Sending You Forget Me Nots...

Recently, personal care physicians around the globe have been experiencing a high volume of patients. The U.S. Board of Health has reported a spike in high blood pressure, shortness of breath, and vertigo. Those patients are Janet Jackson (fair-weather) fans/stans. What is the cause? Janet Jackson news. In recent weeks there have been numerous reports surfacing concerning Janet’s new album. SOHH, Grape Juice, Janet-Xone fans hacking computers, etc have all published reports about Janet in the workshop.

*sighs*


So being a high profile member of the Rhythmless Nation, I feel that it is in my duty to write to Janet herself in respect to all of the news that has come about. Here is my letter I sent to Janet:


Dear Janet Jackson,

I’m sure you’ve gotten a lot of hate mail, death threats, and pregnancy tests in the past couple of months. But, I’m here to be the light at the end of the tunnel. I come in peace. You may not know who I am, but I am the author of Janetopia: All Things Perfect. It’s my blog in honor of you. I spread the gospel of your holiness, and display my coonery. Though as of late I have been skipping out on spending money on your CDs my membership dues, I feel as though my opinion should be valued over others. Why? Because I am a certified news reporter with a Bachelors in journalism from the University of Phoenix online, graduating summa cum laude. I am highly qualified to publish my work in weekly editorials, online blogs, and PTA Newsletters.


Well enough about me, let’s talk about you. So let’s begin with February 2009. Fans around the world learned that you are again working with longtime career saviors producers Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. When I logged on to Janet Jackson Forum and saw this it brought me to tears. I was overcome with joy. I knew after the sub-par 20 Y.O. and the lukewarm Discipline that you would regain your senses and get back with them to create the music that made you an icon. You had finally gotten tired of your singles being on the Hot 100 waiting list. I’m very happy about this. I don’t expect you to recreate another Rhythm Nation 1814, or record the second installment of The Velvet Rope, I just want you to make an album that silences your toughest critics (aka the fans) and continues your high level of quality.


Later on in the month, we learned that your lesbian lover Tyler Perry is doing a sequel to Why Did I Get Married?, and he wants the entire cast to return. So go ahead and look forward to your fourth consecutive #1 film at the box office. I hope your acting has improved. I didn’t care for your acting in some of the scenes. So I only saw the movie twice opening weekend. The film opened at #1 at the box office, partly due to my hard earned unemployment checks. My $21.25 helped contribute 0.0000988% to the $21.5 million opening, so I think you owe me a little. So with the next film, I want you to stretch yourself as an actress. It’s time for Perfect Patti to stretch her wings. Do something challenging. Scream, cry, pimp slap someone. You better make it good because if you don’t, I will only see the movie three times opening weekend. So make it good.


Okay so on to March. Not much news from you. However someone did capture this video of you going through security at LAX. Now, I’m not going to comment on that “Mother May I?” dress you have on, or the fact that you look like a high school art teacher with 3 cats and a lifetime subscription to O Magazine. Just do you. Whatever you feel comfortable in is alright with me. And did you have a pair of scissors in your Louis? It looked like a pair of scissors to me. Did you plan on doing some cosmetics to the lacefront during take off? Oh well, have fun with that. So on to April, you were rather quiet. Quiet like the sound on Mariah Carey’s microphone during a live performance. We didn’t hear a thing. JX had nothing on the home page. Media outlets made up your 38,293rd pregnancy rumor. Ciara tried to make herself relevant by talking about wanting to do a duet with you in the future. So no real news. You better had had your ass in that studio. And keep Jermaine’s ass away from your recording sessions. Lock him up with the rest Mr. Wonka’s oompa loompas.


May. The news begins to surface. I don’t feel like going on Janet-Xone or JJF (Janet Jackson Forum) and searching for what news came first, so I’ll just speak on what I remember. So first we learn that someone on JX found a Twitter account ran by an engineer who you were working with in the studio. I’m sure that person doesn’t even check that account because they probably bombarded him with questions, comments, complaints, Janet related grievances, and making sure you’re getting social security checks when you retire. You know all the stuff they do not need to know. That’s what the fans on JX do. A straight jacket should come with membership if you ask me. Here’s a breakdown of the JX family:


JANET: Hi guys! I love you all. Thanks for being there and supporting me. I will always cherish you.

Ass Kisser: OMG! JAAAAANNNNET I LOVE YOU! OMG OMG OMG! I love all of your projects.

Cosigner: *cosigns* You're such an inspiration!!!

Hater: You two need to stop kissing her ass.

Know-it-all: Janet you need to get a new label, management, bf, life, music, record, clothes, diet, cat, car, food, hair, nails, dancers, choreographer, producers, family, house, moon, star, earth, ocean, fans, etc and then you will sell millions

Rene Lover: Janet where is Rene? You need him back so you can make another TVR! You are so not good without him

Doubtful: I don't even think this is Janet. Janet would never say "Hi guys". She would say "Hey Guys". Plus "You" is capitalized in the subject. Janet would not have poor grammar like that! This is an impostor

Maddy fan: Janet you need to take tips from Maddy [Madonna]. She is the queen of music, dance, touring, performing, life....well everything! Maddy rules and Janet you are ok.

Worrier: Why are there so many haters here, why are there so many ass kissers here, if Janet do not top the charts she will never get a label, if Janet do not sell out her shows she will never perform, if Janet has a baby her career is over. If Janet makes a serious movie no one will like her. And what did she mean by thanking us? Is she retiring? How does she cherish us? Does she even care?

Helper: Where are the mods? They need to ban this Janet person and delete this thread. Matter of fact, ban everyone!

Mod: Guys relax this is the real Janet.

Doubtful 2: Um where is your source? Where’s the link or article that proves this is the real Janet? I won't believe it until Janet says that she is the real Janet.

Excited: OMG! It IS the real Janet!!! OMG I knew it!

Crazy: Janet OMG I saw you driving today. Can I have your number? Can we hang out at your house with JD? Would be cool if I could go into the studio with you. OMG I knew we had a connection when our eyes met on tour when I sat in the nose bleeds!

Jaded: Janet, what are you doing here? You should be working. You should be in the studio! You should be rehearsing for the tour! You should be promoting your albums and your songs! Its all over now

Nonbeliever: The mods don't know anything. This isn't Janet. You all are gullible. This site sucks! And JD is ruining everything in your life!

Analyzer: This is the real Janet guys. Look at her usage and choice of wording. Its very typical of her Ellen 20 Y.O. interview.

JD hater: Its probably JD posting as Janet. Lord knows he's always online and wants to be Janet.

Bitter Cancelee: Janet, how could you have done this to me?!? I was waiting 7 years and you canceled, and now my life is over because I was looking forward to perfection for 2 hours before i had to go back to the real world!"

[hat tip to Willy Wonka]


This is pretty much JX during trying times. And pretty much a rundown of your fan base. However there are some level-headed fans around like myself. Ones who understand that you are not perfect, your music isn’t as great as it used to be, and you’re taking your fans for granted. Because I am a Gemini, the other side of me understands that you’re the Queen of Music, you can do no wrong, and that you have fed 5,000 people with two fishes and five loaves of bread. Now you know you were wrong for cancelling those dates without an explanation. *side eye* Fans were ‘bout ready to cut you, figuratively and literally. I mean if you had severe menstrual cramps all you had to do was tell us. We would have understood.


Anywho, so later on in the week we find out that some 40 year-old virgin is still pressing the issue about the Super Bowl incident. The judges on the Supreme Court are 6 breaths away from Judgement Day. A titty is the last thing on their minds. So moving down the road, we learn you’re working on an adult contemporary album. Well you’re pretty much washing your hands with the typical fan base of teenagers to young adults, and those who still have their Studio 54 get-ups. So I’m assuming this will be a “That’s The Way Love Goes” – “Truth” type album? Nice and mellow? This is a good route. But Janet, try not to sing about getting banged at the petting zoo. I don’t think everyone wants to hear about your fantasies or realities. Keep those dance tracks coming, and keep that ONE sex song on the album. So you’ve been taking piano, guitar, and vocal lessons? We’ll start with piano. Umm, don’t you already know how to play the piano? *looks around confused* Same with the guitar. *scratches head*...Let’s just move on. You’re getting vocal lessons. Well thank goodness. I can’t afford to blow out another amplifier trying to hear what you’re saying. Those other producers let you get lazy on your singing. Jimmy and Terry are going to crack the whip on that ass. Now we’ll be able to hear you loud and proud. I would address the Michallah tour situation but I’m sleepy and I don’t feel like typing that out. You’ll live.


So in closing Ms. Jackson (cuz I’m nasty), we look forward to this new album. Whether if it’s coming out this year, or if it’s pushed back like Ciara’s we still anticipate your work. And with this album let’s not promote the album for a week and then fall off the map like those Discipline era performances. And for the love of God please get rid of Gil. I know he’s your ace boon coon, and I’m still trying to perfect the “All Nite (Don’t Stop)” and “Rock With U” routines, but it’s time for a new choreographer and creative director. I know you’re a nympho and like you mix business with pleasure, but keep JD away from your professional career. And I’m speaking on behalf of the fans, not just myself. And again I think my opinion should be weighed heavily. After all I do have a Doctorate in Psychology from Strayer University. So Ms. Jackson keep trucking on and I wish you the best!


Yours Truly,
Janetopia: All Things Perfect



P.S. - I got word that JD decided to put a tattoo of you on the right side of his abdomen. Janet, I swear to God, if you do the same with JD's face.......