The State Of The Nation Address

Mama Yoke, Vice President Jimmy Jam, members of the Nation, distinguished stans, and fellow fans:

Our Constitution declares that from time to time, the President shall give to The Nation information about the state of our union. For 44 years, our leaders have fulfilled this duty. They've done so during periods of prosperity and tranquility. And they've done so in the midst of war and depression; at moments of great strife and great struggle. I am here to bring you the 2011 State of the Nation Address.

Two score and four years ago, a fetus came strutting down Katherine’s birth canal. This child was the recreation of Christ, as Christ has stated that he created her in his image. This child would be named Janet Damita Jo Jackson. Little did we know this child would deal with a troubled world in a positive way. She would take us on an escapade to the Promised Land. In 1982, she began creating a book, ten chapters and counting, about the basic instructions before leaving Earth. She used each of these chapters to tell us a story, her story. It gave us an insight to her life, and allowed us to connect with her on a secular and personal level. And it’s not an autobiography, but there are just anecdotes from Janet’s childhood until now. With each album, Janet has taught us something new or we have learned something about her. We have learned she doesn’t like nasty cars or nasty food. She taught us how to spell the word “miss”. We all have a need to feel special. Do her wrong and she’ll get in that ass. Janet is a modern day Socrates. As we look back at the last 28 years of Janet’s career, we stand in awe. Over 100 million albums sold. 34 #1s across different Billboard charts. Sold out world tours. Turned water into wine. Built the careers of the kids who followed. Yes, Janet has done it all. 15 years of stratospheric success. Let’s have a look back and what transpired during those 15 years:

• Emerged as one of the biggest artists of the 80s

• Came out from behind the shadow of the biggest star to ever walk the planet, Michael Jackson

• Had critics place her in the ranks of Michael and Madonna with the release of ONE album

• Released an album that created New Jack Swing

• Co-authored the peace treaty to end Persian Gulf War

• Praised by Michael Jackson, Elton John, Bonnie Raitt, and was admired by Princess Diana of Wales

• Ranked as the second most successful female artist of all time

• Created the template for sex in the music industry

• Had Stevie Wonder call her album the greatest pop album in history

A chip off the old block if I may say so myself. Some artists have been in the industry 10 and 15 years and still have not come close to those achievements. Poor them. The past year or so has been good to us. We got our second greatest hits compilations disc. Janet gave us a stellar performance in Why Did I Get Married Too. And it was great because the golf club scene was very therapeutic and cathartic and you’ll see that in the film. She stole the show on the American Idol season finale. Ended the War in Iraq. Headlined the Essence Music Festival, and starred in her 5^th film, For Colored Who Have Considered Suicide After Seeing Janet’s Harem Pants In The “Nothing” Video. Yes, we all know we did not like those pants. Hell, even Janet wasn’t taking the blame for those pants. I don’t blame her either.

In the passing months, we’ve noticed it is becoming okay to like Janet Jackson again. We are starting to see a lot of bandwagoning. A lot of Michael’s fans jumped on Janet’s bandwagon expecting her to become Michael, or at least live variously through her. After all, Janet is the female Michael Jackson. In fact, they are the same person. However, this wont be the last time we see bandwagoning. Bangwagoning is common in stan land. It occurs when two or more stans who stan for opposing artists, one superior and another inferior, have a subtle disagreement that ultimately escalates into a battle and one stan milks an artist irrelevant to the discussion in an attempt to “win” the battle. For example: when the Justin Bieber stans felt their testes drop, they thought they could try their luck with the Michael stans. When the Mike stans kindly reminded them of their place, the Justin Bieber stans begin referencing The Beatles because Justin’s achievements do not hold a candle to Mike’s. Oddly enough, when stans bandwagon, they know almost nothing about the artist they are milking to win their battles .

It seems that a lot of fans have come back to the Janet land after they jumped shipped around 2004. But it is fine since it’s okay to like Janet again. We are finally coming back to form. Janet is finally getting back to her R&B roots, because that’s where it all started…with the Control album and Rhythm Nation, and even the janet. album. The young kids are referencing her more often now than in the past couple of years. Kids are doing 8 counts Janet did back when she didn’t need a new hip after each tour. It seems like Janet is finally getting some credit for her work, despite the media trying to act like she hasn’t done anything. And people wonder why we are not too happy as a stan group. We’ve dealt with Janet going unnoticed for her impact. The most recent, is rather questionable, to say the least. Whitney Houston, LL Cool J, Justin Timberlake, and Alicia Keys over Janet?

 

Really? That’s what we do now? I enjoy said artists (minus Justin Timberlake, I’m not here for Usher clones), but none of them have come close to releasing an album as important as janet. or even Control. The Control album created the New Jack Swing genre, arguably the most popular genre of music from 1987 – 1995. But who gets the credit? Teddy Riley and Babyface. The album is responsible for the careers of Pebbles, Sharon Bryant, Jody Watley, and most notably Paula Abdul. Their careers were founded on being Janet clones. Labels packaged artists and milked them for the time being. Unfortunately, all of their careers ended September 12, 1989, or shortly thereafter. I won’t even discuss this:

After its inception by Janet, many artists started using headset microphones on tours, and even in their regular performances. But has Janet gotten the credit? No. And other stans wonder why there is spite towards the amount of praise other acts get. Is it out of jealousy? No. For instance, R&B music really came into fruition in the 1980s. The 60s and early 70s were plagued with soul and blues music. In 1974, disco music became the genre for Blacks to move records. It wasn’t until the 1980s that R&B TRULY came into the form we know today. Janet helped to shape and mold this “form”. No act of her caliber was doing R&B and moving units like Janet. Whitney did not start doing heavy R&B until after she got booed at the Soul Train awards. At which point, she got on the New Jack Swing bandwagon, something Janet created with Control, and got praised for it. And we won’t even discuss how Michael’s Dangerous is nothing more than his Rhythm Nation 1814. But the media, nor his fans, would dare state the obvious, for the obvious reason(s). A considerable amount of the reason why acts of today can sell R&B music internationally, and move tens of millions of albums, is because Janet introduced it to them with Control, Rhythm Nation 1814, and janet. Someone had to break the mold. The world didn’t just start liking a genre that was only successful stateside. I challenge you to find an R&B album as successful as Control was prior to 1986. So as loyal stans, it is ridiculous how other acts get credit for things Janet innovated or popularized. This is why many Janet fans and stans may come off as bitter, jealous, whatever. Now, we’re not saying Janet is the creator of the music industry, but her influence and impact has been under the radar for quite some time.

We have to remember 40s is mid age. Janet is in transition from young Janet to menopausal Janet. So don’t be surprised if she starts getting a little snappy in her interviews. As we progress, we seem to regress. Not because of Janet, but because of other stans. Yes, Janet is a legend, an icon, a trendsetter, etc. But for some odd reason, Janet always seems to get looped into comparisons by today’s acts. I have encountered Janet being compared to the likes of Rihanna, Ciara, Beyoncé, Britney, and any other run of mill chick who has put a song in the top ten of the Hot 100. I’m not sure if it’s because Janet can still compete and give the girls a run for their money, or if it's because Janet isn't a second rate diva who can't sustain.

Whatever the case may be, I’m sure there’s an underlying reason. The beauty of pointless stan wars with these stans is that they understand her greatness. From the time Control dropped, it was seen as a fluke, Janet got lucky with a hit album. But when Rhythm Nation 1814 was released, the critics acted like they were guests on a surprise episode of Oprah’s Favorite Things. It only took one album for Janet to get into the ranks of Michael and Madonna. Some acts have upwards of 5 albums, and still have not had any of their albums compared to Michael or Madonna’s. They understand that the only acts who can top Janet are Michael and Madonna. They understand Janet created the template for their careers. They understand their faves are influenced by Janet in one way or another. They understand her impact and influence on the industry is far greater than their half brains can fathom. If being tertiary to Michael and Madonna is an insult, then it’s a very kind one considering that it shows a) Janet can compete with both of them, and b) those are her only peers. It really speaks more to Janet considering the essence that is Michael Jackson and Madonna, arguably the two most popular artists of all time. You can’t touch Janet's discography...or her videography...unless you’re Madonna...or Michael...which means everyone else pales in comparison, right? Don’t you just love the self shade? 

Don’t see a page for Whitney. Don’t see one for Michael. Don’t see one for Mariah. Don’t see one for Madonna.

But that’s neither here nor there.

We just want Janet to be successful again. Every stan wants to see their artist at the top. We want Janet to get the respect she deserves, the credit she deserves, and the success she deserves. It’s not asking much. We have choices. Take the avenue of continuing new music, or going for that Oscar, because unlike others, Janet is actually respected as an actress. And people forget that Janet started out on Good Times. Because acting is Janet’s first passion, it’s what she started out doing. And she’s finally getting back to that. Her acting has definitely improved since the days when Justice threatened to kick your ass if you kicked her cat. Janet is need of roles that will stretch her to where she can display her acting potential. We have to remember, Halle and Whoopi didn’t become Oscar worthy overnight. If Janet chooses to pursue film, we are starting a new phase of her career. It’s a new space. We need that “Control” role. The role that makes Hollywood respect Janet even more as an actress. If Janet chooses to go with music, it’s a very risky move. We all know Janet’s past handful of albums have been quite dismal in sales. The public has been warming back up to her since Discipline, but that is not enough to make Janet succeed. As a woman whose level of fame was, at one point, greater than Michael and Madonna’s, she needs to focus on creating music that is secular. Music that catapulted her to megastar status. Music that taught us to celebrate life, and how to suck a mean cock.

[side note]

Just recently, Janet announced she was going on her biggest world tour ever:

So members of The Nation, when tricking on the corners to pay for your tickets, remember a few simple rules:

1.   Don’t work for free – hoeing backwards has never been profitable

2.   Get paid for all labor performed – tricking is not a volunteer service

3.   Carry your blade with you in your wig at all times – if something pops off, the cops will not help you (for obvious reasons)

4.   Protect yourselves – tricking is short term, STDs are long term. It’s not the win-win

5.   Avoid Durex – their condoms break easily…or so I’ve heard

6.   Trick in groups of two or more – many hands make for light work; lend a hand to help your brother/sister do his/her best

7.   Remember the hot spots – downtown near clubs, corners near corporate offices, check cashing parking lots, etc

8.   Keep away from the drunks – the last thing you want is a date rape charge on your record

9.   Know your customers – if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck…he/she is probably under 18, stay away

10. Know your limits – golden showers and Cleveland steamers are pushing it. Remember, although this is for Janet, you should never compromise your self-respect…unless you want the VIP seats

11. Above all else – remember, this is for Janet.

                                                               

So where are we as a Nation? We’re in a new space. And it’s a happy space. We finally feel like we’re coming into our own. This new space hopefully won’t be between the cracks in JD’s heart or Mariah’s live vocal performances. But a space where Janet feels like she can finally rest, because her corns are starting to hurt her feet. We are looking towards the future, where Janet will be in another new space. The future is looking bright. So remember, ask not what Janhova can do for you, but what you can do for Janhova.

The Rhythmless Nation

In 1989, a young nappy headed trollop named Janet Jackson sought out to deal with a trouble world in a positive way. With her two ace boon coons Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, she created Rhythm Nation 1814. She called for an end to color lines and to unify as one. Successfully, she accomplished her goal. Sadly, those who unified still exhibited lines that differentiated the unification. There’s someone who wants to be the head hoe on the corner. There’s a struggling hoe trying to make his/her way up the totem pole. And then there’s the charity hoe, the one struggling for “business”, so everyone “chips in” to help the charity hoe.

In the past couple of months, I’ve sat and watched Janet stans turn fandom into a cult. What went from being in a fan community became being a member of Heaven’s Gate. My sanity inhibits my ability comment on this silliness, but even if I could, I would not go there. But for the sake of time, I’ll play along with the malarkey. In the past couple of months I’ve watched different blogs try to categorize Janet stans into a box, and generalize. As we’ve learned some time ago, generalizing can be detrimental. So we won’t go there. Instead, categorizing Janet’s stans and explaining common characteristics of each group is more befitting than overall generalizing.

The Utopia Stans

Somewhere over the rainbow the Utopia stans reside. These stans can often be confused with having been drug induced with LSD/Angel Dust because in their world, Janet is the creator of everything existing. Jimmy and Terry co-wrote ALL the holy books with Janet. Socrates based his philosophical ideas off the Rhythm Nation 1814 album, Aphrodite is seen as a rip off of janet. album Janet, and Control is the template for Western thought. In this world, unicorns and mermaids populate the land. Janet can do no wrong. Having 3 singles released and later calling them “buzz singles” and 2 of which failing to make the Hot 100 bubbling is “epic”. Negativity does not exist in these mythical lands of perfection. It is best to just leave them be, and let them live. 

The Disciple Stans

These are some of the best stans in the stan community. These are the carefree stans. They could care less about album sales, charting singles, promotion etc. They just enjoy the music and don’t let simple speed bumps effect their enjoyment of Janet. The “Easy” button is always in arms reach, and the panic button is somewhere lost in the commotion with the fickle stans. They know Janet will make a way in the end and everything will be fine once the dust settles. These stans get along well with the Wise Men stans due to similar perspectives on a number of Janet related things. The Disciple stans are instrumental in maintaining sanity on the board when some stans prematurely hit the panic button. 

The “Fast Girls” Stans

The Fast Girls stans are the youngest of the Janet stan community. They usually range in age from the time their testicles/eggs drop to about 18. They came on board around the time Janet became an attention whore and decided to pop out her baby well at the Super Bowl back in 2004. Bless their hearts. Only Janet’s slave titty could bring together so many youth looking for guidance. They don’t understand “Janet Jackson”. They don’t quite understand Janet’s status in the industry. They don’t understand that she’s an icon, a legend, a raging sexaholic with bad breath. For some reason she should still compete with the lesser girls today’s acts. They want Janet to perform at every award show, every fashion show, and every 1^st Street Baptist Church barbeque. (Who made the potato salad?). If Rihanna gets man handled in the passenger seat of her Kia Sephia, Janet should do that as well. To them, Janet is bringing awareness to domestic violence and it’ll help her album sales. If Beyoncé goes to court for using her five finger discount in the recording studio, Janet should do that too. To them, Janet is getting her feet wet with the justice system so when she doesn’t want to do music anymore, she can become a lawyer. Some of them just don’t get it. They say things like, “20 Y.O. is my favorite Janet album” or “I didn’t even know Janet and Michael were brother and sister.” And where else would such ridiculousness be posted??? Often times they are the ones who give Janet stans a bad rep. They make other stans look un-Janeducated. They haven’t really been exposed to Janet’s entire legacy but they are slowly learning. So we forgive them, at times. They don't know any better. 

The Wise Men Stans

The wise men stans are a relatively small group that accounts for a small percentage of the Janet stan population. More than likely these are the fans that were “of age” when Control dropped shortly after the signing of the Magna Carta. They’ve watched Janet go from a shy young girl, to a musical politician, to a slut for sale, to a psychiatric ward escapee. They’ve grown up with Janet, and watch her evolve as a person and as an artist. Contrary to the Janhova’s Witnesses, The Wise Men stans are less likely to frivol time away comparing Janet’s stats to those of the lesser girls. They know wherever the young girls are, and wherever they’re going, Janet has already been and did it bigger and better. Because they grew up with Janet, they are aware of her impact and what she has done in the industry. So there’s really nothing you can tell them about Janet. However, much like Janet, they keep to themselves. But after much provocation, they reach their breaking point and snap. Their shut downs are quick, soft, subtle, and informative. They’re seasoned slayers and have had decades years of practice. The gay ones are lethal and can stab via font. The straight ones, not so much, but still deadly.   

The Janhova’s Witnesses

You know how politicians, middle school teachers, and drug dealers stress the importance of extracurricular activities so kids won’t get into trouble? The Janhova’s Witnesses are “those kids”. They are usually between the ages of 18 and 26, often male, female, both, or Ciara to be determined. Rather than doing something constructive with their time, the Janhova’s Witnesses choose to spend their day listening to Janet’s albums, learning her dance routines, tweeting her, etc. This group has been following Janet since the 90s when Janet’s knees weren’t buckling after each 8 count and she didn’t need a daily supply poligrip. The Janhova’s Witnesses are usually the creative bunch of the stan population and are responsible for popularizing the term “Janhova’s Witness”. They keep Janet’s name relevant in the foolery other stans partake in. That includes foolishness like this, this, and this. So I suppose under those pretenses they do exhibit some level of sanity. These are the stans who collect wigs in Janet’s honor during a stan war. They know ALL of Janet’s stats: album sales, charts, tour gross, weight gain/loss, blood type, and even have a urine sample. The Witnesses’ purpose in a stan war becomes non-existent at a point. They know Janet’s status is above those who they’re arguing with, but they join in just to pass the time. There’s no REAL objective and it ultimately leads to nowhere. Formidable Witnesses, aka Janazis, are known to be ruthless in stan wars. These are the ones to steer clear of because like MJ stans, sometimes they drag in droves and you just will not win. It will get ugly, and personal.

The “State of the World” Stans

You know how when you’re in class, and there’s always that one person who is two syllables away from you skinning them alive? This is them. The “State of the World” stans are the panickers , the worriers, the fairweathers, the ones who bring pure chaos to the board. They are the people who make you question the legitimacy of the Bill of Rights. These are the ones who you secretly want to cause bodily harm to. These are the stans who panic when the slightest problem goes wrong. A simple lighting miscalculation will lead them to believe the lights of the stadium will go out and the rest of the tour will get canceled. Janet not getting enough promotion will cause the album to tank. A single that doesn’t debut on the charts minutes after downloading the leak is an omen of failure. Their fandom is contingent upon how high or low Janet is on the charts, how many awards Janet receives, or how many wings Janet ordered from Church’s. Sometimes it’s okay to wear your fandom on your sleeve, but sometimes it isn’t. These fans are what cause other fans to not enjoy the music. Speaking from a personal experience, I was in love with 20 Y.O. when I first bought it. Then I joined Janet-Xone. They are the most vocal, but the least helpful. Sometimes proposed solutions are often proceeded by, “Well Madonna…”, or whomever is currently having success is what Janet should do to be successful. These fans are fickle. They don’t take up for Janet by any means. Their fandom is questionable. They aren’t too popular in the fan community. [side note: why do I feel like I just analyzed half of Janet-Xone? Odd…] These fans should be left out in the pastures, or in a ditch begging for mercy if you ask me.

So I think I’ve covered all the fans within the fan community. But no time to sit and think, I got an idea for another post. Stay tuned.

[Damn this is a long song].

A Decade Of Legendness

1999 - World Music Awards: Outstanding Contribution to Pop & R&B



 

 

2001 - American Music Awards: Award of Merit
 

2001 – MTV: MTV Icon

2001 – TMF Awards: Lifetime Career Achievements

2001 - Billboard Music Awards: Artistic Achievement

 

 2002 – Kid’s Choice Awards: Wannabe Award

2002 – Recording Academy: Governor’s Award

2004 – Soul Train Awards: Quincy Jones Award for Outstanding Career Achievements

2004 - Radio Music Awards: Radio Legend Award

2004 – MOBO Awards: Icon Award/Hall of Fame

2004 – MTV Japan: Inspiration Award

2005 – Human Rights Campaign: Humanitarian Award

2006 – Hollywood Style Awards: Ultimate Trendsetter Icon Award

2006 – Oprah: Legend’s Ball

2007 – Ebony: Pre-Oscar Honoree

2008 – GLAAD: Vanguard Award

2008 – NewNowNext Awards: Always Next, Forever Now Award

Watch Gay Video & Lesbian Movies

My patience is low, and my temper is high.



Just toss the awards in the back with the others.

6 Reasons Why You Hate Beyoncé

You're probably wondering why I’m making a post about Beyoncé, on a Janet blog. Well, to be honest, I really don’t have an answer. I just feel like doing it. Don’t fret, there will be another Janet post coming soon. Now that she has put down the fork, and picked up Atkins, she’s actually been doing something with her life. So there's something to blog about. #noshadeatJanet

I did a post like this about Janet (click here) a while ago. And I got a request to do another for Janet. But I didn't want to be repetitive. So I opted out. Besides I just couldn't come up with any other reasons why people hate on Janet. But let's get back to Beyoncé. Recently Beyoncé decided to release one more video as a thank you to her fans for making “Why Don’t You Love Me” reach #1 on the dance chart, and to get the haters up in arms one last time before she decides to retire the Sasha Fierce lacefront. The past year and a half have been good to Beyoncé. I Am…Sasha Fierce won 6 Grammys (the most for a female in a single night), “Single Ladies” became an international sensation, and Beyoncé saved 15% on her car insurance by switching to Geico. As the I Am…Sasha Fierce era comes to a close, we want to look back at why Beyoncé experienced the hate she endured. With the Beycession afoot, I, along with House of Deréon interns in the armadillo skin handbags division, conducted extensive research to give an analysis of why people hate Beyoncé. These are our findings:

1.   She can’t keep her balance

When Beyoncé first began her solo career we knew her as a music artist. After a few albums, movies, endorsements, and space missions, Beyoncé had morphed into more than just a music artist. She became a music artist, an actress, a spokesperson, and even Dutch cattle herder. She is all over the place. She’s on the radio. She’s on television. She’s in your thesaurus. She’s on your mind. She doesn’t know what the hell she wants to be. Everything she does, she is successful, whether if it is music, movies, television, endorsements, architecture, or transmission repair. She has yet to fail in any of her ventures. Three back to back multi-platinum albums. A top 5 hit 7 years running. Box office smash after box office smash. Tour after tour, Forbes after Forbes. The woman is a force to be reckoned with, and doesn’t show any signs of stopping. But you know the other kids just can’t take. Whenever Beyoncé has success at something, there are those who just can’t be happy for her. To mask the love, shade is thrown. Hate is spewed. Mass suicide is committed. Let us remember, during the Second Punic War when Janet and Whitney became stars, Black women did not have these opportunities. So “we” need to be thankful for that we have an African-American WOMAN bitch slapping the industry left and right.

2.   She won’t sit down

Every time you turn on the TV, Beyoncé is there. A promo for the limited rerelease deluxe premium edition B’day Anthology video box set will flash across the screen. And you sit and wonder how that is remotely relevant to the infomercial you are watching about the Magic Bullet. Everywhere you turn, Beyoncé is there. And at every turn, people are asking Beyoncé to sit down, have some babies, gain weight, whatever. Beyoncé sitting down is going to help your favorite flops sell records. Beyoncé sitting down isn’t going to make us like your favorite flops any more, or even give them a chance. Beyoncé sitting down isn't going to help your favorite flops win any awards. Award committees will continue to pay them the same dust Billboard is paying their singles. A #1 song on the Twitter bubbling under chart is nothing to brag about. Beyoncé sitting down isn’t going to cure cancer. You beg and plead for her to sit down, yet you tune in to all of appearances, watch her interviews, watch her performances, and have e-fights on YouTube in the comments section, you listen to her music. You frequently bring her name up in situations that don't call for it. You use her name to promote your flop activities/events. I guess you only want Beyoncé when it's convenient for you. That's not the way love goes. So the best thing YOU can do is sit down, close your mouth, and continue to let Beyoncé hammer the nails on the coffin containing your fave’s career (given your fave still has a career).

3.   She has a gym membership

To be Alicia, requires piano skills. To be Britney, requires a social worker. To be Beyoncé, requires brute strength. When you're at the top, you have several people below trying to bring you down. You take more blows than Rihanna or Cassie (double shade, catch it). Everyone has to compare whatever someone is doing to Beyoncé. If someone is singing, that person is a better singer than Beyoncé. If someone is dancing, that person is a better dancer than Beyoncé. If someone is sleeping, that person is a better sleeper than Beyoncé. Just look at how relaxed her face is. And notice how the heart pumps oxygen and blood to the chin muscles? Beyoncé could never. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, my spirit has been torn. If you have to compare someone to Beyoncé, doesn't that mean Beyoncé is the one to beat? And if you have to compare someone to Beyoncé, doesn't that take away from the person? It's like what that person is doing isn't good enough to stand on its own two feet.So you have to compare it to Beyoncé for ankle support? Stans will attack with any possible ammunition to bring down Beyoncé. When “Rude Boy” went #1, the Rihanna stans acted like bats on acid. When The Tribute Tour To Madonna Britney's Circus Tour out grossed the I Am…Tour, the Britney stans were released from their straight jackets. These stans took shots at Beyoncé left and right. But let's look at this in perspective. What does Britney have over Beyoncé other than album sales and tour gross? What does Rihanna have over Beyoncé other than #1 hits? What does Alicia have over Beyoncé other than her ability to play the piano? Same for P!nk, Ashanti, Ciara, and even Keri Hilson. Beyoncé has the World Music Award’s Legend Award. Where is Britney’s, with all those albums she has sold? Beyoncé has the American Music Award’s International Excellence Award. Where's Rihanna’s? Beyoncé has the NRJ Music Awards Greatest Artist of the Decade Award. Where is Alicia’s? Beyoncé has 16 Grammys. Where are P!nk’s? When is Ciara going to perform for The President? Hell, can she even perform for the president of a PTA at this point? All these females are supposed to be better than Beyoncé right? Why can't they keep up? Where are their distinguished awards? Where are Rolling Stone, Billboard, NPR, and the Grammy board praising their work? Where are legends such as Diana Ross, Tina Turner, Whitney, Janet, Bono, Aretha, Michael, Donna Summer, The Obamas, and many others praising the other girls’ talent or work(s)? Where are they on the charts? Again, these girls are supposed to be “better” than Beyoncé right? Don't get me wrong, those girls are great talents (minus Rihanna), but I hope you see the point I’m make here. Beyoncé has the sales, the awards, the critical acclaim, the tour gross, the respect, the income, the movie gross, the praise, and the hits to back up her ego. The other girls only have two or three of the aforementioned items. And I’m not here for short comings. 

4.   We gave her a mile, and she went light year

Back in 2003, we thought it was okay to let a Black chick with blond hair and thunder thighs get a hit or two. She wouldn't over shine her peers. She wouldn't last too long. She wouldn't do what the fast girls do. We couldn't have been any more wrong. We let her swing her lacefront one too many times, and her cerebral cortex went into overdrive. She became a massive worldwide phenomenon. She racked up hit after hit, and sold an impressive amount of albums and singles. She won awards for singing, music videos, knitting, and philanthropy. She set a standard for what it means to be a performer in the 2000s. She doesn't need to wear household appliances, do a trapeze act, or fall while doing nothing on stage to keep your attention. She goes a little further than most performers by making the most obscure facial expressions, fires people on stage, and even does the dutty wine on stage. She conceptualizes her music videos and understands they are a visual extension of the song. Something she learned from the video greats – Michael, Madonna, and Janet. Mass critical acclaim and 16 Grammys ranging from R&B to pop to best traditional bluegrass vocal can make even the most devout haters speechless. She always goes a little further does a little extra just to satisfy her audience. We tell her to sing, and she peels our wigs back. We tell her her album sucks, and she wins 5 Grammys. We tell her there's no more spicy wings, and she has a Linda Blair moment.  Beyoncé continues to exceed our expectations. It also doesn't help that she has a heart of gold, is well mannered, and treats others the way she wants to be treated.We thought it would be okay to let her snatch a few wigs here and there. We didn't know she was going to snatch wigs, weaves, laces, new growth, prom, and baby hair.

5.   She's an around the way girl

Beyoncé comes full circle. She's an all around talent. People can hate all they want, but they can't deny that she can sing. They can't say she can't dance. They can't say she can't put on a show. Because then they would be lying. And I'm not here for that. She is one of the most versatile performers that has walked the globe. Her peers will always take the back seat. P!nk is a good performer, but no one at the BET Awards would want to see her. Gaga can't perform at the Kennedy Center Honors. There just isn't enough room on stage for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade floats she has on stage to compensate for her lack of stage presence. Alicia is fine...until she steps from behind the piano. And when performing on the South Lawn at the White House, the last thing you want to do is make an awkward impression on foreign leaders. Rihanna, well, [5 minutes goes by], well only Rihanna…well. You get what I'm saying. None of them embody Beyonce’s versatility. Not only in performing, Beyoncé can sing pop, R&B, dance, hip-hop, sign language, grunge, and blues. She has employed and mixed genres of music and drug your faves effortlessly. She has pop hits. She has R&B hits. She has up-tempo hits. She has ballad hits. The only hits she doesn’t have are Whitney’s and Rihanna’s. #shade. Your faves will be lucky if they can even get their singles on the Hot 100 waiting list. The only time some artists will see a #1 is on their iTunes play counts. 

6.   She has a militia

Beyoncé exercises her Third Amendments right daily. She keeps the troops out of her house, and on the field. And by troops, I mean fans. Part of the reason why you hate Beyoncé is because more than likely you tried to break cute with one of her fans, and your ass got read your First Amendment, Civil, and Miranda Rights all in one sitting. You tried to say Beyoncé stole a song. Only for a fan to sit your happy-go-lucky fat neck ass back down in your seat with facts. You tried to come for Beyonce’s singing. And all a Beyoncé stan had to do was post her Grammys for vocal performance to shut you up. You tried to pop off when you thought no one was looking. And then a stan came along and told you what you could do with it, and where you could stick it. Just when you thought you shut down a Beyoncé fan, that fan comes back with a Reuters article, three YouTube videos, a full page magazine scan, two press releases, a Google Books link with referenced page numbers, and notarized FBI documentation that Beyoncé did or did not do whatever you are accusing her of. Oh and don’t think they had to search for them, because they have them bookmarked in their favorites on their internet browser. Beyoncé stans are bred and raised in a top secret location, and sent out in the field service for duty. They are dedicated fans who will defend Beyoncé to the end of the day. And it is for that reason why Beyoncé continues to give 110% every day of the week.

So in closing, take this all in. Tell your mama, tell your friends, tell anyone whose heart can comprehend. Understand that your hate is not biological, but psychological. Just when you thought you hated Beyoncé for another reason, no, you don’t. It’s for one of the abovementioned reasons. It may be a tough pill to swallow, but there are some things you need to accept. And Beyoncé dragging your faves this past decade one way or another is one of them.

BASK.

The Gospel Of Janet Jackson

I know I haven't posted in a while, because I've been very busy. So I thought I'd give you something to hang you over until the next entry which is coming soon, and to let you all know I'm still alive.

Don’t Let Your Eyes Deceive You

Well let me start off by saying Happy New Year to all you chirrens of the world. I know it’s been quite some time since the last post, but I’ve been very busy trying to get my life in order. In addition to the Rhythmless Headquarters getting evicted for not paying the rent and we have Latoya in the Accounts Receivable department to thank for that. But the good news is we’re back in the business. We’ve got a new year, a new look, and a new attitude. So I want to start off the post with some more insightful, rather than the typical coonery and buffoonery we here at the Rhythmless Headquarters do on a daily basis. Disclaimer #1: yes, I am stealing comments from the boards. If you happen to see a comment you made on a board, feel free to point it out in the comments section. Sue us. We don’t care.

So as we all know Janet is releasing a new album this spring. But recent events have made this year rather problematic for Janet fans. The death of Michael Jackson has stirred up banter about Janet being an opportunist, and using his death as a means to return her to her past glory. Anyone with common sense knows Janet is the last Jackson to do such a thing. When has she ever used Michael’s name to promote herself? Being a Jackson, or Mike’s little sister surely didn’t help sell those first two albums (although “You’ll Never (Find A Love Like Mine)” and “If It Takes All Night” are my jams). Sure being a member of the Jackson family helped Janet get her foot in the door in many places, but the name only goes so far. Just look at the other Jacksons not having flourishing music careers. Talent, drive, and determination are what led Janet to the point she is at now. If she didn’t need the family then, more than likely she doesn’t need them now. She’s been doing fine. But in my travels around the boards, I’ve seen the usual ignorance being posted. My fellow Janet fans and stans, my mind’s tired, my soul is weak, and my intelligence is suffering. The comments from certain people leave me wondering why some are even allowed near a computer. I won’t go into details, but the Michael fans, I love you because we are a family, but give it a break. The comments like “Janet is using Michael...”, “the family is using Michael...”, “the Social Security Administration is out to get Michael...”, "Al-Qaeda is using Michael...", etc has run its course. It is time stop pointing the finger at everyone else like everything is everyone else’s fault. The main reason why some of you have such distaste for Janet is because she said Michael had a drug addiction in her ABC Interview in November. You all have not been the same since then. I’m sure had she LIED and said Mike didn’t have a drug addiction, you all would be worshiping the ground she walked on. I’m sure if she and the family locked themselves up in Hayvenhurst and chose not to speak on the situation you’d accuse the family of being insensitive. It makes me wonder if the shoe was on the other foot would everything still be the same. What if Janet had died on June 25, 2009 and Michael postponed This Is It. You’d be up in an uproar. What if Michael still chose to do the concerts? Would you accuse him of being insensitive and not grieving enough for Janet? I’m sure you wouldn’t. I’m baffled as to how you can tell someone how to grieve the loss of a sibling. Janet can’t just stop her life and her career. Was that what you were hoping for? What about her fans? If you’re still grieving, I send my condolences to you, I’m still sad myself. But don’t patronize others just because YOU are still going through the emotions and others aren’t. Some people get over things faster than others. Disclaimer #2: if you just so happen to post this one of Michael’s boards, once you do, log off immediately, change your IP address, and purchase a new computer because those Mike fans will hunt you down.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, we can move on.

Well I can say lately good old Janet-Xone has been what it has always been…a bunch of young adults thinking they can give Janet career advice. The old EMI Board is still a zoo full of wild animals. I actually made 20 posts in the past month, a record. But today, I want to speak to Janet’s younger fans. And sadly, I might even be speaking to some of her older fans who have selective amnesia. I don’t really know where to start, but just take the ride, it’s an escapade. Hopefully somewhere into the post I’ll start to make sense.

Janet Damita Jo Jackson has been in the entertainment industry since April 1973, a period of nearly 37 years. In 1982, Janet began her music career, and it expanded form that year, to 2010. Within those 28 years, Janet put 27 songs in the Top 10 on the Hot 100, sold over 100 million albums, got arrested for petty theft at Sears, won hundreds of awards, and blazed a trail. She has blessed the world with groundbreaking music videos, amazing choreography, performed on stages around the world, and released albums that have defined music. Yes, we can say our girl has paid her dues. Don’t except Janet to do what younger mainstream artists are doing. Sure we want Janet to have massive radio airplay, win all the awards, and sell millions of albums. But the reality is, Janet has already achieved those feats. There’s no need for her to have songs on radio. Radio already considers her a legend. There’s no need for her to sell more albums, she’s already sold over 100 million of them. Putting Janet in the shoes of today’s artist is a step down from all she’s accomplished, regardless of however big the biggest artist(s) of today is/are. The anti-Janet fans like to limit her success to this decade to compare their faves to Janet. But that’s the beauty of it. Janet has success spanning three (soon to be four) decades, while other girls have only one. *withholds my laughter* They way I see it is, if Janet’s records and achievements haven’t been broken or matched, they will forever be relevant. Janet put 7 songs in the Top 5 with Rhythm Nation 1814. Indeed it was 20 years ago, but since that record has YET to be broken or even matched, it is still very relevant today…and will continue to be relevant until an artist breaks it. This in reality will never happen.


The other reality is that Janet, at this point, is past her prime. We need to understand that. Janet’s time in the spotlight is over. Every artist goes through it. You have your success, you peak, and then you slowly decline. That’s the way love goes. There’s no need to chase the fame Janet owned during her hay-day. You have to give the younger artists a chance to make their careers and make their place in history. Everything you see today’s artists doing, Janet has been there done that. Sure the haters can call Janet a has been. They’re absolutely right. Janet has been wherever today’s artists are and wherever they’re going, and probably did it better than them. The Discipline Era didn’t go over so well. But that’s bound to happen when the label exec has a business degree from the University of Phoenix. Let’s be happy Janet was able to tour. Some artist can’t even tour family picnics, let alone arenas and stadiums. Janet did 37 songs for 3 hours. Most artists can only put together a set list of 20 hits, give or take, and doesn’t even have to reach back into a group’s catalog to fill the show *whistles*. Actually let me rephrase that, artists can only put together a set list of 20 SONGS, give or take. I forgot a HIT was a song peaking in the Top 10.

Let us celebrate the fact that Janet is winning multiple “Legend” and “Lifetime Achievement” awards from major award shows. The Greatest Hits compilation is a testament of her work. There aren’t too many artists who can have a TWO DISC SET of 33 NUMBER ONE hits. And if you’re really a fan, you know that Janet has had way more than 33 #1 global hits. Janet has been praised by MTV, Vogue, BET, Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder, Jesus Christ, Rolling Stone, Q Magazine, the Recording Academy (that’s the Grammys for the slow ones), and many more. We’re in good company. Janet’s musical peers are Michael, Prince, Madonna, Whitney, Mariah, Celine, and Anita Baker. The artists today have a home wrecker, a woman beater, a copy cat, a punching bag, and an unfit parent as musical peers. Janet is in a new space in 2010 (and yes I did just reference the AFY Era catchphrase). Janet Jackson is in her legendary transition period. She’s a new legend, and Oprah will agree.

So moving on, as we all know Janet is creating an album that will end the fighting in Israel. And as you know when Janet is out, the anti-Janet fans are out to hate. Naturally we like to defend our girl, but there are just some times when you let the sheep be lost in the wilderness. When debating with anti-Janet fans, understand the levels of security, and know when to back away. Thus we here at the Rhythmless Headquarters, after careful research, have constructed the following chart:









We here at the Headquarters will adjust the pressed level accordingly. We are working directly with the Department of Homeland Security to monitor how pressed anti-Janet fans are in over 118 countries. As you can see the lower levels represent minor Janet. This type of hate is general caused by candid and public appearances. The second level indicates anti-Janet fans who are a bit more perturbed. This is caused by news such a magazine articles and such. The third stage is a bit more worrisome caused by major television interviews/appearances on shows like Oprah, Good Morning America, Snuggies infomercials, etc. The fourth stage is when you should start backing away. The anti-Janet fan is hating at wind speeds over 140 mph. Janet must be snatching wigs. By the 5th and final stage, it is then you need to call Pope John Paul II and have him perform an exorcism. Janet must REALLY be giving it to the girls. This is caused by all four lower level stages coming together and wreaking havoc on the pop world. Again, just back away.

So my dear Janet Jackson fans, stans, anti-Janet fans, and casual fans, we’re in a new space. We’re legendary right along with Janet herself. Although Janet hasn’t had the success as her peers, she has still made her mark on the world and the industry. She has sold albums. She has had hits. She has won awards. She has danced until her feet were sore. She has walked on water. She has done it all. She has given us a lot of bragging rights. The only thing for us to do is to kick back and enjoy the blessings this woman has given us over the past 37 years.