Snatched & Split

Snatched and Split

NEW YORK, September 15 /PRNewswire/ --

It was all cheers and tears at the 2009 Video Music Awards at New York City’s Radio City Music Hall. The show opened up with a speech from the Queen of Pop herself Madonna. After her touching tribute, the first performance exploded which featured Michael Jackson classics “Thriller”, “Bad”, and “Smooth Criminal”. One final song featured his legendary sister Janet Jackson, who had worked with Michael previously on 1995’s “Scream”. And it was then when attendees say things, got ugly.

Janet literally crashed onto stage behind a glass panel during the final number to “Scream.” From that moment attendees claim that there was an immeasurable amount of wigs that were snatched. “I was cheering for Janet when I saw a few wigs fly all around the stage,” says pop star P!nk. Ms. Jackson powered her way through her verse of the classic song, at which mildly talented artists including Katy Perry, Lil Mama, and Drake stated to be experiencing shortness of breath, as well as dizziness. Witnesses say by the time Janet reached the infamous breakdown, wigs were being snatched faster than barbecue ribs at the Tom Joyner Family Reunion. As Ms. Jackson concluded her performance, she gave one last, what young Negro children call, “mean mug.” “Janet looked like she was ready to choke a bitch” says talented artist Solange Knowles via Twitter. 

Many thought they had been through enough until Hurricane Beysus assaulted the audience opening with the hit single “Sweet Dreams,” and into the iconic “Single Ladies.” Queen Beysus arose like the phoenix from the rear of the stage dressed in the now popular leotard. Audience members say it was at that point Beyoncé was shitting on hoes. As she walked to the front of the stage, more wigs were being snatched. “I don’t think the girls used the right glue” says home wrecker Alicia Keys. As if Janet’s performance hadn’t snatched bitches bald, Beyoncé added insult to injury by dragging skulls to the white meat. “It was a mess,” says attention whore Lady Gaga. “Skulls were sliding all up and down the aisles and stage. It was like watching Mariah sing live.” By the second set of “now wait!” during “Single Ladies,” wigs were being snatched at wind speeds topping 140 mph.

A spokesperson from MTV said quote, “We underestimated the power of Ms. Jackson and Queen Beysus. We were unaware they would wreck our stage as they did. The clean-up crew will have to work overtime to salvage whatever parts of the stage they can. As for the victims of the wig snatching, they are in critical condition. The worst injuries came during Beyonce’s win for Video of the Year at which victims began suffering from severe head trauma and heart complications.”

The US Surgeon General claims the reason behind the mass wig snatching can be attributed to the lack of talent from today’s music artists. “There a hemisphere of the brain that lies just above the cerebellum that is dedicated to talent. This includes singing, dancing, performing, acting, and a special ability to end another artists’ career” says the Surgeon General. Victims of the heinous act are said to be in critical condition suffering from whiplash, bald headedness, and lack of vocal ability.

When questioned why Janet and Beyoncé chose to snatch wigs, Beyoncé gave a stank looking saying, “I be shit'n on you hoe”. Janet stated off the record that she had no intention to wreck the stage as she did. However she is offering to help pay for the replacement of the wigs, but not the stage. “A bitch got bills” she said. Civil Rights activist Tina Knowles was quoted saying, “these other girls need to step their game up. You know it’s hard out here for a pimp.” She went on to say, “I also noticed Ms. Jackson was wearing a European lacefront, and I was wondering if she would be interested in being the spokesperson for our new Deréon winter line of lacefronts.” Sally’s Beauty Supply could not be reached for comment. 

Janet and Beyoncé both agree that with people like Rihanna and Britney Spears getting recording contracts, the industry is fucked.

SOURCE: The Rhythmless Tribune

Now in other news...we have good news! First let me start off by congratulating Beyoncé for collecting her 6^th consecutive Top 40 hit with “Sweet Dreams”. [cranks the tootsie roll] She also ties the record with Janet and Madonna for most #1 Dance hits from one album. The Cadillac Records soundtrack to date has spent a total of 27 non-consecutive weeks at #1 on the Billboard Blues Chart, and 37 weeks in the Top 10 which you can read about here. And we can’t forget her display of sheer class at the VMAs when she allowed Taylor Swift to give her acceptance speech, after the first attempt had been interrupted by who President Obama calls a “jackass.” Lastly, we have to congratulate Beyoncé for getting her own book in the Bible. It will be under the "New Queen Creole Version" which you can pick up from the Wig Crypt Bookstore. No Cash on Delivery. However, EBT, WIC, and unreleased Sasha Fierce tracks are all acceptable forms of payment.

 Also, we have to congratulate Whitney Houston for her comeback album debuting at #1, with sells in the excess of 300,000 copies. The same goes for Trey Songz debuting at #3 with 130,000+. Both albums getting stellar reviews. Alicia Keys, Mike Tyson Chris Brown, Lil Mama, Mary J. Blige, and Michael Jackson all have new music coming out this fall. So be on the lookout for that as well. Keep Bow Wow in your prayers in hopes that he gets another record deal. The last thing we need is another black midget on "Where Are They Now". Gary Coleman refuses to share his spotlight.

Now on to bigger news…

Janet, has landed.

Janet is back with a new song entitled “Make Me.”

Now to maintain my sanity, I have only played the song close to 300 times since I downloaded it on Sunday night. It was given as a “gift” to the fans shortly after Janet’s VMA performance. Rumor has it, that this is the lead single from Janet’s upcoming greatest hits titled #1s, which will feature 30 of Janet’s biggest global hits. 30 is a small number, considering she has a career total of 41 #1 Billboard singles. The song is doing rather well, as it received nearly 50 spins at radio the following day (Monday), keep in mind the song hasn’t even been released to radio. This JUST might be the song to bring Janet back. I remember when Janet said she was worth the wait. You can read a few reviews of the song here, here, and here.

PS, if you haven't purchased Jay-Z, Whitney Houston, or Trey Songz new albums, please do so. Support our black artists.