10 Reasons Why You Hate On Janet

I know it’s been some time since the last post, but I’ve been busy. Yes, running with the bulls in Spain, and going door-to-door spreading the gospel of our beloved Janet Jackson on Saturday mornings at 8 a.m. passing out Rhythm Nation pamphlets and “Make Me” advertisements. Yes kids, “Make Me” is now available on iTunes. I’m not the best at keeping people informed about what is going on with Janet. But if you want to know up-to-date information, always check out the Rhythmless Sister City Janet Central. They have all the tea on Ms. Janet.



Anyway, I was sitting in class bored out of my mind reflecting on the week’s events, thinking about the routine things: how much work I could have done yesterday that I didn’t do, how many days until I get my next unemployment check, and Janet. In my attempts to understand why people hate on others, be it Janet, Michael, Beyoncé, Elmer Fud, whoever. So I came to 10 conclusions as to why people take pleasure in hating on Janet:



1. She’s a Jackson.

Janet is the youngest child of 9, not including Joe’s bastard child. But she’s SOMEWHAT part of the family, so I guess we here at the Rhythmless headquarters can support her. She even has her own blog. But anyway, you hate Janet because she’s a Jackson. She is the youngest member of the greatest entertaining family of all time, and the most successful family in music, and music royalty. She’s part of a dynasty that many of your favorite artists strive to emulate, but sadly fail miserably. At one point, every member of the Jackson family was successful. Yes, even LaToya. I know it pains you that your faves can’t be part of the Jackson family, but that’s the way love goes. It’s human nature. Keep trying; the Osmonds couldn’t stop the Jacksons. The Knowles can’t do it. The Debarge’s tried it by marrying one of the loose cannons. Keep dreaming, I know it hurts, but you’ll get over it.



2. She’s a flop.

For quite some time, it has been reported that Janet has sold over 100 million records worldwide. For a solo artist, that’s quite impressive. And to think she didn’t have to piggy back and use a group’s sales figures with her own solo sales to make her sales APPEAR more impressive. There are only a few artists who have sold over 100 million records. Others are just jealous because they know their faves can barely sell their image, let alone an album. Most haters anti-Janet fans like to hate on Janet by using her “flop” albums to define her career. They always talk about the sales Damita Jo, 20 Y.O., Discipline, Janet Jackson, and Dream Street. However they will never talk about those 6 albums between Control and All For You that sold in the excess of 90 million records. I mean, is there really a reason to be concerned about the charts considering this, this, and this? In addition to Billboard calling Janet Chart Royalty. I guess it sucks to be Janet.



3. She’s irrelevant.

What’s a Janet Jackson?







Janet Jackson has become so irrelevant that we here at the Rhythmless head quarters often have to Google her to remember who she is. Somewhere in between Super Bowl 2004 and June 25, 2009, Janet Jackson sunk deeper and deeper into the sea of irrelevance. Ironically, it appears that the kids of the new millennium seem to be incapable of creativity and innovation, and are forced to swagger jack her moves, videos, choreography, etc. I’ve been YouTube and seen such fuckery as this, this, and this. The kids can’t help but to bring her down to their levels to compare. But if we must:







Now I’m no optometrist, but the viewing the video confirms our theory of irrelevance. There’s a lack of originally in today’s music artists. So what’s the best option? Swagger jack the irrelevant artists from yesteryear. In August 2009, it only took two hours for these photos to make it across the web at 2 am in the morning. Who else can send the entertainment world up in a frenzy at that hour? Only the irrelevant artists. August and September was also a very trying time for Janet. I mean, no one knew she was going to perform at the VMAs until someone leaked the info that Janet was opening the show. By Tuesday, everyone had taken the back seat to Janet’s tribute performance. I mean, Sway even had to leave the barber shop from getting his Kunta Kinte dred locks done to do a promo for Janet performance after the news leaked...

MTV Shows

And do we even need to address this irrelevance?



Let’s not, and say we did.



4. She’s fat.

Janet has always been the size of the Goodyear Blimp, but as of late she’s been giving Kate Moss a run for her money. I mean, wouldn’t you be upset if your abs looked like over-cooked dinner rolls?



I know I would. What a waste of time and energy to remain the ideal 5’5 120 pounds for 20+ years? I know I wouldn’t. Because I know I like to make nightly visit to Mr. Edy’s, and me and Ms. Betty Crocker have become the best of friends at late night hours. In the past 6 or 7 years of life, I’ve gone from a size 28, to a size 30, and back down to a size 28. My weight goes up and down like Cassie at a Bad Boys board meeting. Janet, at 40, was probably at her worst:



Notice the gut, the double chin, and the thunder thighs? She resembles the Michelin Tire Man if you ask me:



Hopefully Janet will push away from the buffet table, and pick up a membership card at Bally’s.



5. You’re ugly.

I know ugly is such a harsh word. So we’ll say, you’re…aesthetically unpleasing to the blind. Studies have shown that unattractive women are more prone to hating on pretty women, than attractive women hating on unattractive women. It is very common to find people whose faces look like plastic surgery gone wrong hating on others like Janet. Attractive women have better things to do with their time, such as being pretty, stealing other people’s man, and making unattractive women jealous of their good looks. The ugliness not only implies physical features, but personality as well. You being ugly is also applicable to your unnecessary hate. Kicking Janet while she's down is also an example of being ugly. Trying to discredit her contributions to the industry, and what she has done with her career is another example of ugliness. And we here at the Rhythmless headquarters will not stand for it, for we are a nation with rhythmic boundaries. We will come to your house and slice your face open. Is it Janet's fault that you don't even have a face for radio? Could it be that you have a face that even God would be embarrassed of? Don't blame Janet for your severe aesthetic deficiencies.



6. She’s old.

This doesn't have much to do with age or looks, but it's clear Janet looks a youthful 86:

You sit and wonder, will my favorite artist be around in 36 years like Janet? Hell, some artists today are struggling to stay relevant. Someone in the peak of their career shouldn't be doing reality shows. You can only use VH1 as a means to come out of retirement so many times before it gets old. [plays Flavor of Love]. Well living in America, it appears that any person over the age of 40 is old. This is includes Janet, Whitney, Mariah, Beyoncé, Halle Berry, Minnie Mouse, etc. At 43, Janet is still giving the girls a run for their money. While girls nearly half Janet’s age are doing this, Janet is doing this. I know it pains the haters that Janet can still snatch their faves’ wigs, but who is to blame? Janet is like a freight train, the other flops are like Thomas The Tank Engine…while some are The Little Engine That Could. Janet can still put on a show. While some artists are still touring at family reunions and church picnics, Janet has sold out is selling out arenas and stadiums around the world. There’s no fashion gets up, no falling down stairs, no army of dancers, acrobats, or Cirque Du Soleil stunts happening on stage. I see why you’re mad.



7. She be shit’n on you hoe.





How does Janet shit on thee? Let us count the ways:

1. Chart success 

2. Record sales

3. Tours

4. Records set/broken

5. Videos

6. Blood type

7. Awards

8. Albums

9. Being a Jackson

10. Lacefronts/weaves/makeup



This is just a chip off the old block. How Janet shits on thee is endless. But because Hawthorne is about to come on, I’ll cut it short. Just know that Janet be shit’n on you hoe. [insert ghetto dance here]





8. She wines and dines with Aretha.

No, this isn’t about food. Although Janet is good friends with Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, and her neighbor Ms. Betty Crocker. It’s about respect she commands from an audience of her peers, or the generation that is stealing from her.










When Janet walks into a room, everyone stands and shows nothing but respect. There are only a few women who have such stage presence. Ciara is not one of them. She is respected by legends, icons, superstars, child custody social workers, and even the fat lady at the DMV who has no business wearing tight pants with thighs bigger than Kanye's ego. When Janet walks into a room, you stand, you bow, and wash her feet.


9. You stan for a flop.

Now I don’t mean this harshly or literally, but I’m pretty sure if you’re hating on Janet, talking about her flop albums or her lack of chart success (as of late), I’m fairly confident in my assumption of you stanning for a flop. Don’t be upset with Janet because your fave’s best selling album has only been certified double cardboard, and the singles were bubbling under the Hot 100 waiting list. Being bitter about your fave being the best selling flop, or struggling to get nominated for a Source Award does not give you the permission to hate on Janet. Once you accept Janet into your heart as your musical Lord and Savior, you will walk in the valley and fear no evil.



10. You stan for another artist.

I've noticed stans of other arists like to project their faves short-comings on Janet. The Mariah fans like to talk about Janet not selling. But Mariah is the same person who did this:



I mean, what's worse?

Beyonce stans like to hate on Janet for a multitude of reasons. Why? I don't know. Are you really free to hate on others when your favorite artist is being sued every year for song she CLAIMS she wrote, can't keep her balance on stage, and swagger jacks everyone from Janet to Captain Planet? Let's be real with yourselves, so we can be real with you. Madonna fans, well, she's Madonna. They have room to hate. But being jealous of Janet's youthful looks, her black child, and superior stage performance is rather trivial in my eyes. But as stated, I'm not an optometrist. I'm not sure if people are upset that Janet has never give the paparazzi a shot of her cooch, been passed out drunk in her friend's car, or pulled a hit in run. Whatever the case, Janet has never acted a fool in public.



So while you're pounding your keyboard spewing your hate about Janet, think about this post. Don't blame Janet. Blame yourself.