Snatched & Split

Snatched and Split

NEW YORK, September 15 /PRNewswire/ --

It was all cheers and tears at the 2009 Video Music Awards at New York City’s Radio City Music Hall. The show opened up with a speech from the Queen of Pop herself Madonna. After her touching tribute, the first performance exploded which featured Michael Jackson classics “Thriller”, “Bad”, and “Smooth Criminal”. One final song featured his legendary sister Janet Jackson, who had worked with Michael previously on 1995’s “Scream”. And it was then when attendees say things, got ugly.

Janet literally crashed onto stage behind a glass panel during the final number to “Scream.” From that moment attendees claim that there was an immeasurable amount of wigs that were snatched. “I was cheering for Janet when I saw a few wigs fly all around the stage,” says pop star P!nk. Ms. Jackson powered her way through her verse of the classic song, at which mildly talented artists including Katy Perry, Lil Mama, and Drake stated to be experiencing shortness of breath, as well as dizziness. Witnesses say by the time Janet reached the infamous breakdown, wigs were being snatched faster than barbecue ribs at the Tom Joyner Family Reunion. As Ms. Jackson concluded her performance, she gave one last, what young Negro children call, “mean mug.” “Janet looked like she was ready to choke a bitch” says talented artist Solange Knowles via Twitter. 

Many thought they had been through enough until Hurricane Beysus assaulted the audience opening with the hit single “Sweet Dreams,” and into the iconic “Single Ladies.” Queen Beysus arose like the phoenix from the rear of the stage dressed in the now popular leotard. Audience members say it was at that point Beyoncé was shitting on hoes. As she walked to the front of the stage, more wigs were being snatched. “I don’t think the girls used the right glue” says home wrecker Alicia Keys. As if Janet’s performance hadn’t snatched bitches bald, Beyoncé added insult to injury by dragging skulls to the white meat. “It was a mess,” says attention whore Lady Gaga. “Skulls were sliding all up and down the aisles and stage. It was like watching Mariah sing live.” By the second set of “now wait!” during “Single Ladies,” wigs were being snatched at wind speeds topping 140 mph.

A spokesperson from MTV said quote, “We underestimated the power of Ms. Jackson and Queen Beysus. We were unaware they would wreck our stage as they did. The clean-up crew will have to work overtime to salvage whatever parts of the stage they can. As for the victims of the wig snatching, they are in critical condition. The worst injuries came during Beyonce’s win for Video of the Year at which victims began suffering from severe head trauma and heart complications.”

The US Surgeon General claims the reason behind the mass wig snatching can be attributed to the lack of talent from today’s music artists. “There a hemisphere of the brain that lies just above the cerebellum that is dedicated to talent. This includes singing, dancing, performing, acting, and a special ability to end another artists’ career” says the Surgeon General. Victims of the heinous act are said to be in critical condition suffering from whiplash, bald headedness, and lack of vocal ability.

When questioned why Janet and Beyoncé chose to snatch wigs, Beyoncé gave a stank looking saying, “I be shit'n on you hoe”. Janet stated off the record that she had no intention to wreck the stage as she did. However she is offering to help pay for the replacement of the wigs, but not the stage. “A bitch got bills” she said. Civil Rights activist Tina Knowles was quoted saying, “these other girls need to step their game up. You know it’s hard out here for a pimp.” She went on to say, “I also noticed Ms. Jackson was wearing a European lacefront, and I was wondering if she would be interested in being the spokesperson for our new Deréon winter line of lacefronts.” Sally’s Beauty Supply could not be reached for comment. 

Janet and Beyoncé both agree that with people like Rihanna and Britney Spears getting recording contracts, the industry is fucked.

SOURCE: The Rhythmless Tribune

Now in other news...we have good news! First let me start off by congratulating Beyoncé for collecting her 6^th consecutive Top 40 hit with “Sweet Dreams”. [cranks the tootsie roll] She also ties the record with Janet and Madonna for most #1 Dance hits from one album. The Cadillac Records soundtrack to date has spent a total of 27 non-consecutive weeks at #1 on the Billboard Blues Chart, and 37 weeks in the Top 10 which you can read about here. And we can’t forget her display of sheer class at the VMAs when she allowed Taylor Swift to give her acceptance speech, after the first attempt had been interrupted by who President Obama calls a “jackass.” Lastly, we have to congratulate Beyoncé for getting her own book in the Bible. It will be under the "New Queen Creole Version" which you can pick up from the Wig Crypt Bookstore. No Cash on Delivery. However, EBT, WIC, and unreleased Sasha Fierce tracks are all acceptable forms of payment.

 Also, we have to congratulate Whitney Houston for her comeback album debuting at #1, with sells in the excess of 300,000 copies. The same goes for Trey Songz debuting at #3 with 130,000+. Both albums getting stellar reviews. Alicia Keys, Mike Tyson Chris Brown, Lil Mama, Mary J. Blige, and Michael Jackson all have new music coming out this fall. So be on the lookout for that as well. Keep Bow Wow in your prayers in hopes that he gets another record deal. The last thing we need is another black midget on "Where Are They Now". Gary Coleman refuses to share his spotlight.

Now on to bigger news…

Janet, has landed.

Janet is back with a new song entitled “Make Me.”

Now to maintain my sanity, I have only played the song close to 300 times since I downloaded it on Sunday night. It was given as a “gift” to the fans shortly after Janet’s VMA performance. Rumor has it, that this is the lead single from Janet’s upcoming greatest hits titled #1s, which will feature 30 of Janet’s biggest global hits. 30 is a small number, considering she has a career total of 41 #1 Billboard singles. The song is doing rather well, as it received nearly 50 spins at radio the following day (Monday), keep in mind the song hasn’t even been released to radio. This JUST might be the song to bring Janet back. I remember when Janet said she was worth the wait. You can read a few reviews of the song here, here, and here.

PS, if you haven't purchased Jay-Z, Whitney Houston, or Trey Songz new albums, please do so. Support our black artists.

Live From The Red Carpet

Good day.

 

Another day, another post, another missed 8-count in the world of rhythmless dancers. With award season among us, I had the chance to be an anchor during an award show. Christ-ina Aguilerus of Nazareth was one of my correspondents. I know many of you missed the show because you were out purchasing copies of Whitney’s new album, or were back in the day, or on your way. Whatever the case, I’m sure you missed the show. Anyway, I have the transcripts of the entire show, and I’ve decided to share them with you children.

 

E! News Anchor: Good evening everyone and welcome to award show season. We are broadcasting live on the red carpet, well near the red carpet [laughs]. We are here to bring you the latest in fashion, fashion train wrecks, and the like. We would have had Joan Rivers here with us, but she is still putting on her face. So we have here today The Voice of Our Generation, Christ-ina Aguilerus of Nazareth. How are you doing this evening?

 

Christina: I’m doing fine. I‘m out here live on the red carpet going to do interviews with all the wanna be legends and half-talent artists the music industry has produced.

E! News Anchor: [laughs] Well isn’t that grand. By the way Legendtina, what are you wearing?

Christina: Oh this is a hand-stitched Versace gown Donatella gave to me. I can tell you Rihanna couldn’t afford it if she sucked off her producers for the next two weeks. [laughs] Oh and speaking of Rihanna, here she is now. Hello Rihanna how are you?

Rihanna:  Hello Legendtina, I’m doing fine. How are you?

Christina: I’m doing fine. So how is your face?

Rihanna: Eh, eh, eh. I’m still recovering.

Christina: Oh well that’s good. What are you doing here? This award show is based on talent.

Rihanna: Well, my manager thinks that this is a great opportunity to turn the red carpet into a runway and take pictures. That’s all I’m good for these days.

Christina: Yes, this is clear. So you now have a restraining order against Mike Tyson Chris Brown correct?

Rihanna: Yes, it’s a court order yes.

Christina: I bet you’re happy about that. [they both laugh]. I think stages and microphones need to place a restraining order against you as well. [laughs]

Rihanna: Umm, okay.

Christina: So you have a new album coming out correct? Are you going to be involved in the song writing?

Rihanna: Not this time. I just sing. I don't have any creative control over my career. I'm just told what to do.

Christina: Well isn't that a shame. Thank you for the interview Rihanna and I’ll see you inside. [smiles]

E! News Anchor: Legendtina, what was she wearing again?

Christina: Oh I don’t think anyone cares. I call it Caveman Couture [they laugh] Oh and speaking of ancient here comes Madonna. [they hug] Madonna, it’s so nice to see you here without your walker.

Madonna: Haha yes I know.

Christina: Oh and how nice of you to bring the kids from the Feed the Children infomercials. Are you still stealing them from African mothers to get street cred so the urban community would your latest flop album?

Madonna: Yes, I was taking the Mariah route and using the black audience to sell records.

Christina: well isn’t that sweet. Are you still charging by the organ for tickets to your show?

Madonna: Actually Legendtina, we’ve upped the ante and are now charging by the birth certificate.

Christina: I don’t understand.

Madonna: For my children.

Christina: Oh yes the children you smuggled illegally into the United States. Well if that isn’t a mother’s love I don’t know what is.

Madonna: Yeah so see, you understand [she laughs]

Christina: Yes [giggles] However, I had my child naturally. I know your birth canal is worn out, and the fetus might fall out of the sac if you move too fast. [laughs]

[they laugh and Madonna walks off] 

Christina: Oh and speaking of children we have Mariah Carey. Hello Mariah, how are things going these days?

Mariah: hello dahling, I’m fabulous. It’s a fabulous occasion.

Christina: Yes it is. That’s a nice dress you’re wearing. Where did you get it…Baby Gap?

Mariah: Oh no dahling they didn’t have my size, so I had to go to Babies R’ Us.[giggles] You like the ensemble?

Christina: Well isn’t that lovely. So does your album finally have a release date? I heard it got pushed back to 1932.

Mariah: [laughs] Legendtina, well we’re still working on getting a release date. We’re going to try one more single as well.

Christina: Oh the Ciara method. Nice. Oh and I see you brought your publicist with you this evening.

Mariah: No this is my husband Nick Cannon.

Christina: Who?

Mariah: The guy from Wildin’ Out?

Christina: Umm…

Mariah: The guy who shops at the same place as Max.

Christina: Ooh him. I’ve always wondered why there’s nothing in Max’s size. So Kevin, I mean Nick sorry, how does it  feel to be freeloading off someone who is more successful that you?

Nick: Umm, it’s rather nice. I don’t have to do much but walk around with a false sense of accomplishment. Promote my wife’s album, remind America how many #1 singles she has, and the like. It’s a relatively easy job.

Christina: that’s great. So Mariah, you’re performing tonight. Will you actually be singing live?

Mariah: I don’t think so. The last time I sung live, was, well when I could actually still sing.

Christina: 1999?

Mariah: probably the year before that. My career hasn’t been the same since I sung with Whitney at the Oscars.

Christina: Well she is better than you. Anyway, thank you for the interview and I’ll see you on stage.

E! News Reporter: Legendtina, how are you hanging out there?

Christina: I'm doing just fine out here. There's a lot of people coming and I think I see Lady Gaga.

[Lady Gaga walks over]

Christina: hello sir, how are you?

Gaga: I'm doing great. Just great to be here. 

Christina: yes, I know this is your first time at an award show. You need a hit album to attend.

Gaga: I see. Legendtina, when was your last hit album?

Christina: It was just before your nose job. 

Gaga: the first or second one?

Christina: the second. The first was during your sex change. 

Gaga: oh how could I forget.

Christina: indeed. So, Gaga, you're performing tonight.

Gaga: yes I am. I will be wearing the leotard.

Christina: great. Don't forget to tuck in your dick. 

Gaga: I will try. Last time it almost slipped out. [laughs]

Christina: well sir, you enjoy yourself tonight okay?

Gaga: will do Legendtina. 

E! News Reporter: Legendtina, it looks like all the stars are out tonight. 

Christina: Oh yes the celebs are out tonight. And oh my goodness is that a piñata?

E! News Reporter: A piñata?

Christina: Yes it looks like a piñata coming towards me…oh no wait, it’s just Beyoncé. Her mother must be dressing her again.

[Beyoncé walks over]

Christina: hello Bianca, how are you doing this evening?

Beyoncé: I’m doing fine Legendtina, how are you?

Christina: Better than you. So what brings you here today? This isn’t an auction, it’s an awards show.

Beyoncé: I’m here hoping to win an award, maybe two. [she laughs]

Christina: Did your father remember to pay off the committee?

Beyoncé: Yes I believe so.

Christina: I guess that explains all your Grammy awards huh? [she laughs]

Beyoncé: Umm, you could say that. Speaking of Grammys, Legendtina when was the last time you won one?

Christina: I think it was around the time as your last original idea.

Beyoncé: I don’t remember your last Grammy performance again. When was it again?

Christina: Oh remember when we both performed and I drug your performance in the mud, gave the performance of the night, and then you blamed me upstaging you on having the stomach flu?

Beyoncé: Oh 2007.

Christina: yes, yes 2007, the year your father was exploiting you for his own selfish gain. Or as you called it, The Beyoncé Experience.

Beyoncé: Well I love to sing and perform. So I can’t blame him.

Christina: I can see. And since you mentioned singing, I was ranked as Rolling Stone’s 58^th greatest singer of all time. What number were you again?

Beyoncé: I don’t think I made the list.

Christina: Well isn’t that a shame. And I see your mother is here as well. Tina how are you this evening?

Tina: I’m doing fine Christina Aguilerus of Nazareth.

Christina: that’s good to hear. Is your tacky clothing line still benefiting from child labor?

Tina: umm, yes I believe so. We’ve moved headquarters to Taiwan and have a separate location in Honduras.

Christina: Well that’s good to hear. And what fashion school did you graduate from again?

Tina: F.I.T.

Christina: Girl, stop fooling yourself. I’ve seen crack whores with a better fashion sense than you. Oh and I see your pimp is here. Matthew Knowles are you doing?

Matthew: I’m doing fine. Does Max need a manager?

Christina: No. My son isn’t even 3 years-old yet.

Matthew: Well you need to start them early. [laughs] Baby Gap is looking for models. Why do you think I had Solange have a child so soon?

Christina: Umm, you all have a nice time inside. [smiles nervously]

E! News Anchor: Wow Legendtina, Matthew was rather aggressive.

Christina: I know. Who allowed him to have children? And speaking of unfit parents, here is Ms. Britney Spears. Britney, long time no see. How are you?

Britney: I’m doing fine Christ-ina.

Christina: That’s good. Did you remember to keep your legs closed when you were getting out of the car this time?

Britney: yes I did.

Christina: Did you drop any of your children on the sidewalk?

Britney: no I put them in the stroller.

Christina: That’s good. I don’t see Child Protective Services in the area. Did you get full custody?

Britney: Yes I did. We pulled a few strings and I got them.

Christina: I guess money does talk.

Britney: So, Christina I haven’t seen you since you’ve been living in my shadow.

Christina: Oh I’m not in your shadow. I’m actually taken seriously as an artist. Remember, I’m the one that actually had talent.

Britney: Oh that’s right. I’m sorry. The only thing I can do is sell albums.

Christina: Well when you don’t have talent what else is there to do? Oh Britney it was great seeing you. I’ll see you inside.

E! News Anchor: Legendtina, we just received word that Janet Jackson is on the red carpet. Can you get an interview with her?

Christina: Actually she’s right here with me now. Ladies, gentlemen…Ciara, we have Ms. Janet Jackson.

Janet: [shy voice] Hello everyone.

Christina: Ms. Jackson, because I’m nasty [laughs], how are you tonight?

Janet: I’m doing fine thank you.

Christina: Where is your little pet that you carry around?

Janet: Jermaine and I broke up.

Christina: I’m so sorry to hear that.

Janet: It’s okay. We just weren’t able to see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. So I felt it was best to part ways.

Christina: Well I wish you the best of luck.

Janet: Thank you Legendtina.

E! News Anchor: Legendtina, we’re going to take a quick commercial break and we will be right back.

 

 

 

She Saved All Her Love For Me

Well it’s been a while since the last entry in The Nation, I’ve been busy. Get over it. No real Janet news as of late, but I’ll try to keep you abreast.

Anyway, “The Voice” is back with a new album that is currently in stores today entitled I Look To You, so if haven’t picked up a copy, please do so. I’ve listen to the entire album and I admit that it is a solid effort considering the circumstances. I would be lying to you if I told you her voice was in good shape. Nonetheless, her voice is listenable, and it has improved from what it was last year. It is a bit stronger, and she can carry a tune better. If only she would get with a vocal coach and improve on what voice she has now. However, All Music Guide put it best: 

“…Whitney can still sing, knowing when to wring emotion out of a phrase, knowing when not to push for the glory notes that she can no longer hit.”

If her voice was a bit stronger and clearer, I feel as though the songs would have been more pleasant to my ears. There are some classic Whitney moments on the album i.e. her signature belts, emotions, some here and there runs, the crystalline singing voice, among other things. So as stated, I listened to the album, and enjoyed at least half of the tracks, which is a good thing. Of course I enjoyed the opening track, the title track, and a few others, but it is a good album. I was almost tempted to go out and purchase it. However, Janet implants a microscopic chip just behind your cerebellum that only allows you to purchase albums by artists with the last name Jackson. 

So as you know I like to visit the boards and see what’s going on with all of my favorite artists. The kids on Janet-Xone and Beyoncé World seem to be enjoying the album. It’s the same story with Christina and a few others. [sighs] But like always there are people who like to hate, just for the sake of hating. The kids are out of their straight jackets and the tasers didn’t come with Energizer batteries. Not only are they trashing the album, but taking shots at Whitney and her career. I see it mainly from the Mariah fans. I’m not sure if this is a continuation of the long-time rivalry between the two singers, but I see it a lot. I don’t see how they can talk about Whitney when Mariah has dumbed down her talents for a hit, her voice is shattered beyond repair, and her album has been pushed back to Ancient Rome. I think Mariah even knows her place is below Godney Allahzabeth Christon: 

 Now, I think the Whitney fans are aware of the obvious…Whitney did drugs, her voice isn’t the same, her album will not sell millions. That’s common sense. Whatever. However, you have to give her credit for her dedication to music, and to her fans. She could have retired to a beach as she had planned. She could have not made another album until God came knocking on her door. She chose to take the high road. She got rid of the little gremlin, she got through all 12 steps of her recovery program, and she got her life back on track. She even went shopping at the local flea market a got her and little Bobby Christina a pair of matching leopard print knee high snow boots for the winter. 

If people would set aside their hate, and actually listen to the album, they just might enjoy it. I’ve heard someone goes as far as saying “she needs to give it up.” Why should she have to give up? So what if it doesn’t sell millions. She’s already sold over 130 million albums. No one told Aretha Franklin to stop making albums because they weren’t selling. Has it occurred that she’s doing this because she loves music, and her fans? So what if her voice isn’t the same. She’s still the greatest female singer to walk this earth. So what if she didn’t write the songs. Whitney didn’t sign up to be a songwriter. She said she wanted to sing. And that is what she does. And just because you write your music, that doesn’t mean it’s good:

My main point is, you have to give credit where credit is due. The woman is trying, and that’s all that matters. 

Whitney Houston, well I can’t understand the hate. She deserves the utmost respect. This woman has sold an impressive 170 million records. She has 11 #1 singles and 23 top ten hits. She is the most awarded woman in history according to Guinness. She has undeniably set the standard for singing since her debut. She has sung on stages in South Africa, England, Russia, and many other places around the world. “I Will Always Love You” puts an ass whoppin’ on many artists’ catalogues in terms of popularity. This woman has put in her work. She has her life back on track. And we all know America likes come backs and success stories. And I have proof of that.  

Where ever she appears, she will get a standing ovation



She will still have her awards



She will always be “The Voice”



She will forever be Whitney “The Voice” Houston