The Rhythmless Nation

In 1989, a young nappy headed trollop named Janet Jackson sought out to deal with a trouble world in a positive way. With her two ace boon coons Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, she created Rhythm Nation 1814. She called for an end to color lines and to unify as one. Successfully, she accomplished her goal. Sadly, those who unified still exhibited lines that differentiated the unification. There’s someone who wants to be the head hoe on the corner. There’s a struggling hoe trying to make his/her way up the totem pole. And then there’s the charity hoe, the one struggling for “business”, so everyone “chips in” to help the charity hoe.

In the past couple of months, I’ve sat and watched Janet stans turn fandom into a cult. What went from being in a fan community became being a member of Heaven’s Gate. My sanity inhibits my ability comment on this silliness, but even if I could, I would not go there. But for the sake of time, I’ll play along with the malarkey. In the past couple of months I’ve watched different blogs try to categorize Janet stans into a box, and generalize. As we’ve learned some time ago, generalizing can be detrimental. So we won’t go there. Instead, categorizing Janet’s stans and explaining common characteristics of each group is more befitting than overall generalizing.

The Utopia Stans

Somewhere over the rainbow the Utopia stans reside. These stans can often be confused with having been drug induced with LSD/Angel Dust because in their world, Janet is the creator of everything existing. Jimmy and Terry co-wrote ALL the holy books with Janet. Socrates based his philosophical ideas off the Rhythm Nation 1814 album, Aphrodite is seen as a rip off of janet. album Janet, and Control is the template for Western thought. In this world, unicorns and mermaids populate the land. Janet can do no wrong. Having 3 singles released and later calling them “buzz singles” and 2 of which failing to make the Hot 100 bubbling is “epic”. Negativity does not exist in these mythical lands of perfection. It is best to just leave them be, and let them live. 

The Disciple Stans

These are some of the best stans in the stan community. These are the carefree stans. They could care less about album sales, charting singles, promotion etc. They just enjoy the music and don’t let simple speed bumps effect their enjoyment of Janet. The “Easy” button is always in arms reach, and the panic button is somewhere lost in the commotion with the fickle stans. They know Janet will make a way in the end and everything will be fine once the dust settles. These stans get along well with the Wise Men stans due to similar perspectives on a number of Janet related things. The Disciple stans are instrumental in maintaining sanity on the board when some stans prematurely hit the panic button. 

The “Fast Girls” Stans

The Fast Girls stans are the youngest of the Janet stan community. They usually range in age from the time their testicles/eggs drop to about 18. They came on board around the time Janet became an attention whore and decided to pop out her baby well at the Super Bowl back in 2004. Bless their hearts. Only Janet’s slave titty could bring together so many youth looking for guidance. They don’t understand “Janet Jackson”. They don’t quite understand Janet’s status in the industry. They don’t understand that she’s an icon, a legend, a raging sexaholic with bad breath. For some reason she should still compete with the lesser girls today’s acts. They want Janet to perform at every award show, every fashion show, and every 1^st Street Baptist Church barbeque. (Who made the potato salad?). If Rihanna gets man handled in the passenger seat of her Kia Sephia, Janet should do that as well. To them, Janet is bringing awareness to domestic violence and it’ll help her album sales. If Beyoncé goes to court for using her five finger discount in the recording studio, Janet should do that too. To them, Janet is getting her feet wet with the justice system so when she doesn’t want to do music anymore, she can become a lawyer. Some of them just don’t get it. They say things like, “20 Y.O. is my favorite Janet album” or “I didn’t even know Janet and Michael were brother and sister.” And where else would such ridiculousness be posted??? Often times they are the ones who give Janet stans a bad rep. They make other stans look un-Janeducated. They haven’t really been exposed to Janet’s entire legacy but they are slowly learning. So we forgive them, at times. They don't know any better. 

The Wise Men Stans

The wise men stans are a relatively small group that accounts for a small percentage of the Janet stan population. More than likely these are the fans that were “of age” when Control dropped shortly after the signing of the Magna Carta. They’ve watched Janet go from a shy young girl, to a musical politician, to a slut for sale, to a psychiatric ward escapee. They’ve grown up with Janet, and watch her evolve as a person and as an artist. Contrary to the Janhova’s Witnesses, The Wise Men stans are less likely to frivol time away comparing Janet’s stats to those of the lesser girls. They know wherever the young girls are, and wherever they’re going, Janet has already been and did it bigger and better. Because they grew up with Janet, they are aware of her impact and what she has done in the industry. So there’s really nothing you can tell them about Janet. However, much like Janet, they keep to themselves. But after much provocation, they reach their breaking point and snap. Their shut downs are quick, soft, subtle, and informative. They’re seasoned slayers and have had decades years of practice. The gay ones are lethal and can stab via font. The straight ones, not so much, but still deadly.   

The Janhova’s Witnesses

You know how politicians, middle school teachers, and drug dealers stress the importance of extracurricular activities so kids won’t get into trouble? The Janhova’s Witnesses are “those kids”. They are usually between the ages of 18 and 26, often male, female, both, or Ciara to be determined. Rather than doing something constructive with their time, the Janhova’s Witnesses choose to spend their day listening to Janet’s albums, learning her dance routines, tweeting her, etc. This group has been following Janet since the 90s when Janet’s knees weren’t buckling after each 8 count and she didn’t need a daily supply poligrip. The Janhova’s Witnesses are usually the creative bunch of the stan population and are responsible for popularizing the term “Janhova’s Witness”. They keep Janet’s name relevant in the foolery other stans partake in. That includes foolishness like this, this, and this. So I suppose under those pretenses they do exhibit some level of sanity. These are the stans who collect wigs in Janet’s honor during a stan war. They know ALL of Janet’s stats: album sales, charts, tour gross, weight gain/loss, blood type, and even have a urine sample. The Witnesses’ purpose in a stan war becomes non-existent at a point. They know Janet’s status is above those who they’re arguing with, but they join in just to pass the time. There’s no REAL objective and it ultimately leads to nowhere. Formidable Witnesses, aka Janazis, are known to be ruthless in stan wars. These are the ones to steer clear of because like MJ stans, sometimes they drag in droves and you just will not win. It will get ugly, and personal.

The “State of the World” Stans

You know how when you’re in class, and there’s always that one person who is two syllables away from you skinning them alive? This is them. The “State of the World” stans are the panickers , the worriers, the fairweathers, the ones who bring pure chaos to the board. They are the people who make you question the legitimacy of the Bill of Rights. These are the ones who you secretly want to cause bodily harm to. These are the stans who panic when the slightest problem goes wrong. A simple lighting miscalculation will lead them to believe the lights of the stadium will go out and the rest of the tour will get canceled. Janet not getting enough promotion will cause the album to tank. A single that doesn’t debut on the charts minutes after downloading the leak is an omen of failure. Their fandom is contingent upon how high or low Janet is on the charts, how many awards Janet receives, or how many wings Janet ordered from Church’s. Sometimes it’s okay to wear your fandom on your sleeve, but sometimes it isn’t. These fans are what cause other fans to not enjoy the music. Speaking from a personal experience, I was in love with 20 Y.O. when I first bought it. Then I joined Janet-Xone. They are the most vocal, but the least helpful. Sometimes proposed solutions are often proceeded by, “Well Madonna…”, or whomever is currently having success is what Janet should do to be successful. These fans are fickle. They don’t take up for Janet by any means. Their fandom is questionable. They aren’t too popular in the fan community. [side note: why do I feel like I just analyzed half of Janet-Xone? Odd…] These fans should be left out in the pastures, or in a ditch begging for mercy if you ask me.

So I think I’ve covered all the fans within the fan community. But no time to sit and think, I got an idea for another post. Stay tuned.

[Damn this is a long song].