Janetopia: What Is It?

So I chose to name the blog “Janetopia” for the simple fact that...well I don’t really have a reason. I thought it just sounded catchy.

So what is a Janetopia?

As we know, this blog is dedicated to spreading the gospel of Janet Jackson. And we know a utopia is fictionally a perfect community. It is a combination of the words “Janet” and “utopia,” and hence “Janetopia.” It’s a predominately black community. So you know there’s a Package Store, a DMV and Social Security Office, a “Chinese” man who owns the hair store, a Church’s Chicken, a First Street Baptist Church, and a Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. The front counter at Church’s was bulletproofed following an uprising that occurred when the two piece went up to $1.99. Essentially, a Janetopia is Janet’s world, and everyone just exists in it. It’s a nice community nestled in the heart of America. Once you step behind the velvet rope, Cassie the doorman will take you on an escapade to the community. You’ll travel through the time space continuum in a makeshift recession-friendly replica of the “Back to the Future” car.

*travels through time and arrives at Janetopia*

Once you arrive, you will see Janet’s humble abode. She lives at the top of the hill at 1814 Control Street. Her home is the largest of the community because it’s her world. She has 18 bedrooms, 14 bathrooms, and a whole bunch of other stuff she doesn’t need like a hair salon, a car port for her Kia Sportage, and a room for Mama Katherine when she comes to visit. Occasionally her lights get cut off because she spends the bill money at the local bingo hall.

Travelling down the hill you will come up on Michallah Jackson’s home. Due to prior allegations, he is not permitted near the La Petite Academy, nor is he allowed to visit Dr. 90210 without adult supervision. Michael usually keeps to himself, and appears to be the Mr. Rogers of the neighborhood. His attempts to conceal his identity in public usually fail. He and Janet get along pretty well as neighbors. They grocery shop together, get their hair and nails done together, borrow each others lacefronts from time to time, and allow the other irrelevant Jacksons to live with them rather than buy them their own home.

Across the way at 94 Bug A Boo Lane lives Queen Beysus. Beyonce once lived here. Beyonce, Mama Tina, and Papa Knowles moved on up to the east side after Beyonce got her real estate license, and sold Janhova her home and made a hefty commission. Heffa charged 5% commission. But it’s okay because she’s got a big ego. Beyonce is the pretty girl of the community who’s waiting until marriage to give away her goodies. Behind Beyonce’s home lives LaTavia Roberson and Farrah Franklin. They live in the back, and are responsible for the perfection of the lacewigs, processing House of Dereon shipments, and fighting a losing battle against relevance.

Behind Beyonce’s home lives Mariah. She lives in another world where butterflies run amuck, ponies give her life, and her home is decorated with Hello Kitty memorabilia. She’s often lost in a daydream while pretending to be gardening, while she’s merely doing nothing. She just wants to look cute in her new Lisa Frank overall shorts she had made to go with her 6 inch My Little Pony stilettos. Mariah and Beyonce are ace boon coons. They shop together buying stuff like 6 inch pumps, flamboyant dresses, fighter jets, long lost female group members, and oil wells. They like to make a mockery of others, mainly by buying products from J. Lo’s jewelry line.

Madonna is somehow royalty, and reluctantly respected in the community for her accomplishments. Her home sits on the opposite end of Michael’s home on the hill. He doesn’t like her. She’s always bugging him about her desires to sleep with a black man, career advice, how to deal with jealousy, and bringing cookies. Madonna is the Mrs. McCluskey of the neighborhood. She’s nosey, she’s in everyone’s business but her own, but somehow was voted as the president of the neighborhood watch.

Britney lives towards the bottom of the hill near the townspeople. She doesn’t clean up after herself. She and Madonna throw wild grunge parties, her children are often found dropped on the sidewalks, and from time to time Avril Lavigne performs for them. I wouldn’t call them the trailer park trash of the neighborhood, but let’s just say they aren’t always couth. Britney doesn’t care what others think about her, regardless of how many social workers drive past her home everyday. She actually lived in a very nice home, but after she married Kevin Federline, her level of class and etiquette declined.

Whitney Houston and Bobby are the ghetto couple of the community. Of course Whitney paid for the house because you know Bobby smoked his money away. They are often seen arguing in the streets. Whitney in her hair rollers, robe, and flip flops. Bobby in his tired New Edition Kangol and Dada Supreme get up. But nonetheless, arguably, they have the best make up sex. Whitney and Janet are often seen shopping at Neimans, cranking dat stanky leg at the club, and coordinating the community fish fry. Whitney is the ghetto mama of the community, disciplining everyone’s child regardless of whose child it is.

Ciara lives among the upper class commoners at the bottom of the hill near the town. She’s still living off her Goodies and Evolution money. However she tried to do what the fast girls do, and splurged on one of Janet and Michael’s lacefronts and she had to get a part time job to help pay for the cost. She’s the attention whore of the community letting everyone know she has talent, she can dance, and she’s not really a man.

Not too far from Ciara, Usher, like Michael, keeps to himself. He maintains his home because his recently acquire specimen wife asks him to maintain the exterior of the home. Usher and Madonna get along quite well because they’re always kissing Michael’s ass. Usher doesn’t understand that “Michael Jackson” is not a genre of music. Madonna has ulterior motives with Usher. The cops have been called numerous times due to Usher’s wife and Madonna getting into scuffles on the street.

Alicia Keys lives not to far from Beyonce. Her home is very nice. Well maintained due to Soulja Boy mowing it weekly, and Omarion doing all of the gardening. Alicia and Janet get along like Thelma and Louise. Two females who get in a car and run loose like Bobby Brown after the charges are dropped. After a comment Janet made, people are skeptical about her hanging with Alicia. Ciara has been known to make “house calls” with Alicia late at night. Regardless of if they’re working on new album or eating pie, what they’re doing behind closed doors is their business.

Keri Hilson The gas station attendant, Bow Wow grocery store clerk, and Rihanna McDonald’s drive thru worker all help keep the town in order. Though there have been times of pure pandemonium. Last year Target had a sale on Xhiliration flats, Acer laptops, and the deluxe edition re-release video anthology and three disc greatest hits package of B’day it was pure hectic. The SWAT team had to be called in. Fists were thrown, wigs were pulled, and heads were busted to the white meat. You know the typical stuff that happens when Beyonce finds out Popeye’s is out of Cajun chicken and jambalaya. Tyler Perry often comes to visit Janetopia. He’s always in Janet’s ass asking her to do a movie, dancing to her songs, wearing her pumps, and doing the Rolling Stone cover pose with Bow Wow. Justin Timberlake is kept in an underground chamber beneath the town streets. Janet, Whitney, Mariah, and Beyonce get together from time to time. They shop, play spades while eating fried chicken with cherry red kool-aid, and make fun of the irrelevant hoes.

A Janetopia has a wonderful political structure. There’s a mixture of fascism, capitalism, socialism, capitalism, and monarchy. What’s yours is Janet’s, and what’s Janet’s is not yours. Yeah it seems a little unfair, but that's the way love goes. Build a bridge and get over it. This is her utopia. Since Janet and Michael are brother and sister, they help each other out. When Janet can’t pay the bill on her Wet Seal charge card, Michael is there. And when Michael can’t pay child support, Janet is there to help hide the children from social workers. Janet is the ruler of the community. Whatever she says goes. When she calls a town hall meeting you attend. When she comes to collect homeowner’s association fees, you pay. When she spends her rent money on the slots, you pay her rent. Every Saturday, Ashanti comes by and mows the lawn, Brandy gives manicures and pedicures, and Monica cooks catfish and other Southern foods that give you high blood pressure and high cholesterol.

So ultimately, a Janetopia is Janet’s world, and everyone else just exists in it. Over the course of 36 years, all of the people she has influenced, all the artists she has worked with, everyone who has copied something she did been inspired by her, all exists in her world. We know Janhova to be the creator of our universe. She created man. She created Earth. She even created Gardasil so you can be O-N-E-L-E-S-S. We need to thank her, and worship the ground she walks on. I bid you adieu until next post…….