTube and seen such fuckery as this, this, and this. The kids can’t help but to bring her down to their levels to compare. But if we must:







Now I’m no optometrist, but the viewing the video confirms our theory of irrelevance. There’s a lack of originally in today’s music artists. So what’s the best option? Swagger jack the irrelevant artists from yesteryear. In August 2009, it only took two hours for these photos to make it across the web at 2 am in the morning. Who else can send the entertainment world up in a frenzy at that hour? Only the irrelevant artists. August and September was also a very trying time for Janet. I mean, no one knew she was going to perform at the VMAs until someone leaked the info that Janet was opening the show. By Tuesday, everyone had taken the back seat to Janet’s tribute performance. I mean, Sway even had to leave the barber shop from getting his Kunta Kinte dred locks done to do a promo for Janet performance after the news leaked...

MTV Shows

And do we even need to address this irrelevance?



Let’s not, and say we did.



4. She’s fat.

Janet has always been the size of the Goodyear Blimp, but as of late she’s been giving Kate Moss a run for her money. I mean, wouldn’t you be upset if your abs looked like over-cooked dinner rolls?



I know I would. What a waste of time and energy to remain the ideal 5’5 120 pounds for 20+ years? I know I wouldn’t. Because I know I like to make nightly visit to Mr. Edy’s, and me and Ms. Betty Crocker have become the best of friends at late night hours. In the past 6 or 7 years of life, I’ve gone from a size 28, to a size 30, and back down to a size 28. My weight goes up and down like Cassie at a Bad Boys board meeting. Janet, at 40, was probably at her worst:



Notice the gut, the double chin, and the thunder thighs? She resembles the Michelin Tire Man if you ask me:



Hopefully Janet will push away from the buffet table, and pick up a membership card at Bally’s.



5. You’re ugly.

I know ugly is such a harsh word. So we’ll say, you’re…aesthetically unpleasing to the blind. Studies have shown that unattractive women are more prone to hating on pretty women, than attractive women hating on unattractive women. It is very common to find people whose faces look like plastic surgery gone wrong hating on others like Janet. Attractive women have better things to do with their time, such as being pretty, stealing other people’s man, and making unattractive women jealous of their good looks. The ugliness not only implies physical features, but personality as well. You being ugly is also applicable to your unnecessary hate. Kicking Janet while she's down is also an example of being ugly. Trying to discredit her contributions to the industry, and what she has done with her career is another example of ugliness. And we here at the Rhythmless headquarters will not stand for it, for we are a nation with rhythmic boundaries. We will come to your house and slice your face open. Is it Janet's fault that you don't even have a face for radio? Could it be that you have a face that even God would be embarrassed of? Don't blame Janet for your severe aesthetic deficiencies.



6. She’s old.

This doesn't have much to do with age or looks, but it's clear Janet looks a youthful 86:

You sit and wonder, will my favorite artist be around in 36 years like Janet? Hell, some artists today are struggling to stay relevant. Someone in the peak of their career shouldn't be doing reality shows. You can only use VH1 as a means to come out of retirement so many times before it gets old. [plays Flavor of Love]. Well living in America, it appears that any person over the age of 40 is old. This is includes Janet, Whitney, Mariah, Beyoncé, Halle Berry, Minnie Mouse, etc. At 43, Janet is still giving the girls a run for their money. While girls nearly half Janet’s age are doing this, Janet is doing this. I know it pains the haters that Janet can still snatch their faves’ wigs, but who is to blame? Janet is like a freight train, the other flops are like Thomas The Tank Engine…while some are The Little Engine That Could. Janet can still put on a show. While some artists are still touring at family reunions and church picnics, Janet has sold out is selling out arenas and stadiums around the world. There’s no fashion gets up, no falling down stairs, no army of dancers, acrobats, or Cirque Du Soleil stunts happening on stage. I see why you’re mad.



7. She be shit’n on you hoe.





How does Janet shit on thee? Let us count the ways:

1. Chart success 

2. Record sales

3. Tours

4. Records set/broken

5. Videos

6. Blood type

7. Awards

8. Albums

9. Being a Jackson

10. Lacefronts/weaves/makeup



This is just a chip off the old block. How Janet shits on thee is endless. But because Hawthorne is about to come on, I’ll cut it short. Just know that Janet be shit’n on you hoe. [insert ghetto dance here]





8. She wines and dines with Aretha.

No, this isn’t about food. Although Janet is good friends with Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, and her neighbor Ms. Betty Crocker. It’s about respect she commands from an audience of her peers, or the generation that is stealing from her.










When Janet walks into a room, everyone stands and shows nothing but respect. There are only a few women who have such stage presence. Ciara is not one of them. She is respected by legends, icons, superstars, child custody social workers, and even the fat lady at the DMV who has no business wearing tight pants with thighs bigger than Kanye's ego. When Janet walks into a room, you stand, you bow, and wash her feet.


9. You stan for a flop.

Now I don’t mean this harshly or literally, but I’m pretty sure if you’re hating on Janet, talking about her flop albums or her lack of chart success (as of late), I’m fairly confident in my assumption of you stanning for a flop. Don’t be upset with Janet because your fave’s best selling album has only been certified double cardboard, and the singles were bubbling under the Hot 100 waiting list. Being bitter about your fave being the best selling flop, or struggling to get nominated for a Source Award does not give you the permission to hate on Janet. Once you accept Janet into your heart as your musical Lord and Savior, you will walk in the valley and fear no evil.



10. You stan for another artist.

I've noticed stans of other arists like to project their faves short-comings on Janet. The Mariah fans like to talk about Janet not selling. But Mariah is the same person who did this:



I mean, what's worse?

Beyonce stans like to hate on Janet for a multitude of reasons. Why? I don't know. Are you really free to hate on others when your favorite artist is being sued every year for song she CLAIMS she wrote, can't keep her balance on stage, and swagger jacks everyone from Janet to Captain Planet? Let's be real with yourselves, so we can be real with you. Madonna fans, well, she's Madonna. They have room to hate. But being jealous of Janet's youthful looks, her black child, and superior stage performance is rather trivial in my eyes. But as stated, I'm not an optometrist. I'm not sure if people are upset that Janet has never give the paparazzi a shot of her cooch, been passed out drunk in her friend's car, or pulled a hit in run. Whatever the case, Janet has never acted a fool in public.



So while you're pounding your keyboard spewing your hate about Janet, think about this post. Don't blame Janet. Blame yourself.

Stanning 101

It has come to my attention that the concept of stanning needs to be addressed. On fan boards, on communal boards, or wherever you are in life whilst stanning. This will be a two part series in the Rhythmless Nation.

Some of you don’t know how the stan properly.

Some of you don’t even know what a stan is.

Some of you are stanning for all the wrong reasons.

Some of you still wear high top K-Swiss. But we won’t get in to that.

For those of you who don’t know what stanning or what a stan is, kick off your shoes and relax your feet, party on down to the Rhythmless beat because I’m going to spell it out for you. I understand this is a very touchy subject for some of you, so I’ll try to keep it light.

To understand the idea of a “stan”, we need to trace our roots back to the earliest signs of stanning, which began sometime in the early 20^th century. For the sake of time (and the fact that CSI is about to come on) we won’t go back that far. In the 20^th century, artists were huge. They had huge followings. There was no term to accurately describe these homo sapiens, so they were just considered overzealous fans or “fanatics” if you will. Luckily in 2002, a rapper by the name of Eminem coined the term “stan”. What a sigh of relief it was to do away with “fanatic”. Stan had a nice 21^st century ring to it. The song "Stan" embodied all the aspects of what it means to be a huge fanatic of a music artist. And there we have our history of the word “stan”.

[sighs]

This is a very delicate subject, and we must treat it with extreme care. [sighs again] You can’t just go stanning all whilly nilly. There is an art, a science, and a math to stanning people. You have to know who you are stanning for and why you stan for them. One thing you have to remember is when you’re stanning, you’re representing not only yourself, but the artist you stan for as well. So you have to watch what you say and how you act. Remember, you’re representing a fan base, and you will be the general consensus of how stans of certain artists act. To put it in lamest terms, if you act like an idiot, people will assume all fans/stans of that artist are idiots as well. If you act smart, people will assume the same concept. Watch how you act.

When you’re a stan, there are certain civic duties you must perform. Having assorted print media (albums, posters, magazines, etc) is all fine and dandy, but I’m speaking on the social aspect. When stanning, be sure to wear your artist of choice on your sleeve. When someone asks who you’re listening to on your iPod, don’t be afraid to tell them. Be sure to wear artist memorabilia on your person. This includes but it not limited to t-shirts, buttons, pins, and handbags. People should know who you stan for without knowing your name. When someone makes a comment about your artist, understand it is their opinion. You can’t change it. However, when someone decides to get slick at the mouth, only then is it okay to intervene. Intervening can range from correcting the person, snatching a wig, or even framing them for murder. When you’re at Best Buy for example, put the artist’ most recent album in the front of their section. If there are two shelves, put the most recent album in the front on one shelf, and your favorite album in the front on the other.

The reason why you stan is also very important. Reasons will vary, but be sure to stan for the right reasons. When you stan, there should be a reason. The artist should inspire you, their music should have helped you personally, or they represent something that draws you to them.  A few examples from the kids on Janet-Xone (edited for grammar):

“What Janet Means To You?”:

“Happiness…Her music has been the soundtrack to my life (especially the Janet. album -- whew)! She's the perfect combination of talent, poise, strength, humility and beauty -- inside and out. I don't agree with everything she does or like everything she puts out there. But, she is one of the few artists who seem to have the ability to connect with their fans.”

 -cabmia

“Janet to me means inspiration. Being able to be inspired by someone you don't even know is a powerful thing. There are no words to even express to her on how much she has meant to me in my journey in life. And when someone like Janet can inspire me with words alone it's truly magical.”

 -Philly

“Long story short...I wouldn't be where and who I am today without her.”

-N2

“Janet's music was a way for me to escape when I was kid…her music represents an entirely different world. I think Janet's a very hopeful person. She's not afraid to show the public that she can be both sexual, vulnerable, and shy. She's the perfect representation of somebody who is very shy in public, but have no stage fright. She's influenced my own dancing style greatly, and she's always doing something to catch my attention.”

-Rockbird

“What does Janet mean to me? I've tried to put these to words before - quite unsuccessfully. Let's see what I can say about her...Janet is a sort of moral presence that I often think about when making decisions. If you notice in her music there is nothing hateful, nothing negative, no complaining, and no whining. She does everything with such grace and dignity and wants nothing to do with negativity or hate. She is never a victim. And has so much strength. It's the outlook that many don't have and I definitely take it to heart every day of my life. I tell myself this everyday: I cannot and will not live a life of hate. And also, Janet makes it okay to be sexual. She makes it okay to be freaky. To crave sex. To want something so intimate with someone. Yet is never a whore, never raunchy, never degrading to herself. It's this sort of proud sexual vixen personality that really inspires me. She also says it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to feel lost. Because in the end, we'll all get through it. If Janet Jackson - the strongest woman I know - says it's okay to be vulnerable, than shit --- ITS OKAY. Also, she is always out to make a difference in the world - speaking out for those who can’t and simply by being a kind human being. She has so much humility and respect for others. And lastly, I am a musician. I write songs. Her music is so complex and intricate and well written that she is an amazing source of musical inspiration, too. Her incredible outlook is heard through her music. She puts so much of HERSELF in her records and is always pushing it forward. I find it so inspiring. That is what Janet means to me.”

-Sharn

And, of course, this:

These are examples of why you you’re stanning for a particular artist. Stanning for someone because they have X amount of hits, or sold X amount of albums is not proper stanning, and is frowned upon by other stans. This also includes stanning for someone because of their image, persona, etc is not acceptable justification for stanning. You should be stanning because the music has helped you through troubled waters, their talents inspire you as a person, they have helped shaped your life, etc. Stanning should be deeper than musical. It should reach you personally, emotionally, spiritually, and to an extent, psychologically. Stanning is all about taking an artist for what they offer..and following them. You have to take the good and the bad and the highs and the lows. The good times of success, the lows of when an artist hits a snag in their career. The lows make you stronger and build character. Weather the storm. And it is here where most artists create their best work (i.e. Velvet Rope, Blackout, My Life, Dangerous, etc). Taking only the good is fairweather, and I'm sure there are many of those floating around.

So to conclude Part I of Stanning 101, understand what stanning is, what it means, and how it's done. Is there a right or wrong method to stanning? Yes. Can it be rectified? Yes.  

FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)

1.   Can I stan for more than one artist?

Yes. However, it is confusing to be stanning for more than 3 artists.

2.   If I stan for more than one artist, do I have to like them equally?

No. It is at your discretion. You can love each equally or one more than the other. One artist may offer one the other doesn’t. Thus causing you to gravitate towards them a bit more.

3.   When picking an artist, what are some of the best options?

Your options are unlimited. The music industry has produced an array of artist to serve you if you are taste specific. Choose the artist whose music you can relate to, or best fits your interest.

4.   Is it okay if I stan for a flop?

Yes. Remember, you are stanning for talent and music, not sales, success, image, popularity, etc.

5.   How will I know if I’m a stan?

There’s a sensor in your cerebral cortex that ignites when you become a stan.

6.   My parents think I’m becoming obsessed with my artist. What should I do?

Your parents will be the least understanding. Don’t panic, this is common. Inform them that it’s not an obsession, it’s a way of life. Your fellow stans will be your best support system.

7.   What is the time period for being a stan?

It is contingent. Some people stop stanning for a variety of reasons. As long as you can find comfort in your artist, your stanning can go on for eternity. There is nothing wrong with teaching God the “If” breakdown, or helping Mother Teresa up from the floor during the “Get Me Bodied” extended dance  mix.

8.   What if I don’t find an artist I want to stan for?

No worries. This can take time. The key is to not search for an artist, but let the artist find you. Something will click when you hear a song, and the light bulb will illuminate.

9.   Is there some kind of membership fee assessed once I become a stan?

Yes. However, the fee is not monetary. We will address this is Part II of Stanning 101.

10.Am I required to like the other stans?

No. Some stans are idiots.

If you have any further questions, comments, concerns, or complaints, please feel free to drop them in the comment box below, and we here at the Rhythmless Headquarters will address them in Part II of Stanning 101. Thank you.

Snatched & Split

Snatched and Split

NEW YORK, September 15 /PRNewswire/ --

It was all cheers and tears at the 2009 Video Music Awards at New York City’s Radio City Music Hall. The show opened up with a speech from the Queen of Pop herself Madonna. After her touching tribute, the first performance exploded which featured Michael Jackson classics “Thriller”, “Bad”, and “Smooth Criminal”. One final song featured his legendary sister Janet Jackson, who had worked with Michael previously on 1995’s “Scream”. And it was then when attendees say things, got ugly.

Janet literally crashed onto stage behind a glass panel during the final number to “Scream.” From that moment attendees claim that there was an immeasurable amount of wigs that were snatched. “I was cheering for Janet when I saw a few wigs fly all around the stage,” says pop star P!nk. Ms. Jackson powered her way through her verse of the classic song, at which mildly talented artists including Katy Perry, Lil Mama, and Drake stated to be experiencing shortness of breath, as well as dizziness. Witnesses say by the time Janet reached the infamous breakdown, wigs were being snatched faster than barbecue ribs at the Tom Joyner Family Reunion. As Ms. Jackson concluded her performance, she gave one last, what young Negro children call, “mean mug.” “Janet looked like she was ready to choke a bitch” says talented artist Solange Knowles via Twitter. 

Many thought they had been through enough until Hurricane Beysus assaulted the audience opening with the hit single “Sweet Dreams,” and into the iconic “Single Ladies.” Queen Beysus arose like the phoenix from the rear of the stage dressed in the now popular leotard. Audience members say it was at that point Beyoncé was shitting on hoes. As she walked to the front of the stage, more wigs were being snatched. “I don’t think the girls used the right glue” says home wrecker Alicia Keys. As if Janet’s performance hadn’t snatched bitches bald, Beyoncé added insult to injury by dragging skulls to the white meat. “It was a mess,” says attention whore Lady Gaga. “Skulls were sliding all up and down the aisles and stage. It was like watching Mariah sing live.” By the second set of “now wait!” during “Single Ladies,” wigs were being snatched at wind speeds topping 140 mph.

A spokesperson from MTV said quote, “We underestimated the power of Ms. Jackson and Queen Beysus. We were unaware they would wreck our stage as they did. The clean-up crew will have to work overtime to salvage whatever parts of the stage they can. As for the victims of the wig snatching, they are in critical condition. The worst injuries came during Beyonce’s win for Video of the Year at which victims began suffering from severe head trauma and heart complications.”

The US Surgeon General claims the reason behind the mass wig snatching can be attributed to the lack of talent from today’s music artists. “There a hemisphere of the brain that lies just above the cerebellum that is dedicated to talent. This includes singing, dancing, performing, acting, and a special ability to end another artists’ career” says the Surgeon General. Victims of the heinous act are said to be in critical condition suffering from whiplash, bald headedness, and lack of vocal ability.

When questioned why Janet and Beyoncé chose to snatch wigs, Beyoncé gave a stank looking saying, “I be shit'n on you hoe”. Janet stated off the record that she had no intention to wreck the stage as she did. However she is offering to help pay for the replacement of the wigs, but not the stage. “A bitch got bills” she said. Civil Rights activist Tina Knowles was quoted saying, “these other girls need to step their game up. You know it’s hard out here for a pimp.” She went on to say, “I also noticed Ms. Jackson was wearing a European lacefront, and I was wondering if she would be interested in being the spokesperson for our new Deréon winter line of lacefronts.” Sally’s Beauty Supply could not be reached for comment. 

Janet and Beyoncé both agree that with people like Rihanna and Britney Spears getting recording contracts, the industry is fucked.

SOURCE: The Rhythmless Tribune

Now in other news...we have good news! First let me start off by congratulating Beyoncé for collecting her 6^th consecutive Top 40 hit with “Sweet Dreams”. [cranks the tootsie roll] She also ties the record with Janet and Madonna for most #1 Dance hits from one album. The Cadillac Records soundtrack to date has spent a total of 27 non-consecutive weeks at #1 on the Billboard Blues Chart, and 37 weeks in the Top 10 which you can read about here. And we can’t forget her display of sheer class at the VMAs when she allowed Taylor Swift to give her acceptance speech, after the first attempt had been interrupted by who President Obama calls a “jackass.” Lastly, we have to congratulate Beyoncé for getting her own book in the Bible. It will be under the "New Queen Creole Version" which you can pick up from the Wig Crypt Bookstore. No Cash on Delivery. However, EBT, WIC, and unreleased Sasha Fierce tracks are all acceptable forms of payment.

 Also, we have to congratulate Whitney Houston for her comeback album debuting at #1, with sells in the excess of 300,000 copies. The same goes for Trey Songz debuting at #3 with 130,000+. Both albums getting stellar reviews. Alicia Keys, Mike Tyson Chris Brown, Lil Mama, Mary J. Blige, and Michael Jackson all have new music coming out this fall. So be on the lookout for that as well. Keep Bow Wow in your prayers in hopes that he gets another record deal. The last thing we need is another black midget on "Where Are They Now". Gary Coleman refuses to share his spotlight.

Now on to bigger news…

Janet, has landed.

Janet is back with a new song entitled “Make Me.”

Now to maintain my sanity, I have only played the song close to 300 times since I downloaded it on Sunday night. It was given as a “gift” to the fans shortly after Janet’s VMA performance. Rumor has it, that this is the lead single from Janet’s upcoming greatest hits titled #1s, which will feature 30 of Janet’s biggest global hits. 30 is a small number, considering she has a career total of 41 #1 Billboard singles. The song is doing rather well, as it received nearly 50 spins at radio the following day (Monday), keep in mind the song hasn’t even been released to radio. This JUST might be the song to bring Janet back. I remember when Janet said she was worth the wait. You can read a few reviews of the song here, here, and here.

PS, if you haven't purchased Jay-Z, Whitney Houston, or Trey Songz new albums, please do so. Support our black artists.

Live From The Red Carpet

Good day.

 

Another day, another post, another missed 8-count in the world of rhythmless dancers. With award season among us, I had the chance to be an anchor during an award show. Christ-ina Aguilerus of Nazareth was one of my correspondents. I know many of you missed the show because you were out purchasing copies of Whitney’s new album, or were back in the day, or on your way. Whatever the case, I’m sure you missed the show. Anyway, I have the transcripts of the entire show, and I’ve decided to share them with you children.

 

E! News Anchor: Good evening everyone and welcome to award show season. We are broadcasting live on the red carpet, well near the red carpet [laughs]. We are here to bring you the latest in fashion, fashion train wrecks, and the like. We would have had Joan Rivers here with us, but she is still putting on her face. So we have here today The Voice of Our Generation, Christ-ina Aguilerus of Nazareth. How are you doing this evening?

 

Christina: I’m doing fine. I‘m out here live on the red carpet going to do interviews with all the wanna be legends and half-talent artists the music industry has produced.

E! News Anchor: [laughs] Well isn’t that grand. By the way Legendtina, what are you wearing?

Christina: Oh this is a hand-stitched Versace gown Donatella gave to me. I can tell you Rihanna couldn’t afford it if she sucked off her producers for the next two weeks. [laughs] Oh and speaking of Rihanna, here she is now. Hello Rihanna how are you?

Rihanna:  Hello Legendtina, I’m doing fine. How are you?

Christina: I’m doing fine. So how is your face?

Rihanna: Eh, eh, eh. I’m still recovering.

Christina: Oh well that’s good. What are you doing here? This award show is based on talent.

Rihanna: Well, my manager thinks that this is a great opportunity to turn the red carpet into a runway and take pictures. That’s all I’m good for these days.

Christina: Yes, this is clear. So you now have a restraining order against Mike Tyson Chris Brown correct?

Rihanna: Yes, it’s a court order yes.

Christina: I bet you’re happy about that. [they both laugh]. I think stages and microphones need to place a restraining order against you as well. [laughs]

Rihanna: Umm, okay.

Christina: So you have a new album coming out correct? Are you going to be involved in the song writing?

Rihanna: Not this time. I just sing. I don't have any creative control over my career. I'm just told what to do.

Christina: Well isn't that a shame. Thank you for the interview Rihanna and I’ll see you inside. [smiles]

E! News Anchor: Legendtina, what was she wearing again?

Christina: Oh I don’t think anyone cares. I call it Caveman Couture [they laugh] Oh and speaking of ancient here comes Madonna. [they hug] Madonna, it’s so nice to see you here without your walker.

Madonna: Haha yes I know.

Christina: Oh and how nice of you to bring the kids from the Feed the Children infomercials. Are you still stealing them from African mothers to get street cred so the urban community would your latest flop album?

Madonna: Yes, I was taking the Mariah route and using the black audience to sell records.

Christina: well isn’t that sweet. Are you still charging by the organ for tickets to your show?

Madonna: Actually Legendtina, we’ve upped the ante and are now charging by the birth certificate.

Christina: I don’t understand.

Madonna: For my children.

Christina: Oh yes the children you smuggled illegally into the United States. Well if that isn’t a mother’s love I don’t know what is.

Madonna: Yeah so see, you understand [she laughs]

Christina: Yes [giggles] However, I had my child naturally. I know your birth canal is worn out, and the fetus might fall out of the sac if you move too fast. [laughs]

[they laugh and Madonna walks off] 

Christina: Oh and speaking of children we have Mariah Carey. Hello Mariah, how are things going these days?

Mariah: hello dahling, I’m fabulous. It’s a fabulous occasion.

Christina: Yes it is. That’s a nice dress you’re wearing. Where did you get it…Baby Gap?

Mariah: Oh no dahling they didn’t have my size, so I had to go to Babies R’ Us.[giggles] You like the ensemble?

Christina: Well isn’t that lovely. So does your album finally have a release date? I heard it got pushed back to 1932.

Mariah: [laughs] Legendtina, well we’re still working on getting a release date. We’re going to try one more single as well.

Christina: Oh the Ciara method. Nice. Oh and I see you brought your publicist with you this evening.

Mariah: No this is my husband Nick Cannon.

Christina: Who?

Mariah: The guy from Wildin’ Out?

Christina: Umm…

Mariah: The guy who shops at the same place as Max.

Christina: Ooh him. I’ve always wondered why there’s nothing in Max’s size. So Kevin, I mean Nick sorry, how does it  feel to be freeloading off someone who is more successful that you?

Nick: Umm, it’s rather nice. I don’t have to do much but walk around with a false sense of accomplishment. Promote my wife’s album, remind America how many #1 singles she has, and the like. It’s a relatively easy job.

Christina: that’s great. So Mariah, you’re performing tonight. Will you actually be singing live?

Mariah: I don’t think so. The last time I sung live, was, well when I could actually still sing.

Christina: 1999?

Mariah: probably the year before that. My career hasn’t been the same since I sung with Whitney at the Oscars.

Christina: Well she is better than you. Anyway, thank you for the interview and I’ll see you on stage.

E! News Reporter: Legendtina, how are you hanging out there?

Christina: I'm doing just fine out here. There's a lot of people coming and I think I see Lady Gaga.

[Lady Gaga walks over]

Christina: hello sir, how are you?

Gaga: I'm doing great. Just great to be here. 

Christina: yes, I know this is your first time at an award show. You need a hit album to attend.

Gaga: I see. Legendtina, when was your last hit album?

Christina: It was just before your nose job. 

Gaga: the first or second one?

Christina: the second. The first was during your sex change. 

Gaga: oh how could I forget.

Christina: indeed. So, Gaga, you're performing tonight.

Gaga: yes I am. I will be wearing the leotard.

Christina: great. Don't forget to tuck in your dick. 

Gaga: I will try. Last time it almost slipped out. [laughs]

Christina: well sir, you enjoy yourself tonight okay?

Gaga: will do Legendtina. 

E! News Reporter: Legendtina, it looks like all the stars are out tonight. 

Christina: Oh yes the celebs are out tonight. And oh my goodness is that a piñata?

E! News Reporter: A piñata?

Christina: Yes it looks like a piñata coming towards me…oh no wait, it’s just Beyoncé. Her mother must be dressing her again.

[Beyoncé walks over]

Christina: hello Bianca, how are you doing this evening?

Beyoncé: I’m doing fine Legendtina, how are you?

Christina: Better than you. So what brings you here today? This isn’t an auction, it’s an awards show.

Beyoncé: I’m here hoping to win an award, maybe two. [she laughs]

Christina: Did your father remember to pay off the committee?

Beyoncé: Yes I believe so.

Christina: I guess that explains all your Grammy awards huh? [she laughs]

Beyoncé: Umm, you could say that. Speaking of Grammys, Legendtina when was the last time you won one?

Christina: I think it was around the time as your last original idea.

Beyoncé: I don’t remember your last Grammy performance again. When was it again?

Christina: Oh remember when we both performed and I drug your performance in the mud, gave the performance of the night, and then you blamed me upstaging you on having the stomach flu?

Beyoncé: Oh 2007.

Christina: yes, yes 2007, the year your father was exploiting you for his own selfish gain. Or as you called it, The Beyoncé Experience.

Beyoncé: Well I love to sing and perform. So I can’t blame him.

Christina: I can see. And since you mentioned singing, I was ranked as Rolling Stone’s 58^th greatest singer of all time. What number were you again?

Beyoncé: I don’t think I made the list.

Christina: Well isn’t that a shame. And I see your mother is here as well. Tina how are you this evening?

Tina: I’m doing fine Christina Aguilerus of Nazareth.

Christina: that’s good to hear. Is your tacky clothing line still benefiting from child labor?

Tina: umm, yes I believe so. We’ve moved headquarters to Taiwan and have a separate location in Honduras.

Christina: Well that’s good to hear. And what fashion school did you graduate from again?

Tina: F.I.T.

Christina: Girl, stop fooling yourself. I’ve seen crack whores with a better fashion sense than you. Oh and I see your pimp is here. Matthew Knowles are you doing?

Matthew: I’m doing fine. Does Max need a manager?

Christina: No. My son isn’t even 3 years-old yet.

Matthew: Well you need to start them early. [laughs] Baby Gap is looking for models. Why do you think I had Solange have a child so soon?

Christina: Umm, you all have a nice time inside. [smiles nervously]

E! News Anchor: Wow Legendtina, Matthew was rather aggressive.

Christina: I know. Who allowed him to have children? And speaking of unfit parents, here is Ms. Britney Spears. Britney, long time no see. How are you?

Britney: I’m doing fine Christ-ina.

Christina: That’s good. Did you remember to keep your legs closed when you were getting out of the car this time?

Britney: yes I did.

Christina: Did you drop any of your children on the sidewalk?

Britney: no I put them in the stroller.

Christina: That’s good. I don’t see Child Protective Services in the area. Did you get full custody?

Britney: Yes I did. We pulled a few strings and I got them.

Christina: I guess money does talk.

Britney: So, Christina I haven’t seen you since you’ve been living in my shadow.

Christina: Oh I’m not in your shadow. I’m actually taken seriously as an artist. Remember, I’m the one that actually had talent.

Britney: Oh that’s right. I’m sorry. The only thing I can do is sell albums.

Christina: Well when you don’t have talent what else is there to do? Oh Britney it was great seeing you. I’ll see you inside.

E! News Anchor: Legendtina, we just received word that Janet Jackson is on the red carpet. Can you get an interview with her?

Christina: Actually she’s right here with me now. Ladies, gentlemen…Ciara, we have Ms. Janet Jackson.

Janet: [shy voice] Hello everyone.

Christina: Ms. Jackson, because I’m nasty [laughs], how are you tonight?

Janet: I’m doing fine thank you.

Christina: Where is your little pet that you carry around?

Janet: Jermaine and I broke up.

Christina: I’m so sorry to hear that.

Janet: It’s okay. We just weren’t able to see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. So I felt it was best to part ways.

Christina: Well I wish you the best of luck.

Janet: Thank you Legendtina.

E! News Anchor: Legendtina, we’re going to take a quick commercial break and we will be right back.

 

 

 

She Saved All Her Love For Me

Well it’s been a while since the last entry in The Nation, I’ve been busy. Get over it. No real Janet news as of late, but I’ll try to keep you abreast.

Anyway, “The Voice” is back with a new album that is currently in stores today entitled I Look To You, so if haven’t picked up a copy, please do so. I’ve listen to the entire album and I admit that it is a solid effort considering the circumstances. I would be lying to you if I told you her voice was in good shape. Nonetheless, her voice is listenable, and it has improved from what it was last year. It is a bit stronger, and she can carry a tune better. If only she would get with a vocal coach and improve on what voice she has now. However, All Music Guide put it best: 

“…Whitney can still sing, knowing when to wring emotion out of a phrase, knowing when not to push for the glory notes that she can no longer hit.”

If her voice was a bit stronger and clearer, I feel as though the songs would have been more pleasant to my ears. There are some classic Whitney moments on the album i.e. her signature belts, emotions, some here and there runs, the crystalline singing voice, among other things. So as stated, I listened to the album, and enjoyed at least half of the tracks, which is a good thing. Of course I enjoyed the opening track, the title track, and a few others, but it is a good album. I was almost tempted to go out and purchase it. However, Janet implants a microscopic chip just behind your cerebellum that only allows you to purchase albums by artists with the last name Jackson. 

So as you know I like to visit the boards and see what’s going on with all of my favorite artists. The kids on Janet-Xone and Beyoncé World seem to be enjoying the album. It’s the same story with Christina and a few others. [sighs] But like always there are people who like to hate, just for the sake of hating. The kids are out of their straight jackets and the tasers didn’t come with Energizer batteries. Not only are they trashing the album, but taking shots at Whitney and her career. I see it mainly from the Mariah fans. I’m not sure if this is a continuation of the long-time rivalry between the two singers, but I see it a lot. I don’t see how they can talk about Whitney when Mariah has dumbed down her talents for a hit, her voice is shattered beyond repair, and her album has been pushed back to Ancient Rome. I think Mariah even knows her place is below Godney Allahzabeth Christon: 

 Now, I think the Whitney fans are aware of the obvious…Whitney did drugs, her voice isn’t the same, her album will not sell millions. That’s common sense. Whatever. However, you have to give her credit for her dedication to music, and to her fans. She could have retired to a beach as she had planned. She could have not made another album until God came knocking on her door. She chose to take the high road. She got rid of the little gremlin, she got through all 12 steps of her recovery program, and she got her life back on track. She even went shopping at the local flea market a got her and little Bobby Christina a pair of matching leopard print knee high snow boots for the winter. 

If people would set aside their hate, and actually listen to the album, they just might enjoy it. I’ve heard someone goes as far as saying “she needs to give it up.” Why should she have to give up? So what if it doesn’t sell millions. She’s already sold over 130 million albums. No one told Aretha Franklin to stop making albums because they weren’t selling. Has it occurred that she’s doing this because she loves music, and her fans? So what if her voice isn’t the same. She’s still the greatest female singer to walk this earth. So what if she didn’t write the songs. Whitney didn’t sign up to be a songwriter. She said she wanted to sing. And that is what she does. And just because you write your music, that doesn’t mean it’s good:

My main point is, you have to give credit where credit is due. The woman is trying, and that’s all that matters. 

Whitney Houston, well I can’t understand the hate. She deserves the utmost respect. This woman has sold an impressive 170 million records. She has 11 #1 singles and 23 top ten hits. She is the most awarded woman in history according to Guinness. She has undeniably set the standard for singing since her debut. She has sung on stages in South Africa, England, Russia, and many other places around the world. “I Will Always Love You” puts an ass whoppin’ on many artists’ catalogues in terms of popularity. This woman has put in her work. She has her life back on track. And we all know America likes come backs and success stories. And I have proof of that.  

Where ever she appears, she will get a standing ovation



She will still have her awards



She will always be “The Voice”



She will forever be Whitney “The Voice” Houston

An Analysis of the Beyoncé Hater

Hello all out there in the world of divas and single ladies.

Taking a break from glorifying the life form we know as Ms. Janet Jackson, I wanted to talk about the woman we know as Beyoncé. Given that Beyoncé is all us Janet fans have right now, considering Janet’s absence, I figured I could do a post about her. I dig Beyoncé, she’s not necessarily one of my faves, but I give the girl her credit. With that said, I’ve come across a myriad of haters. They seem to come in drones whenever Beyoncé is doing something. I’ve sat back and analyzed them, and I think I’ve got them down. So here’s my profile analysis of the Beyoncé hater:


Basic Info

Name: Beyoncé hater

DOB: June 24, 2003
Age: fetus – death
Weight: let’s keep it cute
Height: 4’11 – 6’3
Aliases: [irrelevant female artist] fan/stan
Favorite music: anything but Beyoncé including but not limited to Alicia Keys, Brandy, Khia, Mandy Moore, Olivia Newton-John, Madonna, Mary Wells, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, and Anne Murray
Favorite Films: Mama I Just Want To Sing, Coach Carter, Double Platinum


Synopsis

To quote Beyoncéitis in a loose interpretation, “only attractive gay men like Beyoncé. Unattractive gay men prefer other artists.”

Here we have conflicting reports. Black gay men love Beyoncé, attractive ones that is. White gay men like Madonna and think Britney Spears has talent. But for the demographic, we will talk about black men and women, both straight and gay.

The female Beyoncé hater is often unattractive, a platinum plus member of the itty bitty titty committee, and has a bad case of halitosis. She is often seen wearing denim skorts, peep toe Candies, and low grade outré premium yaki. The female hater is often a fan of a female artist who happens to be a Beyoncéitis casualty: Ashanti, Monica, Brandy, Mya, etc. Or perhaps a fan of who they think is “real” artist that makes “real” music such as Jazmine Sullivan, Chrisette Michele, Mary J. Blige, etc. The female hater thinks everything about Beyoncé is fake. Her hair, nails, personality, rib cage, etc.


The male Beyoncé hater is usually a fan of an 80s diva most youth wouldn’t know today such as Stephanie Mills, Patrice Rushen, or Teena Marie. And not even a fan of one of the bad ones like Janet, Whitney, or Sade. The male hater often finds it necessary to compare their 80s diva to Beyoncé whenever Beyoncé has something good going for her. A clear sign of insecurity if you ask me. The male Beyoncé hater is like the female. (S)He is often a fan of another Beyoncéitis victim, in addition to the 80s diva. His hate is more out of jealousy because he secretly desires his favorite artist to see the success Beyoncé is enjoying.


Common Excuses/Scapegoats

Beyoncé wins an award:

“Matthew must’ve paid for it. You know he’s on the Grammy board of voters.”

Beyoncé’s fan base increases:

“Only gays and women like her. They’re the majority.”

Beyoncé’s albums sell:

“Matthew must be buying up those albums.”

A Beyoncé song on the charts:

“LOL! Beyoncé can’t even make it into the Top 50.” [the song makes it into the Top 50] “LOL! Beyoncé can’t even make it into the Top 10.” [the song makes it into the Top 10] “LOL! Beyoncé can’t even make it to #1” [the song makes it to #1] “I wonder how much Matthew is paying the radio stations to play that crap.”

Beyoncé gets songwriting credit:

“She doesn’t write. She steals. She adds the word 'the', and she gets songwriting credit. *eye roll* That’s why Ne-Yo called her out on Irreplaceable.”


The general gist is that Matthew is the driving force behind her career. He buys her awards, participates in payola, and makes all the money. If Matthew did buy her awards, wouldn’t she have almost every award possible? Wouldn’t she have her Oscar and her Tony? Is it her fault the closest their faves will come to the Academy Awards in an online stream from their Acer laptops?


The Beyoncé hater will go to great lengths to find something hate on.

The hate includes, but is not limited to: singing, dancing, performing, wardrobe, hair, make up, knitting skills, DNA make up, skeletal structure, or the way she places the napkins in the glove compartment. They will complain about her eyelashes not being perpendicular to her sternum.

When Beyoncé falls short on something, i.e. not selling out 100%, they’ll use the “I thought she was the #1 diva in this game” line to justify their hate. Speaking of selling out, whenever Beyoncé gets positive reviews, sells out 100%, or sets/breaks a record for selling tickets, the Beyoncé hater will find a way to hate by saying something along the lines of “well she can’t selling out like so-and-so”. *snaps for the kids for the irrelevance*


Speaking of Forbes, (I know no one was talking about Forbes but whatever) the Beyoncé hater is often silent during these times. When the list(s) are released, Beyoncé is usually in the Top 10, but as of late, Top 5. It is here where the Beyoncé hater has to scramble for something hate on. They’ll find House of Deréon’s profits from the last quarter, Google some hate, or bring up something from the past such as the falling down the steps, the Destiny’s Child scandal, or even the fight she and Kelly had over who gets the last Church’s biscuit back in 1995. The first move is they’ll say “she has to do those things to make up for it with her poor album sales.” Usually that doesn’t work because it’s been used before. Next, they’ll say…well after that they don’t really have anything to say. And when all else fails, they’ll compare to her the person who is #1 on Forbes that year (which is usually Oprah).


However the Beyoncé hater does come in handy at times. You can always count on the Beyoncé hater to find out something about Beyoncé of which the fan was unaware. Did you know a Beyoncé hater found Beyoncé’s medical records and noticed she missed a hepatitis shot when she was 4 years old? She also failed to turn in her double-digit math homework back on March 8, 1994. And not only that, she filed her taxes late in 2004. You can depend on the Beyoncé hater to know her every move. He/she keeps up with Beyoncé more than the fans do. If you ever need a 60 second recap of Beyoncé’s life in the past 24 hours, the Beyoncé hater is your go-to guy. ;-)

Whenever their faves release a song, it’s always going to “shut down the game,” and/or “end Beyoncé’s career”. And when the song fails to even make the Amazon.com chart, the Beyoncé hater will also use another artists accomplishments to try and hate. They will milk another artist of relevance to not look stupid whenever their faves fall short.

Example:

Beyoncé hater: this new Adina Howard is about to end Beyoncé’s career.

*some weeks past by*

Beyoncé fan: so what happened to that Adina Howard song?

Beyoncé hater: Matthew paid the radio stations not to play it so “Sweet Dreams” would get all the airplay. Because he’s shady like that. You see what happened with Kelly leaving Music World. But that’s okay, Beyoncé better watch out for Mariah’s “Obsessed”. LOL Beyoncé will never be Mariah.

The purpose of the hate is to somehow belittle the blessings Beyoncé has bestowed upon us. The idea is to not give credit where credit is due. Unfortunately it may take her untimely passing before she gets it. Though some hate has seen little impact, most hate has been rather unsuccessful like Fantasy Ride. Whenever the hate is thick, it manages to backfire and Beyoncé is taken to another level (no passenegers on her plane, by the way). The hate possibly stems from jealousy, resentment, having nothing else to do, and just recreational hating. The projections for the next 10 years are only expected to increase. The House of Deréon projected 50 million haters by the year 2012. However as Beyoncé continues to grow, the numbers will increase drastically. So in closing, going around to different boards and seeing comments on different blogs, it’s almost impossible to get a complete analysis of the Beyoncé hater because the hate comes in various forms

http://hateonbey.blogspot.com/

http://hateonbeyonce.blogspot.com/

http://weallhateonbeyonce.blogspot.com/

http://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/top-15-reasons-people-hate-beyonce/#1

Appreciate someone while they're here....

Sang It Aretha!

"All I’m askin’, is for a little respect when you come home!"

Aretha sang those words loud and proud over 40 years ago. As a woman, she demanded respect in a male dominated world. Making its way up to #1 on the Hot 100 in the spring of 1967, the song became more than just a hit. It became an anthem; an anthem for women around the world, crossing color lines, backgrounds, and generations. 

Here in 2009, we have a black woman. She has crossed and broken barriers unbeknownst to African-American women in her line of work. She has opened the door for artists to fall down steps during performances, lip-synch on live programming, and show off their two left feet. She has accomplished a lot in her 36 years, but has always been an underdog despite her achievements. Yes ladies and gents, we are talking about Janet Jackson.

With the recent passing of our lord and savior, there have been a lot of changes. Retailers are finding trouble keeping “Jackson” products on shelves since June 25th. Album and single sales on iTunes have skyrocketed. Mike has broken and set sales records. As a level headed fanatic of both Michael and Janet, a few question hit me like Ciara hits a high note. Were people purchasing his material because they were fair-weather fans? Did his death cause people to remember how much they loved the Jackson family? Out of respect/support, did people go out and buy their work? Whatever the case, I’m sure Janet and the family is appreciative. 

But nonetheless, with Michael now shooting pool with The Lord, I wonder about Janet. Will she finally get the amount of respect she deserves? Will people understand how underrated she is? In recent weeks, I’ve noticed how sympathetic the world has become towards Janet. The media no longer drags her name in the mud as they did prior to June 25th. I haven’t come across any jokes about her on fan boards. As of late, an overwhelming number of people have been citing Janet as one of their favorite artists. It is now acceptable to openly be a fan of Janet. Isn’t it sad how it takes a death for the public to change their opinions of Janet? Janet’s fan page has grown from a few thousand, to over 30,000, and growing by the day. Where was this support when it was needed years ago?

Anyway, more and more people are realizing the force we know as Janet Jackson, and learning how underrated she has been for years. Artists have attempted to emulate her videos, choreography, albums, and image. Yet she remains an underrated act. I sit and listen to Rhythm Nation, and wonder why Janet is not in the Songwriter’s Hall of Fame. I play Velvet Rope and wonder why this album isn’t in the Grammy Hall of Fame. In 2007, how was John Legend inducted into the Songwriter’s Hall of Fame when he hasn’t written a song that has changed the landscape of music like “Nasty” did? And how did Beyoncé win the American Music Award’s International Excellence Award? Did she really deserve that award before someone like a Madonna, Celine, Janet, or even Mariah? The women who were international icons before she even had a high school diploma? Janet, is another underrated vocalist. The consensus that she lacks vocal ability is false. She’s no Aretha but she has a great voice. The anger, rage, and pain of “What About,” the emptiness of “Come Back To Me,” the attitude and vulnerability in “Nasty,” and the legato style of singing in “Where Are You Now,” tells me that she possess a skill. Sometimes a voice is not all about being the most powerful, or hitting the dog whistle notes. Sometimes it is about the emotion evoked in a song, and that is what Janet delivers.

Her albums may not have sold in the 30 millions, but she has crafted four solid albums that have defined mainstream music. Control, upon its release was a testament to not only Janet, but to teens around the world. The album not only speaks to her, but is arguably applicable to the oppression people and cultures around the world. The oppression of blacks, Jews, Iraqis, etc at one point are pleading for respect and control of their destiny. Metaphorically, the chains must come loose, and one must be relinquished of what has oppressed them for years. With Rhythm Nation 1814 and Velvet Rope, Janet spoke universally, and internally. Janet pleaded for unity, the unimportance of racism, the necessity of having an education, and the importance of a relationship as sung in “Alright” and “Lonely.” Velvet Rope was a call for people around the world to manifest their pain. The struggles one suffered, someone else shared. How often do we hear in music a song such as “Free-Xone” where you are told it is okay to be who you are, regardless of what you are? A song such as “You” that urges people to confront their inner issues. She spoke not only esoterically, but also universally. The Janet album brought sexuality to mainstream pop. The album was a sheer display of artistry. In 1993, was it safe for a woman to pose topless on the cover of a highly-recognized magazine? No. Was it safe for a black woman to embrace the full-figured physique and put it on display for the world to see? No. Janet broke barriers. This album is the reason why girls can get up on stage half-naked and toot their behinds up and down the stage. It was Janet who opened that door.

 With the albums and songs bestowed onto the world, Janet defined pop music. It is about incorporating themes into your music. It is about challenging what is right, and what is wrong. Pop music is R&B. It is rock. It is dance. It is about questioning what is acceptable. It is about blending genres. It is about having a voice. It is about making people listen. It is about making a change. It is about innovation. It is about breaking barriers. It is about being two steps ahead. That, my friend, is pop music. And Janet is pop music.

This woman had her breast exposed to 90 million viewers. At that point, everything she had done for artists, black artists, and black female artists was completely out the window. None of that mattered anymore. Janet could have pulled a Britney Spears and cried in interviews. She could have begged for sympathy. She could have ended her career. She could have even gotten strung out on drugs. But she didn’t. She stayed strong and did not let the situation faze her. Looking at this picture:

You can see that Janet is a strong woman. Even in the adversity of her brother’s untimely passing, she knows she has to be the rock Michael’s children need. She is still trucking on with her career. She is carrying the Jackson Torch on her own. You have to admire her strength. 

So am I bitter? No. I’m glad to see Janet opened up the door for these artists to do what they do now. Do I believe some artists deserve the awards and accolades they are receiving? No. Do I feel Janet is underrated? Yes. Do I believe Janet has yet to receive the respect she deserves? Yes.  However, when the pregnancy rumors fall through, the media has to come up with something new. I’ve read comments saying the new album will be a Velvet Rope Part II. I’m not sure what Janet is cooking up, but I’m sure recent events will find a home on the album. Remember when Janet said she’d be worth the wait…With Michael’s passing, the world has shifted focus to the next Jackson the world knows, Jackie Janet. All eyes seem to be on her. It is kind of a shame that it takes Michael to pass for Janet to finally get the attention she has deserved for the past couple of years.

The songs she released 10, 15, and 20 years ago are still being played on radio today. Janet did not make just hit songs, she made classics. Artists from Ludacris, T-Pain, Plies, and Snoop are all sampling her songs. Arists like Kelly Clarkson, Destiny's Child, Mya are singing her songs. Artists like Ciara, Beyoncé, Chris Brown, Britney Spears, Usher, and many more are recreating her videos, doing her choreography, emulating her style, and using her formulas.

And you wonder, why doesn't she have more awards than she does. You wonder, why her catalogue doesn't sell like her contemporaries. You wonder, why isn't she bigger than she is. You wonder how people can treat her the way they do. And you wonder...

Cut Short

Good day ladies and gents.

I have some terrible news. Shortly before 12 am Eastern Standard Time, the African-American community was set back 15 years. The cause of the set back occurred shortly after the end of the 2009 BET Awards. More than half of the show was an utter mess. It seemed like a cross between the Ms. Ghetto Superstar Pageant off Crenshaw blvd and the Vibe Awards. There were some high points (the commercials), and there were some low points (the show). However the show’s saving grace was none other than Ms. Janet Jackson.


As you may not know the BET Awards was extended an extra hour to accommodate the “Michael Jackson Tribute.” Needless to say, there was no true “tribute.” Janet emerged towards the end of the show looking flawless




Ms Jackson (because I’m nasty) came out unexpectedly to everyone’s surprise and was greeted with a standing ovation, which is what you are supposed to do when the woman who has fed 5000 people with two fishes and five loaves of bread has entered the room. Due to time restraints her speech was cut short. However, I have obtained the statement Janet was to make that she would read from the teleprompter. Do not ask how I got them, just know what I had to do to get them was no simple task. It’s a long story. I will not talk about it now. Anywho, here is what Janet originally submitted to the award’s director. As follows:

“My entire family wanted to be here tonight. But it was just too painful. So they elected me to speak with all of you. And I’m going to keep it very short but I’d just like to say that, to you Michael is an icon. To us, Michael is family. And he will forever live in all of our hearts. On behalf of my family, and myself, thank you for all of your love, thank you for all of your support. We miss him so much. Thank you so much.”

That’s all you saw due to some crafty editing. But if you look closely towards the end, you see the camera angle change. That’s when the end of the second part of her speech. Here is what was edited out:

“And I’d just like to add a couple more things. I’ve been watching the show from the green room and I just have to say, this is a disgrace. This tribute is disgrace to my brother, the black community, and a disgrace to sick cats at the Los Angeles humane society. I’m not sure where to start with this nonsense.

First off let me just address the attire. Back in 1778 when Madonna and I attended award shows, we came dressed appropriately. We’ve got everything from Vogue to the JC Penny catalogue represented here. Ladies, it’s time to put the denim Capri pants and backless knot halter shirts away. You girls kill me with your Macy’s sales rack prom dresses. Gentlemen, Armani and Jordan’s do not mix. Whoever told you formal suits and sneakers was chic lied. You can rent your jewelry, but can’t rent a tux? Please.

I see New Edition opened the show. I must admit that was a rather nice performance. But I’m not sure whose idea it was to dress you all to look like the Quaker man on the oatmeal box. Bless your souls.

Ms. Keri. Please don’t ever do that again. As if my brother’s untimely death is enough for America to bear, you got on stage and did that. My goodness it was like watching 9/11 all over again.

And the same goes for you Ciara. Stick to copying the dance moves I did 20 years ago because singing is clearly not for you. It was like listening to a whale get a vasectomy.

By the way, why did Keke Palmer outsing half of the "singers" in here? Thank you. That was very nice Ms. Palmer.

I’d also like to congratulate Beyoncé for winning the Beyoncé Knowles award, also known as Best R&B Female. That was a great performance, but you lost me. Was that a dress or a parachute? Stop letting your mother make your dresses.

*sighs*

The “hip-hop” performances. Jesus give me strength. Soulja Boy. Well I applaud you for wearing clothes that actually fit. But what in the hell? That performance…were you serious? You sounded like an Alaskan Moose being artificially inseminated and looked like Gumby running around the stage.

Just when I thought the show had hit a low, Drake and Lil’ Wayne, Weezy, I Fuck My Manager For Tracks, whatever you’re going by these days, took the stage. We had officially been set back 15 years at that point. BET couldn’t even censor out the vulgarities without it looking like a silent movie. I don’t want to hear about a woman’s pussy farts, premature ejaculation, or your erectile dysfunction. Save it for your personal care physician.

I’d like to thank Ne-Yo for his rendition of “The Lady In My Life.” You gave me a sense hope that this show could be saved. Sadly my dreams came to an end following Ciara’s performance.

The O’Jay’s tribute is the definition of a tribute. That, ladies and gentlemen is the definition of a tribute, not this nonsense you put on Debra Lee. You see young children, back in their day, they had talent. It’s a shame they gave the best performance of the night. How the hell you let 50 and 60 year old men outperform you is beyond me. Sad. Oh and after Don Cornelius’ speech, I now see why the show was extended by an hour. I think half of us went through menopause before your speech was over.

I applaud all of your efforts, but my black people, this show, as well as the tribute, was an utter mess. Like Diana Ross said, we don’t have to do some of the things we are doing to have longevity in our careers. It is an embarrassment to BET, the legacy Michael has set, and to the struggle of blacks during the Civil Rights Movement. The performances some were good, some shouldn’t have been televised, and some of you should be skinned alive. I won’t name names. We need to get it together. The attire, the way we carry ourselves, the performances, and everything else needs to be stepped up. I’ve seen bloods and crypts uphold higher standards of etiquette.

With that being said, I’d like to than you all for your support, your love, and your time. Michael will forever live in all of our hearts. We miss him very much. However we can not mourn his death, but celebrate his life and his legacy.

Thank you.

R.I.P Michael Jackson

Round And Round We Go

Good day single ladies and jumpoffs.

Well, as you can see, Rhythmless Nation Inc. is under new management. We went through a corporate restructuring, and now have a new look. If you don’t like it, live with it.


I have some very devastating news to report. Janet Jackson Forum has died. I received word from my internet browser that http://www.janetjacksonforum.net/ was no longer in existence when I tried to access the site. Yes, these are very trying times for JJF regulars. Well there’s Angie’s board. But JJF is like a BMW, while Angie’s board is like a new Kia. Things just won’t be the same. There were so many classic moments on JJF. There were so many things that were revealed during the Angie Winfrey Show. UKbrad and Sweetdream’s epic “influence” on the board. That stupid mistake Mariahisthequeen made. That dumbass account “Janet=flop.” Seanbrodie, NextJJ, and so many others. And most importantly, how many threads I saw pop up every 30 seconds about people not liking “Weekend.” May 1, 2006, the day that will live in JJF infamy. So now we must lay JJF to rest (for the time being):






Funeral services for Janet Jackson Forum will be on July 1, 2009 at the First Street AME Episcopalian Baptist Church. The family will receive friends at 1814 Control Street for the viewing, and at Angie’s board for the reception. Janet Jackson Forum was the official forum during the All For You, Damita Jo, and 20 Y.O. eras for superstar Janet Jackson. Janet news, many fights, and cock shots were transmitted on this board. We have only our memories to remind of this great place. Janet Jackson Forum has gone on to be with the Lord.

Janet Jackson Forum is survived by siblings Janet-Xone, Janet-Love, Janet-Journey, Janet Media, and Janet-Online.

The burial will take place at http://www.archive.org/.

Angie has decided to have an open casket ceremony:









One woman was unable to take the news:




Janet Jackson Forum has gone on to be with the Lord.




Okay, well now that we’ve laid JJF to rest, let’s move on.


Well as guaranteed, we start with who is important, Janet Jackson. There isn’t much going on with Janet this month. I’m sure you’ve seen those pictures of her landing in London:







Yes, she’s looking good. And let’s hope Janet has a new stylist, because we all know Janet’s sense of fashion has never been red carpet couture. And here’s our savior a week later with Prince Azim



Janet, it’s time you act look your age. Lastly, Janet is off to start filming the second installment of Why Did I Get Married?. Thank you to the sound engineer on Twitter keeping the Janet stalkers abreast on Janet’s life.


So on Tuesday Mariah decided to insult American intelligence by releasing this nonsense:





Now, I’m not too sure what he goal was for this song, but Mariah Daily says it was to “diss” if you will, rapper Eminem. Don’t ask. Well Mariah, just be ready for the backlash. He’s going to attack you and rip you a new octave if he chooses to rebuttal. Is he going to talk about that gust of air Mariah calls a voice? Will he address Emanuel Lewis Mariah has for a husband? Is he going to talk about that debacle of a performance at the Inaugural Ball? I don’t know, stay tuned and find out!


In black music history, on June 30, 1975, the legendary Natalie Cole released this classic:



The song topped the R&B chart, and peaked at #6 on the Hot 100. She went on to win Best New Artist at the Grammys, and winning Best R&B Vocal Female successfully ending Aretha’s 8 year streak, and pretty much ending Aretha’s career in the latter half of the 1970s.


Rihanna isn’t really a black artist. However the Slave Trade says she is. So I guess I can give her a little bit of shine. Rihanna’s new song leaked the other day. I guess she’s putting out albums more often than I fill up my tank. You can preview it here. I haven’t listened to the song in full, and probably wont, but I did enjoy the first 30 seconds. That’s all my music tolerance level could take from her. I didn’t like it so I had to put an “X” on it. Now that her face is back in place, she’s ready to testify against Chris Tyson in court. You can check that story out here on Rihanna Daily.


The mother ship has landed:



Yes, ladies and gents, Queen Beysus has arrived with her US leg of her I Am…The Shit World Tour. Rolling Stone is already giving her good reviews which you can read here. Now it’s time for Beyoncé to see if she can match Britney’s gross, which she wont. However she will definitely give the better show. Because come on folks, Britney’s “show” is nothing more than her backup dancers running around the stage. She’s not the ringleader in this spectacle. If you don’t have tickets to see the best performer of this generation, I suggest you get on Ticketmaster and purchase some tickets for your nearest town.


If you didn’t catch TvOne’s documentary on 80s R&B group Shalamar, I urge you to watch it. They were one of the pioneering sounds in R&B during the 80s only rivaled by Atlantic Starr. You may have heard this masterpiece:



So if you haven’t seen it, it’s on Youtube. If not catch it on TvOne.


There isn’t much going on in the rap world. Well I don’t pay attention to rap really. If it’s not 2pac, Snoop, or a few others than I just don’t care. Egotistical maniac Kanye West decided to hop on Beyoncé’s song “Ego.” Why? I don’t know. The song was just fine before he made it cliché. Allegedly, Black Eye Peas member Will.I.Am assaulted media queen Perez Hilton.



I only have one thing to say:



That’ll teach him to run his mouth about Janet and Michael. We don’t play that.

Speaking of our other savior, there have been major developments in the Michael Jackson – Raymone Baine case. Apparently this woman is suing for $44 million, which of course she won’t even get half of what she’s suing for. Suing Michael for money is growing tiresome. It was cute in the late 80s and early 90s, but at this point it’s just overkill. Anyway, as scheduled, his shows will go on for his UK “This Is It” tour. Word is Janet is supposed to be performing as well. At this point, MJ can’t afford to get outshined by his little sis again. We all know the first time it occurred....