Good day.
Another day, another post, another missed 8-count in the world of rhythmless dancers. With award season among us, I had the chance to be an anchor during an award show. Christ-ina Aguilerus of Nazareth was one of my correspondents. I know many of you missed the show because you were out purchasing copies of Whitney’s new album, or were back in the day, or on your way. Whatever the case, I’m sure you missed the show. Anyway, I have the transcripts of the entire show, and I’ve decided to share them with you children.
E! News Anchor: Good evening everyone and welcome to award show season. We are broadcasting live on the red carpet, well near the red carpet [laughs]. We are here to bring you the latest in fashion, fashion train wrecks, and the like. We would have had Joan Rivers here with us, but she is still putting on her face. So we have here today The Voice of Our Generation, Christ-ina Aguilerus of Nazareth. How are you doing this evening?
Christina: I’m doing fine. I‘m out here live on the red carpet going to do interviews with all the wanna be legends and half-talent artists the music industry has produced.
E! News Anchor: [laughs] Well isn’t that grand. By the way Legendtina, what are you wearing?
Christina: Oh this is a hand-stitched Versace gown Donatella gave to me. I can tell you Rihanna couldn’t afford it if she sucked off her producers for the next two weeks. [laughs] Oh and speaking of Rihanna, here she is now. Hello Rihanna how are you?
Rihanna: Hello Legendtina, I’m doing fine. How are you?
Christina: I’m doing fine. So how is your face?
Rihanna: Eh, eh, eh. I’m still recovering.
Christina: Oh well that’s good. What are you doing here? This award show is based on talent.
Rihanna: Well, my manager thinks that this is a great opportunity to turn the red carpet into a runway and take pictures. That’s all I’m good for these days.
Christina: Yes, this is clear. So you now have a restraining order against Mike Tyson Chris Brown correct?
Rihanna: Yes, it’s a court order yes.
Christina: I bet you’re happy about that. [they both laugh]. I think stages and microphones need to place a restraining order against you as well. [laughs]
Rihanna: Umm, okay.
Christina: So you have a new album coming out correct? Are you going to be involved in the song writing?
Rihanna: Not this time. I just sing. I don't have any creative control over my career. I'm just told what to do.
Christina: Well isn't that a shame. Thank you for the interview Rihanna and I’ll see you inside. [smiles]
E! News Anchor: Legendtina, what was she wearing again?
Christina: Oh I don’t think anyone cares. I call it Caveman Couture [they laugh] Oh and speaking of ancient here comes Madonna. [they hug] Madonna, it’s so nice to see you here without your walker.
Madonna: Haha yes I know.
Christina: Oh and how nice of you to bring the kids from the Feed the Children infomercials. Are you still stealing them from African mothers to get street cred so the urban community would your latest flop album?
Madonna: Yes, I was taking the Mariah route and using the black audience to sell records.
Christina: well isn’t that sweet. Are you still charging by the organ for tickets to your show?
Madonna: Actually Legendtina, we’ve upped the ante and are now charging by the birth certificate.
Christina: I don’t understand.
Madonna: For my children.
Christina: Oh yes the children you smuggled illegally into the United States. Well if that isn’t a mother’s love I don’t know what is.
Madonna: Yeah so see, you understand [she laughs]
Christina: Yes [giggles] However, I had my child naturally. I know your birth canal is worn out, and the fetus might fall out of the sac if you move too fast. [laughs]
[they laugh and Madonna walks off]
Christina: Oh and speaking of children we have Mariah Carey. Hello Mariah, how are things going these days?
Mariah: hello dahling, I’m fabulous. It’s a fabulous occasion.
Christina: Yes it is. That’s a nice dress you’re wearing. Where did you get it…Baby Gap?
Mariah: Oh no dahling they didn’t have my size, so I had to go to Babies R’ Us.[giggles] You like the ensemble?
Christina: Well isn’t that lovely. So does your album finally have a release date? I heard it got pushed back to 1932.
Mariah: [laughs] Legendtina, well we’re still working on getting a release date. We’re going to try one more single as well.
Christina: Oh the Ciara method. Nice. Oh and I see you brought your publicist with you this evening.
Mariah: No this is my husband Nick Cannon.
Christina: Who?
Mariah: The guy from Wildin’ Out?
Christina: Umm…
Mariah: The guy who shops at the same place as Max.
Christina: Ooh him. I’ve always wondered why there’s nothing in Max’s size. So Kevin, I mean Nick sorry, how does it feel to be freeloading off someone who is more successful that you?
Nick: Umm, it’s rather nice. I don’t have to do much but walk around with a false sense of accomplishment. Promote my wife’s album, remind America how many #1 singles she has, and the like. It’s a relatively easy job.
Christina: that’s great. So Mariah, you’re performing tonight. Will you actually be singing live?
Mariah: I don’t think so. The last time I sung live, was, well when I could actually still sing.
Christina: 1999?
Mariah: probably the year before that. My career hasn’t been the same since I sung with Whitney at the Oscars.
Christina: Well she is better than you. Anyway, thank you for the interview and I’ll see you on stage.
E! News Reporter: Legendtina, how are you hanging out there?
Christina: I'm doing just fine out here. There's a lot of people coming and I think I see Lady Gaga.
[Lady Gaga walks over]
Christina: hello sir, how are you?
Gaga: I'm doing great. Just great to be here.
Christina: yes, I know this is your first time at an award show. You need a hit album to attend.
Gaga: I see. Legendtina, when was your last hit album?
Christina: It was just before your nose job.
Gaga: the first or second one?
Christina: the second. The first was during your sex change.
Gaga: oh how could I forget.
Christina: indeed. So, Gaga, you're performing tonight.
Gaga: yes I am. I will be wearing the leotard.
Christina: great. Don't forget to tuck in your dick.
Gaga: I will try. Last time it almost slipped out. [laughs]
Christina: well sir, you enjoy yourself tonight okay?
Gaga: will do Legendtina.
E! News Reporter: Legendtina, it looks like all the stars are out tonight.
Christina: Oh yes the celebs are out tonight. And oh my goodness is that a piñata?
E! News Reporter: A piñata?
Christina: Yes it looks like a piñata coming towards me…oh no wait, it’s just Beyoncé. Her mother must be dressing her again.
[Beyoncé walks over]
Christina: hello Bianca, how are you doing this evening?
Beyoncé: I’m doing fine Legendtina, how are you?
Christina: Better than you. So what brings you here today? This isn’t an auction, it’s an awards show.
Beyoncé: I’m here hoping to win an award, maybe two. [she laughs]
Christina: Did your father remember to pay off the committee?
Beyoncé: Yes I believe so.
Christina: I guess that explains all your Grammy awards huh? [she laughs]
Beyoncé: Umm, you could say that. Speaking of Grammys, Legendtina when was the last time you won one?
Christina: I think it was around the time as your last original idea.
Beyoncé: I don’t remember your last Grammy performance again. When was it again?
Christina: Oh remember when we both performed and I drug your performance in the mud, gave the performance of the night, and then you blamed me upstaging you on having the stomach flu?
Beyoncé: Oh 2007.
Christina: yes, yes 2007, the year your father was exploiting you for his own selfish gain. Or as you called it, The Beyoncé Experience.
Beyoncé: Well I love to sing and perform. So I can’t blame him.
Christina: I can see. And since you mentioned singing, I was ranked as Rolling Stone’s 58th greatest singer of all time. What number were you again?
Beyoncé: I don’t think I made the list.
Christina: Well isn’t that a shame. And I see your mother is here as well. Tina how are you this evening?
Tina: I’m doing fine Christina Aguilerus of Nazareth.
Christina: that’s good to hear. Is your tacky clothing line still benefiting from child labor?
Tina: umm, yes I believe so. We’ve moved headquarters to Taiwan and have a separate location in Honduras.
Christina: Well that’s good to hear. And what fashion school did you graduate from again?
Tina: F.I.T.
Christina: Girl, stop fooling yourself. I’ve seen crack whores with a better fashion sense than you. Oh and I see your pimp is here. Matthew Knowles are you doing?
Matthew: I’m doing fine. Does Max need a manager?
Christina: No. My son isn’t even 3 years-old yet.
Matthew: Well you need to start them early. [laughs] Baby Gap is looking for models. Why do you think I had Solange have a child so soon?
Christina: Umm, you all have a nice time inside. [smiles nervously]
E! News Anchor: Wow Legendtina, Matthew was rather aggressive.
Christina: I know. Who allowed him to have children? And speaking of unfit parents, here is Ms. Britney Spears. Britney, long time no see. How are you?
Britney: I’m doing fine Christ-ina.
Christina: That’s good. Did you remember to keep your legs closed when you were getting out of the car this time?
Britney: yes I did.
Christina: Did you drop any of your children on the sidewalk?
Britney: no I put them in the stroller.
Christina: That’s good. I don’t see Child Protective Services in the area. Did you get full custody?
Britney: Yes I did. We pulled a few strings and I got them.
Christina: I guess money does talk.
Britney: So, Christina I haven’t seen you since you’ve been living in my shadow.
Christina: Oh I’m not in your shadow. I’m actually taken seriously as an artist. Remember, I’m the one that actually had talent.
Britney: Oh that’s right. I’m sorry. The only thing I can do is sell albums.
Christina: Well when you don’t have talent what else is there to do? Oh Britney it was great seeing you. I’ll see you inside.
E! News Anchor: Legendtina, we just received word that Janet Jackson is on the red carpet. Can you get an interview with her?
Christina: Actually she’s right here with me now. Ladies, gentlemen…Ciara, we have Ms. Janet Jackson.
Janet: [shy voice] Hello everyone.
Christina: Ms. Jackson, because I’m nasty [laughs], how are you tonight?
Janet: I’m doing fine thank you.
Christina: Where is your little pet that you carry around?
Janet: Jermaine and I broke up.
Christina: I’m so sorry to hear that.
Janet: It’s okay. We just weren’t able to see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. So I felt it was best to part ways.
Christina: Well I wish you the best of luck.
Janet: Thank you Legendtina.
E! News Anchor: Legendtina, we’re going to take a quick commercial break and we will be right back.
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