You Need To Stop For A Minute, Before You Get To Deep Up In It…

Asalamalekum. With every generation in music, there are always four types of artists: a top white singer, a top white performer, a top black singer, and a top black performer. Growing up, the top white singer and performer were Mariah and Madonna. And the top black singer and performer were Whitney and Janet. Of course Mariah came out in the 90s, but I remember in the 80s these three women ended a lot of artists’ careers. No one was outselling them. No one was having more hits than them. No one was winning more awards than them. They were unstoppable.

So here in 2009, we have a black artist who is collectively the top female singer, and the top performer. She is better than most artists in singing, dancing, performing, acting, investment banking, and water polo. She can swing a lacefront with fury, and eat a 10-piece from Popeye’s in record time, all while being a drill sergeant at the US Naval Academy. Whether if she is the US Ambassador to the UN, or surfing down a flight of steps, she is Beyoncé Giselle Knowles. Shortly after leading Destiny’s Child to being the best-selling girl group of all time, she went solo which was the original plan before Destiny’s Child. After July 2003, many careers ended. And to save face, we will not list the names of those who were effected.

Beyoncé’s multi-platinum albums, Grammy awards, and saving Americans hundreds on their car insurance just aren’t complete without the haters. They will split hairs, pick at the smallest thing, or talk about her breath just to hate. As the top black artist, many of you need to understand people are going to be highly critical of her. The media is going to pick at her every move. Haters are going to criticize everything she does, while secretly doing all the instructional dances listed in the extended re-released chopped and screwed remix of “Get Me Bodied.” Why? Because she’s a successful black woman who is creating and destroying the industry. America can not take a woman in power, much less a black woman in power. Beyoncé falling down the stairs during The Beyoncé Experience making national headlines only furthers my point. But like Beyoncéitis, I digress. It is much easier to throw black celebrities under the bus versus any other race. Janet slipped in cat piss during the Rhythm Nation 1814 Tour. Michael fell during a performance of “Smooth Criminal.” None of those made headlines. Somehow Beyoncé’s did.

Fans of your favorite flops need to understand a few points:

1. Your favorite artist will not outsell Beyoncé.
2. Your favorite artist will not win any award over Beyoncé.
3. Your favorite artist is not going to change the game.
4. Your favorite artist will not going to take her crown as the top artist.
5. Your favorite artist will not top Beyoncé in any shape, form, fashion, or nature.

* However, the aforementioned points do not apply to Alicia Keys as she consistently outsells Beyoncé with each album, wins Grammys over Beyoncé, and tops her as an artist.

I know you may not agree, but that’s the way love goes. I don’t make up the rules, I just enforce them.

Is it Beyoncé’s fault that your favorite artists’ album failed?
Is it Beyoncé’s fault that your favorite artists’ singles failed?
Is it Beyoncé’s fault that her work ethic is raising the stakes and standards for what is musically pop culture?
Is it Beyoncé’s fault that your favorite artist has to settle for the cheap Remy lacefronts? Well maybe.

Maybe if your favorite artist wasn’t trying to top Beyoncé and does something Beyoncé isn’t like be original, then maybe they will have some success. Maybe you shouldn’t be so concerned with your favorite artist trying to top Beyoncé. Maybe you should be a fan of the music, rather than the fan of the sales. In the event your favorite artist does top Beyoncé, you better believe she’s going to comeback even harder. Just like in 2008, when Rihanna was big, and selling. Beyoncé came back and outsold her in the US in roughly three months. If you have to compare your favorite artists’ new releases to Beyoncé, doesn’t that mean Beyoncé is the one to beat? Doesn’t that take away from your favorite artist? Anytime an award show airs that doesn’t have Beyoncé, it’s going to suck. Anytime Beyoncé takes a break, and people are asking “where is Beyoncé?” it shows who is in control. Understand:

1. Beyoncé is the music industry.
2. Beyoncé owns the music industry.
3. Beyoncé will not be topped by any female artist in the music industry.
4. The entertainment industry revolves around Beyoncé.
5. Beyoncé is pop culture.
6. Beyoncé is the Dalai Lama.


With that said, Beyoncé fans, you will not run away from this scotch free. Part of the reason why haters hate is because of you. If I may quote one of Janet’s most powerful lines:

“…check in the mirror my friend / no lies will be told then / pointin’ the finger again / you can’t blame nobody but you.”


You create hate videos against other artists, throw her name in when it’s not necessary, and brag about her like she just signed a peace treaty in the Middle East. Young Beyoncé-ites, it’s time to grow up. Conversations like these have got to end:

Fan: I love “so-and-so.” She’s really an inspiration to me.

Beyoncé fan: What has she inspired you to do? Flop and be irrelevant?

Fan: I don’t agree with Obama’s candidate for Supreme Court Justice. However, I do support his decision.

Beyoncé fan: Please. Who? How many albums has she sold? How many #1s does she have? Did she win the International Excellence Award? She’s irrelevant. He should have picked Beyoncé.

Fan: I really like Beyoncé when she sings her ballads. She has such a beautifulvoice.

Beyoncé fan: What’s a Beyoncé? She could never see Sasha
when it comes to the stage.

Cease and desist. It is okay to wear your love for Beyoncé on your sleeve, but don’t make it into a “Single Ladies” leotard. Granted you may like to defend Beyoncé’s name, there are more intelligent ways to go about it. For example:


Non-fan/hater: I just can’t get in to Beyoncé. She’s so unoriginal. She’s steals from other artists.

Beyoncé-ite: Well no one is truly original. However she does give credit to who inspired her, and she does make it her own.

Non-fan/hater: Beyoncé is a good performer. But she could never go toe-to-toe with Janet.

Beyoncé-ite: Janet is a good performer. But I personally believe Beyoncé is better.


Beyoncé is the top female in the industry, and just as quickly as she got it, it can be taken away. You need not take her success from granted. She is in her prime. And in a few years someone will come in and replace her. But as of right now, it’s not happening.

For my delusional Beyoncé fans, it’s time to step into the light. Beyoncé did not build the pyramids. She was merely the architect. She did not attend the Yalta Conference. She was merely the coordinator. Beyoncé is the not the greatest person to walk the Earth. She’s behind Oprah. Do not let your stanism cloud your perception of reality.

I’m getting tired, and Wife Swap is about to come on so let me wrap this up. In closing, Beyoncé is the top black artist of our time. No one, as of right now, has enough talent to dethrone her wig. In order to top Beyoncé, you need to be able to do the following: sing well, dance, act, perform, appeal to the gays, be attractive, write, produce, have Barbara Streisand’s elegance, Michael’s popularity, Tina Turner’s energy, Janet’s humbleness and fierceness on stage, and give men in the nursing home their first erection since the end of World War II. Until you find someone who has that, no one is coming for Beyoncé. Point. Blank. Period.


Everyone is going to pick at her for everything she does. You have to learn not to take every comment personally. If someone on a blog makes a comment about Beyoncé’s choice of ankle bracelets, it is not necessary to bring it to BW Board and turn it into a 34 page thread about complete and utter bullshit. Some things you need to take as seriously as people take Rihanna’s singing. To the other fans. Enough. If their name isn’t Alicia Keys, they aren’t going to top Beyoncé. Stop hoping they will, because they won’t.

The Constitution of the Rhythm Nation of America

We the people of the Rhythm Nation, in order to form a more perfect Janetopia, break the color lines, join voices in protest, work together to improve our way of life, don’t like no nasty car and don’t like no nasty food, and lend our hand to help our brother do his best, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Rhythm Nation of America.
As we all know Janet is in the workshop cooking up some fatbacks, hammocks, with Schlitz malt liquor, aka working on a new album. As more information comes in, we will see the return of the fair-weather fans, as well as a batch of new citizens who have seen the light of Janhova. So being a diamond plus club member of the Rhythmless Nation, I feel that it is my duty to spell out the rules, regulations, and requirements for the fans, stans, and new fans.

These guidelines are in no particular order. However I will make an effort to highlight the most crucial rules for being a Janet fan. I’ll try to keep some kind of format rather than just throwing rules together as I had planned. As follows:

Section One – The Music Videos Clause

1. THE NUMBER ONE REQUIREMENT FOR BEING A JANET FAN……
   
   
   Every Janet fan must know the “If” breakdown. This law is not up for debate. It is a requirement. Wherein one is a paraplegic or paralyzed on the left side of your body, that one better at least know the hand/arm movements. Do not question this rule. Doing so are grounds from exile from The Church. Stans are required to know the entire “If” routine.
2. It is unlawful for one to have a favorite Janet video. She is the owner of nearly 40 music videos, and a different look for each has been place into law. Whether if she’s breaking out an 8 count, or applying her Monistat 1 cream, you shall not have a favorite.
3. One shall know the choreographer for each video. Whether if it was the 90s with Tina, the 80s with Anthony and Paula, or Diamond from The Players Club, one shall know whom choreographed the work.
4. You will know Janet out-danced Michael in “Scream.” Contrary to popular belief, Janet handed Michael his ass.
5. You must know the choreography for at least one video per era. The requirement for entire video knowledge is plausible, however the powers granted by The Church requires one to know at least 75% of the video. One from Control, one from RN1814, one from Janet, and so on. My condolences go out to those who dropped the chair on their heads learning the chair routine from “Miss You Much.” Get well soon.
6. Citizens shall know Janet’s best videos are “Pleasure Principle,” “If,” “Rhythm Nation,” “Love Will Never Do (Without You),” and “Scream.”
7. Although at times it can be confusing, one shall know the concept/theme for the video. All are not required, but knowing most will add points to your fan/stan membership.
8. One should know the year of each video’s release. The “Dream Street” video is dismissible in that it is not the work of the Janet one has become accustomed to.

Section Two – The Music Clause

1. It is unlawful to not own every studio album. Be it on CD, cassette, vinyl, reel-to-reel, whatever. Own them.
2. As of section twelve, paragraph eight, one shall have compiled a list of his or her Top 10 favorite Janet Jackson songs. These included but are not limited to singles, album tracks, or unreleased tracks. Wherein each citizen has a list, The Church grants the power to the citizen to alter the list contingent upon how the citizen is feeling. One of which must be a signature Janet tune. If you don’t know her signature tracks, why are you a fan again?
3. You must be able to identify the theme in each song. Racism in “Rhythm Nation,” domestic abuse in “What About,” or that track about anal beads.
4. One shall know at least one album word for word. This includes the track and the interlude provided the album contains interludes. B-sides and remixes are enumerated by the people.
5. It is the duty of the citizen to be able to identify the theme of each album. Self independence of Control, social consciousness in Rhythm Nation 1814, etc.
6. One shall be acute to the genres for which Janet has explored. This includes pop, R&B, dance, techno, Negro spiritual, grunge, bluegrass, etc.
7. One shall be mindful that Janet is the only artist to be nominated in Pop, Rock, Rap, R&B, and Dance at the Grammy Awards.
8. You shall know for which whom has influenced the musical stylings of Janet’s music starting with her brothers.

Section Three – The Sales and Charts Clause

1. One shall be knowledgeable of 75% of Janet’s chart stats; collective knowledge of the Hot 100, R&B Chart, and Dance Chart.
2. One shall have knowledge in the area of #1 hits, the Top 10s, and the consecutive hits on each chart for the Hot 100. R&B Chart is encouraged as well. Knowledge of the Dance Chart is encouraged but not required.
3. One shall know that Janet has sold in the excess of 100 million albums in that Enron Island Def Jam reported in the calendar year 2008.
4. One shall know the sales for each album, Janet Jackson – Discipline. Being abreast to the sales of the remix albums and compilations albums is not required by the citizen(s).
5. One shall know how each song performed on the chart. Peak position is strongly enforced. Debut, chart run, and weeks on the chart are optional as well.
6. It is to the discretion of the citizen to know one or two stats for Billboard charts aside from the aforementioned. This includes a stat from Hot 100 airplay, Pop 100, Hot Singles, Billboard 200, etc.
7. You are not required to know the gold and/or platinum singles. However it is the duty of the citizen to know Janet has the most gold singles for a black female. If you happen to know them, you’ll get a smiley face on your homework.
8. You will know Janet ranked #7 on Billboard’s All-Time Hot 100 Artists. She is the most successful black female of the Hot 100 era (1958-2008).
9. It is useful for you to know chart information for other countries and the worldwide chart. This information is not enforced, but its knowledge is beneficial.

Section Four – The Awards Clause

1. One shall know that Janet owns the most Billboard Awards, as well as the now defunct Soul Train Awards.
2. One shall know Janet has the most VMAs for a black female, in addition to two MTV Movie Awards.
3. It is known Janet is the first MTV Icon. It is ordained by The Church that fan/stans keep this in mind.
4. In the course o 36 years, one shall know Janet, presented by an award show, is the owner of a legend award from the Billboard Awards, American Music Awards, Radio Music Awards, and others. Research them because I don’t feel like typing them. I have a violin recital in a couple of hours.
5. It is the duty of the citizen to make a note to check Janet’s award page on Wikipedia for any updates, or just to browse if you have nothing else to do.
6. It is found necessary and proper, for which a given fan/stan, shall be informed on which Janet is being awarded. Be it for sales, album, song, etc.

Section Five – The Etiquette Clause

1. One is required to carry themselves in such a manner in which Janet would. In a public setting no yelling, no coonery, no shopping at stores that still sells jellies, Dada Supreme apparel, and/or VCRs.
2. It is unlawful to brag to other flops in respects to the success of Janet. Janet has never let her success go to her head. Neither should you.
3. Do not go onto other stans’ message boards and throw shade. So for those of you on Sincerely Ciara bragging about Janet’s cooch delete your accounts. Those of you who are on Mariah Daily throwing shade about Janet still being able to perform live delete your account. Those of you who are on MJJC (Michael Joseph Jackson Community) bragging about Janet being born a black and will die black, please refrain from doing so. Janet is under contract to say Michael has vitiligo when asked by media outlets. And finally for those of you who are members of BW (Beyonce World) do not defend Janet against a stupid stan who thinks Janet was only relevant in 1993. Any slaying are rights enumerated by the people. We all know Janet has been bitch slapping since ’78.
4. Citizens of Rhythm Nation are required to have a registered account on Janet-Xone, Janet Jackson Forum (JJF), and Janet Media. Janet-Love, Janet-Journey, and Janet-Online are optional. Visit them periodically as some boards receive information before the others.
5. One shall never incite an altercation with another fan. The citizen shall deem it necessary to go into attack mode wherein the attacker has attacked on three separate occasions. We do not start fights. We finish them.
6. In the event of in which one goes into attack mode, please be aware of these accomplishments. Any additional accomplishments, records, and achievements should be stated contingent upon how pressed the attacker is.
7. In which one has become a Janet fan/stan, it is the duty of the fan/stan to retain his or her negative comments to his or herself. This includes but is not limited to the number of nasal procedures Michael has had, Beyonce continuing to allow Mama Tina to make her dresses, Whitney’s drug addiction, Mariah’s shot voice, 90s R&B Teen Queens’ irrelevance, Britney, Madonna, and Rihanna’s lack of talent, and Chris Brown’s right hook-uppercut combo.
8. In which a fan/stan takes notice of an artist, whereby an artist is using something Janet did earlier, one shall refer to such as INSPIRATION. It is only stealing when in attack mode.
9. In the event of a disapproval of an artist, presented by another fan/stan, who is not a member of the Rhythm Nation, do not downplay that artists’ accomplishments. In which that artist has sold an impressive amount of albums, or hold the Guinness World Record for fucking for tracks, do not dismiss their accomplishments.
10. It is ordained by The Church in which each citizen owns a minimum three pieces of Janet memorabilia. This does NOT include digital media (CDs, DVDs, etc). Magazines, tour books, posters, key chains, etc are all acceptable forms of memorabilia.
11. It is unlawful for which one posts false information about Janet to get The Church riled up. This includes fallacious track listings, tour set lists, etc. In which one does such action, all parties involved in the transgression will result in immediate suspension from The Church. The length in which the suspension lasts is dependent upon the nature of your crime.
12. During periods of inactivity (periods between albums and/or movies), it is necessary and proper to post any mentionings of Janet. Her name being mentioned in an article, an album being on a countdown, happy stories, a new blog *wink* are all examples.
13. Lend a hand to help your brother do his best. It is the duty of the citizen, in which a fan/stan is in need of a remix, instrumental, a cappella, etc please do your best to get it to them in a timely manner. Or if a fan is in need of assistance getting to a concert venue, do not be afraid to help. I urge you to do a background check and run a credit score before doing so.
14. It is unlawful to boast. One shall not carry themselves in such that Janet is the alpha and omega of music. Be it that she has parted the Red Sea, conducted a NASA space mission, and invented the vaccination to prevent polio, one shall not boast about her accomplishments.
15. It is the right of the fan/stan to have such a sense of superiority over the fair-weather fans. Such stan/fan has been a fan in times of peace, as well as times of turmoil. You deserve it.
16. Do not take Janet too seriously. If you befriend someone behind Janet, there is a problem. Not with you, but the friend. If your “friend” was your friend then he/she/shim should have known to respect your artist of choice (Janet), and to not bash her. Though it does seems shallow to some, but Janet’s music has saved, changed, and inspired lives around the world. Her music has prevented some from committing suicide, and that person may understand Janet on another level, versus someone who learned how to give fellatio from listening to “Warmth.”
    
    
    
    Done in Convention by the Unanimous Consent of the States present the Twenty-fourth Day of May in the Year of our Lord two thousand and nine and of the Independence of the Rhythm Nation of America the Eighteen-Fourteenth. In Witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names
    
    Janetopia: All Things Perfect
    
    
    
    

If you see any points to which that would amend the constitution, please leave your comments below and they will be amended in the Bill of Rhythm. In the course of 36 years, it is possible Janet is the second most awarded female behind Whitney Houston.

Sending You Forget Me Nots...

Recently, personal care physicians around the globe have been experiencing a high volume of patients. The U.S. Board of Health has reported a spike in high blood pressure, shortness of breath, and vertigo. Those patients are Janet Jackson (fair-weather) fans/stans. What is the cause? Janet Jackson news. In recent weeks there have been numerous reports surfacing concerning Janet’s new album. SOHH, Grape Juice, Janet-Xone fans hacking computers, etc have all published reports about Janet in the workshop.

*sighs*


So being a high profile member of the Rhythmless Nation, I feel that it is in my duty to write to Janet herself in respect to all of the news that has come about. Here is my letter I sent to Janet:


Dear Janet Jackson,

I’m sure you’ve gotten a lot of hate mail, death threats, and pregnancy tests in the past couple of months. But, I’m here to be the light at the end of the tunnel. I come in peace. You may not know who I am, but I am the author of Janetopia: All Things Perfect. It’s my blog in honor of you. I spread the gospel of your holiness, and display my coonery. Though as of late I have been skipping out on spending money on your CDs my membership dues, I feel as though my opinion should be valued over others. Why? Because I am a certified news reporter with a Bachelors in journalism from the University of Phoenix online, graduating summa cum laude. I am highly qualified to publish my work in weekly editorials, online blogs, and PTA Newsletters.


Well enough about me, let’s talk about you. So let’s begin with February 2009. Fans around the world learned that you are again working with longtime career saviors producers Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis. When I logged on to Janet Jackson Forum and saw this it brought me to tears. I was overcome with joy. I knew after the sub-par 20 Y.O. and the lukewarm Discipline that you would regain your senses and get back with them to create the music that made you an icon. You had finally gotten tired of your singles being on the Hot 100 waiting list. I’m very happy about this. I don’t expect you to recreate another Rhythm Nation 1814, or record the second installment of The Velvet Rope, I just want you to make an album that silences your toughest critics (aka the fans) and continues your high level of quality.


Later on in the month, we learned that your lesbian lover Tyler Perry is doing a sequel to Why Did I Get Married?, and he wants the entire cast to return. So go ahead and look forward to your fourth consecutive #1 film at the box office. I hope your acting has improved. I didn’t care for your acting in some of the scenes. So I only saw the movie twice opening weekend. The film opened at #1 at the box office, partly due to my hard earned unemployment checks. My $21.25 helped contribute 0.0000988% to the $21.5 million opening, so I think you owe me a little. So with the next film, I want you to stretch yourself as an actress. It’s time for Perfect Patti to stretch her wings. Do something challenging. Scream, cry, pimp slap someone. You better make it good because if you don’t, I will only see the movie three times opening weekend. So make it good.


Okay so on to March. Not much news from you. However someone did capture this video of you going through security at LAX. Now, I’m not going to comment on that “Mother May I?” dress you have on, or the fact that you look like a high school art teacher with 3 cats and a lifetime subscription to O Magazine. Just do you. Whatever you feel comfortable in is alright with me. And did you have a pair of scissors in your Louis? It looked like a pair of scissors to me. Did you plan on doing some cosmetics to the lacefront during take off? Oh well, have fun with that. So on to April, you were rather quiet. Quiet like the sound on Mariah Carey’s microphone during a live performance. We didn’t hear a thing. JX had nothing on the home page. Media outlets made up your 38,293rd pregnancy rumor. Ciara tried to make herself relevant by talking about wanting to do a duet with you in the future. So no real news. You better had had your ass in that studio. And keep Jermaine’s ass away from your recording sessions. Lock him up with the rest Mr. Wonka’s oompa loompas.


May. The news begins to surface. I don’t feel like going on Janet-Xone or JJF (Janet Jackson Forum) and searching for what news came first, so I’ll just speak on what I remember. So first we learn that someone on JX found a Twitter account ran by an engineer who you were working with in the studio. I’m sure that person doesn’t even check that account because they probably bombarded him with questions, comments, complaints, Janet related grievances, and making sure you’re getting social security checks when you retire. You know all the stuff they do not need to know. That’s what the fans on JX do. A straight jacket should come with membership if you ask me. Here’s a breakdown of the JX family:


JANET: Hi guys! I love you all. Thanks for being there and supporting me. I will always cherish you.

Ass Kisser: OMG! JAAAAANNNNET I LOVE YOU! OMG OMG OMG! I love all of your projects.

Cosigner: *cosigns* You're such an inspiration!!!

Hater: You two need to stop kissing her ass.

Know-it-all: Janet you need to get a new label, management, bf, life, music, record, clothes, diet, cat, car, food, hair, nails, dancers, choreographer, producers, family, house, moon, star, earth, ocean, fans, etc and then you will sell millions

Rene Lover: Janet where is Rene? You need him back so you can make another TVR! You are so not good without him

Doubtful: I don't even think this is Janet. Janet would never say "Hi guys". She would say "Hey Guys". Plus "You" is capitalized in the subject. Janet would not have poor grammar like that! This is an impostor

Maddy fan: Janet you need to take tips from Maddy [Madonna]. She is the queen of music, dance, touring, performing, life....well everything! Maddy rules and Janet you are ok.

Worrier: Why are there so many haters here, why are there so many ass kissers here, if Janet do not top the charts she will never get a label, if Janet do not sell out her shows she will never perform, if Janet has a baby her career is over. If Janet makes a serious movie no one will like her. And what did she mean by thanking us? Is she retiring? How does she cherish us? Does she even care?

Helper: Where are the mods? They need to ban this Janet person and delete this thread. Matter of fact, ban everyone!

Mod: Guys relax this is the real Janet.

Doubtful 2: Um where is your source? Where’s the link or article that proves this is the real Janet? I won't believe it until Janet says that she is the real Janet.

Excited: OMG! It IS the real Janet!!! OMG I knew it!

Crazy: Janet OMG I saw you driving today. Can I have your number? Can we hang out at your house with JD? Would be cool if I could go into the studio with you. OMG I knew we had a connection when our eyes met on tour when I sat in the nose bleeds!

Jaded: Janet, what are you doing here? You should be working. You should be in the studio! You should be rehearsing for the tour! You should be promoting your albums and your songs! Its all over now

Nonbeliever: The mods don't know anything. This isn't Janet. You all are gullible. This site sucks! And JD is ruining everything in your life!

Analyzer: This is the real Janet guys. Look at her usage and choice of wording. Its very typical of her Ellen 20 Y.O. interview.

JD hater: Its probably JD posting as Janet. Lord knows he's always online and wants to be Janet.

Bitter Cancelee: Janet, how could you have done this to me?!? I was waiting 7 years and you canceled, and now my life is over because I was looking forward to perfection for 2 hours before i had to go back to the real world!"

[hat tip to Willy Wonka]


This is pretty much JX during trying times. And pretty much a rundown of your fan base. However there are some level-headed fans around like myself. Ones who understand that you are not perfect, your music isn’t as great as it used to be, and you’re taking your fans for granted. Because I am a Gemini, the other side of me understands that you’re the Queen of Music, you can do no wrong, and that you have fed 5,000 people with two fishes and five loaves of bread. Now you know you were wrong for cancelling those dates without an explanation. *side eye* Fans were ‘bout ready to cut you, figuratively and literally. I mean if you had severe menstrual cramps all you had to do was tell us. We would have understood.


Anywho, so later on in the week we find out that some 40 year-old virgin is still pressing the issue about the Super Bowl incident. The judges on the Supreme Court are 6 breaths away from Judgement Day. A titty is the last thing on their minds. So moving down the road, we learn you’re working on an adult contemporary album. Well you’re pretty much washing your hands with the typical fan base of teenagers to young adults, and those who still have their Studio 54 get-ups. So I’m assuming this will be a “That’s The Way Love Goes” – “Truth” type album? Nice and mellow? This is a good route. But Janet, try not to sing about getting banged at the petting zoo. I don’t think everyone wants to hear about your fantasies or realities. Keep those dance tracks coming, and keep that ONE sex song on the album. So you’ve been taking piano, guitar, and vocal lessons? We’ll start with piano. Umm, don’t you already know how to play the piano? *looks around confused* Same with the guitar. *scratches head*...Let’s just move on. You’re getting vocal lessons. Well thank goodness. I can’t afford to blow out another amplifier trying to hear what you’re saying. Those other producers let you get lazy on your singing. Jimmy and Terry are going to crack the whip on that ass. Now we’ll be able to hear you loud and proud. I would address the Michallah tour situation but I’m sleepy and I don’t feel like typing that out. You’ll live.


So in closing Ms. Jackson (cuz I’m nasty), we look forward to this new album. Whether if it’s coming out this year, or if it’s pushed back like Ciara’s we still anticipate your work. And with this album let’s not promote the album for a week and then fall off the map like those Discipline era performances. And for the love of God please get rid of Gil. I know he’s your ace boon coon, and I’m still trying to perfect the “All Nite (Don’t Stop)” and “Rock With U” routines, but it’s time for a new choreographer and creative director. I know you’re a nympho and like you mix business with pleasure, but keep JD away from your professional career. And I’m speaking on behalf of the fans, not just myself. And again I think my opinion should be weighed heavily. After all I do have a Doctorate in Psychology from Strayer University. So Ms. Jackson keep trucking on and I wish you the best!


Yours Truly,
Janetopia: All Things Perfect



P.S. - I got word that JD decided to put a tattoo of you on the right side of his abdomen. Janet, I swear to God, if you do the same with JD's face.......

Happy Birthday Janet

Yes, yes, the day has come. Our loving Janet is a youthful 43 years-old on this lovely day, and doesn’t look a day over 41. I’m sure the girls on Janet-Xone are celebrating like the 13th Amendment had just been passed. The hoodlums on Janet Jackson Forum probably don’t even know today is Janet’s birthday. But I’m sure Angie will be on, because everyone knows that secretly she is Janet. But don’t say anything. She wants to see how many people wished “Janet” a Happy Birthday. I don’t know who she thinks she’s fooling.

Anywho, since today is Janet’s birthday I figured we could reflect on her 36 year career, and you can learn why Janet is better than your favorite artist.


So I happened to be perusing the boards and came across a list of accomplishments Janet was the first to do.



Janet Jackson Firsts

First female artist to have the #1 selling album of the year (Rhythm Nation 1814, 1990)

First female artist to debut atop the Billboard 200 in the SoundScan era (Janet., 1993)

First female recording artist of color to be nominated for a Producer Of The Year Grammy. 

First black artist to be nominated for an Academy Award (Best Original Song category) 

First female artist to have five Top 5 singles from one album (Control)

First artist to have five #1 R&B singles from one album (Control)

First artist  to place 7 Top 5 singles on the Hot 100 (technically Top 4)

First artist to have a #1 single in the 80s, 90s, and 00s.

First artist to have five or more Top 10 hits from three consecutive albums

First female artist to have five back-to-back #1 albums

First artist to have their first three films consecutively open at #1 at the box office

First female artist to sweep an awards show

First black artist to be awarded GLAAD's Vanguard Award

First artist to have a single simultaneously top the Hot 100, R&B, and dance charts.

First artist to have a single debut atop the R&B Airplay Charts

First artist to win Favorite Soul/R&B Female Artist and Favorite Pop/Rock Female Artist, and Favorite Dance Artist  at the American Music Awards

First and only artist to be nominated in pop, rock, rap, R&B, and dance at the Grammys

First female artist to debut in the Top 10 on the Hot 100 (Runaway)

First female artist to debut in the Top 5 on the Hot 100 ("Scream" with Michael)

Janet and Michael are the first (and only) siblings to both have a #1 single on the Hot 100

First artist to produce 4 #1 hits on the Dance chart

First artist to score a number-one hit simultaneously on the Billboard Hot 100 and Mainstream Rock singles charts with "Black Cat”

"All For You" became the first (and only) single in music history to be added to every possible American radio station in its first week. Janet ruled over 4 formats, Top 40, crossover, rhythmic and urban radio, no one has ever ruled over let alone 3 formats.

"All For You" became the first single to be added to every possible station, in the US, Japan, Asia, France and South Africa in its first week.

First artist to be awarded MTV Icon

First person to have their titty influence government policy


Now that she has slain the pure hell out of your favorite artists’ “first” accomplishments, let’s have a look at some of the records she holds:



Janet Jackson Records


Janet holds the record for the most consecutive Top 10 hits on the Hot 100 (18)

Janet holds the record for the most consecutive Top 10 hits on the R&B chart (25)

Janet holds the record for the most Top 10 hits on the R&B chart (30)

Janet holds the record for the most Billboard Awards (33)

Janet holds the record for the most Billboard Awards won in a single night (14)

Janet holds the record for the most #1 singles across the Billboard charts from a single album (7)

Janet holds the record for the most successful debut tour of any artist male or female, selling out on 4 continents

Janet is BMG's Biggest Selling Female Artist in the club.

Janet holds the record for most gold singles for a black female artist

Janet holds the record for the most Soul Train Award won (12)

Janet holds the record for the most American Music Awards nominations in a single year (9), earning an additional three nominations the following year (1987 & 1988 respectively)

Janet holds the record for the fastest sellout in the history of the Tokyo Dome, 48,000 seats with four shows sold out in a record seven minutes.

Other noted achievements:

Janet broke and set stadium attendance records at the Aloha Stadium in Hawaii with The Velvet Rope Tour and the All For You Tour

The live HBO broadcast of The Velvet Rope Tour garnered a total of 15 million viewers outperforming ABC, CBS, NBC and FOX in HBO homes, in addition to 13 Emmy nominations including one win.

In 1996, Janet signed with Virgin Records for a reported $80 million, making her the highest paid entertainer (at that time) surpassing brother Michael and bitter bitch Madonna.

Janet’s Velvet Rope Tour broke house records in Washington, D.C., Detroit, Grand Rapids, Michigan, and Salt Lake City.

Janet is one of the world’s best-selling artist having sold in the excess of 100 million albums

Janet ranks as the second most successful female artist of all time behind Madonna

In 2008, Janet ranked as the 7th most successful artist of Billboard’s Hot 100 All-Time Artists, 3rd female, 2nd African-American, and 1st African-American female.

In 2007, Janet was named by Forbes Magazine and E! Entertainment Television as one of the 20 Richest Women in Entertainment, coming in at #7.

Since her debut in 1982, Janet has spent a total of 660 weeks on Billboard's Hot 100 Singles chart and 540 weeks on Billboard's 200 Albums chart.

In 2004, Billboard ranked Janet as the ninth most successful recording artist in the history of Rock & Roll. She is also the second most successful female artist behind only Madonna.

To this day, Janet remains the only artist in Billboard history to hit no.1 on the Dance, Pop, Rock, Rap, R&B, Adult Contemporary and Top 40 charts.

In 2003, Janet's "Design of a Decade 1986/1996", "Rhythm Nation 1814", "Control", "janet." and "The Velvet Rope" were listed on the BMG Music Club's 100 Biggest Selling Albums in the U.S. coming in at no.9, no.35, no.58, no.63 and no.95, respectively. "Design of a Decade" and "Rhythm Nation 1814" are two of the club's 1 million sellers.

In 2003, Jackson's "The Velvet Rope" and "Rhythm Nation 1814" were named by Rolling Stone Magazine as two of The 500 Greatest Albums of All Time, coming in at no.256 and no.275, respectively.

In 1986, at the age of 20, Jackson became the youngest black female to hit no.1 on Billboard's 200 Albums Chart.

With six no.1 albums on the Billboard 200, Janet sits with a third place tie with Mariah Carey among female artists with the most no.1 albums on that chart.

Janet's "Scream", with brother Michael, is featured in the Guinness Book of Records as the Most Expensive Music Video Ever Made. The video cost more than $7 million dollars.

Janet's "Rhythm Nation" and "Love Will Never Do (Without You)" were named by TV Guide and MTV as two of the 100 Greatest Videos Ever Made coming in at no.44 and no.88, respectively.*

Janet's "Nasty" was named by Rolling Stone magazine as the no.79 Greatest Song in Rock & Roll history.

Janet's "Feedback" marks her 18th no.1 hit on Billboard's Hot Dance Club Play chart. The most no.1's of any black female and second behind Madonna.

Janet's "That's The Way Love Goes" is the biggest-selling single of all time by a female recording artist in South Africa. It also holds the record for most weeks spent at no.1 (9 weeks) and most weeks spent on the South African Sales chart (44 weeks).

With the release of only three albums in the 1990s, Janet was named by Billboard as the second biggest artist of the decade, surpassing such artists as Whitney Houston, Garth Brooks, En Vogue, Madonna, Michael Jackson, and Boyz II Men and only second to Mariah Carey.

Janet's "Rhythm Nation 1814" became the first and only album in Billboard history to score no.1 singles on the Hot 100 Singles Chart in the three different calendar years (1989-1991).

With fifteen no.1 hits on the Billboard Hot R&B Singles chart, Jackson is second only to Aretha Franklin among female artists with the most no.1 singles on that chart.

Janet's "Together Again" is her longest-charting single spending 46 weeks on the Billboard Hot 100.

Janet's biggest selling single worldwide is "Together Again", in 1998 it was the 4th biggest selling single of the year in Europe (2nd biggest for a female, only outsold by Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On"). Worldwide sales according to Virgin Records are over 5.5 million copies, one of the largest selling singles ever from a female artist. "Together Again" spent nearly 50 weeks in the Top 50 of the Billboard Hot 100, it also remains one of the longest charting hits in Billboard history. "Together Again" sold over 760,000 in the UK making it one of the biggest selling singles ever in the UK from a female artist, "Together Again" sold over 600,000 copies in Germany also earned a Platinum certification just 2 months after it was released. "Together Again", also went Platinum in the Netherlands, France, Belgian, South Africa, Italy, and even went Double Platinum in New Zealand and Australia.


In 2004 following Superbowl, Janet set a number of records:

Janet entered the Guinness Book of Records as the most-search person in the history of the internet, and the most-searched news item in history.


TiVo, said it was also one of the most watched moments in US TV history


Lycos said the brief flash of flesh had become the most searched for event in its history; On Monday, Janet Jackson and the half-time show received 60 times as many searches as the Paris Hilton sex tape and 80 times as many searches as Britney Spears


People using Google searched for "Janet Jackson" almost 10 times more the day after the game than they did on Sunday, said the company.


By the Wednesday following the incident, Jackson broke records on Yahoo, accounting for nearly 20% of all terms searched on the site.



I know at this point you pretty much feel like crap because you thought your favorite artist had something going for them, and after reading the post you’re having second thoughts. But it’s okay, I know how you feel. I was watching Oprah’s Legends Ball a while ago and from :11 - :15 I felt like complete crap. So I feel your pain, your hatred, jealous, etc. Don’t shoot the messenger.

Anyways

Happy Birthday Janhova

Janetopia: What Is It?

So I chose to name the blog “Janetopia” for the simple fact that...well I don’t really have a reason. I thought it just sounded catchy.

So what is a Janetopia?

As we know, this blog is dedicated to spreading the gospel of Janet Jackson. And we know a utopia is fictionally a perfect community. It is a combination of the words “Janet” and “utopia,” and hence “Janetopia.” It’s a predominately black community. So you know there’s a Package Store, a DMV and Social Security Office, a “Chinese” man who owns the hair store, a Church’s Chicken, a First Street Baptist Church, and a Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard. The front counter at Church’s was bulletproofed following an uprising that occurred when the two piece went up to $1.99. Essentially, a Janetopia is Janet’s world, and everyone just exists in it. It’s a nice community nestled in the heart of America. Once you step behind the velvet rope, Cassie the doorman will take you on an escapade to the community. You’ll travel through the time space continuum in a makeshift recession-friendly replica of the “Back to the Future” car.

*travels through time and arrives at Janetopia*

Once you arrive, you will see Janet’s humble abode. She lives at the top of the hill at 1814 Control Street. Her home is the largest of the community because it’s her world. She has 18 bedrooms, 14 bathrooms, and a whole bunch of other stuff she doesn’t need like a hair salon, a car port for her Kia Sportage, and a room for Mama Katherine when she comes to visit. Occasionally her lights get cut off because she spends the bill money at the local bingo hall.

Travelling down the hill you will come up on Michallah Jackson’s home. Due to prior allegations, he is not permitted near the La Petite Academy, nor is he allowed to visit Dr. 90210 without adult supervision. Michael usually keeps to himself, and appears to be the Mr. Rogers of the neighborhood. His attempts to conceal his identity in public usually fail. He and Janet get along pretty well as neighbors. They grocery shop together, get their hair and nails done together, borrow each others lacefronts from time to time, and allow the other irrelevant Jacksons to live with them rather than buy them their own home.

Across the way at 94 Bug A Boo Lane lives Queen Beysus. Beyonce once lived here. Beyonce, Mama Tina, and Papa Knowles moved on up to the east side after Beyonce got her real estate license, and sold Janhova her home and made a hefty commission. Heffa charged 5% commission. But it’s okay because she’s got a big ego. Beyonce is the pretty girl of the community who’s waiting until marriage to give away her goodies. Behind Beyonce’s home lives LaTavia Roberson and Farrah Franklin. They live in the back, and are responsible for the perfection of the lacewigs, processing House of Dereon shipments, and fighting a losing battle against relevance.

Behind Beyonce’s home lives Mariah. She lives in another world where butterflies run amuck, ponies give her life, and her home is decorated with Hello Kitty memorabilia. She’s often lost in a daydream while pretending to be gardening, while she’s merely doing nothing. She just wants to look cute in her new Lisa Frank overall shorts she had made to go with her 6 inch My Little Pony stilettos. Mariah and Beyonce are ace boon coons. They shop together buying stuff like 6 inch pumps, flamboyant dresses, fighter jets, long lost female group members, and oil wells. They like to make a mockery of others, mainly by buying products from J. Lo’s jewelry line.

Madonna is somehow royalty, and reluctantly respected in the community for her accomplishments. Her home sits on the opposite end of Michael’s home on the hill. He doesn’t like her. She’s always bugging him about her desires to sleep with a black man, career advice, how to deal with jealousy, and bringing cookies. Madonna is the Mrs. McCluskey of the neighborhood. She’s nosey, she’s in everyone’s business but her own, but somehow was voted as the president of the neighborhood watch.

Britney lives towards the bottom of the hill near the townspeople. She doesn’t clean up after herself. She and Madonna throw wild grunge parties, her children are often found dropped on the sidewalks, and from time to time Avril Lavigne performs for them. I wouldn’t call them the trailer park trash of the neighborhood, but let’s just say they aren’t always couth. Britney doesn’t care what others think about her, regardless of how many social workers drive past her home everyday. She actually lived in a very nice home, but after she married Kevin Federline, her level of class and etiquette declined.

Whitney Houston and Bobby are the ghetto couple of the community. Of course Whitney paid for the house because you know Bobby smoked his money away. They are often seen arguing in the streets. Whitney in her hair rollers, robe, and flip flops. Bobby in his tired New Edition Kangol and Dada Supreme get up. But nonetheless, arguably, they have the best make up sex. Whitney and Janet are often seen shopping at Neimans, cranking dat stanky leg at the club, and coordinating the community fish fry. Whitney is the ghetto mama of the community, disciplining everyone’s child regardless of whose child it is.

Ciara lives among the upper class commoners at the bottom of the hill near the town. She’s still living off her Goodies and Evolution money. However she tried to do what the fast girls do, and splurged on one of Janet and Michael’s lacefronts and she had to get a part time job to help pay for the cost. She’s the attention whore of the community letting everyone know she has talent, she can dance, and she’s not really a man.

Not too far from Ciara, Usher, like Michael, keeps to himself. He maintains his home because his recently acquire specimen wife asks him to maintain the exterior of the home. Usher and Madonna get along quite well because they’re always kissing Michael’s ass. Usher doesn’t understand that “Michael Jackson” is not a genre of music. Madonna has ulterior motives with Usher. The cops have been called numerous times due to Usher’s wife and Madonna getting into scuffles on the street.

Alicia Keys lives not to far from Beyonce. Her home is very nice. Well maintained due to Soulja Boy mowing it weekly, and Omarion doing all of the gardening. Alicia and Janet get along like Thelma and Louise. Two females who get in a car and run loose like Bobby Brown after the charges are dropped. After a comment Janet made, people are skeptical about her hanging with Alicia. Ciara has been known to make “house calls” with Alicia late at night. Regardless of if they’re working on new album or eating pie, what they’re doing behind closed doors is their business.

Keri Hilson The gas station attendant, Bow Wow grocery store clerk, and Rihanna McDonald’s drive thru worker all help keep the town in order. Though there have been times of pure pandemonium. Last year Target had a sale on Xhiliration flats, Acer laptops, and the deluxe edition re-release video anthology and three disc greatest hits package of B’day it was pure hectic. The SWAT team had to be called in. Fists were thrown, wigs were pulled, and heads were busted to the white meat. You know the typical stuff that happens when Beyonce finds out Popeye’s is out of Cajun chicken and jambalaya. Tyler Perry often comes to visit Janetopia. He’s always in Janet’s ass asking her to do a movie, dancing to her songs, wearing her pumps, and doing the Rolling Stone cover pose with Bow Wow. Justin Timberlake is kept in an underground chamber beneath the town streets. Janet, Whitney, Mariah, and Beyonce get together from time to time. They shop, play spades while eating fried chicken with cherry red kool-aid, and make fun of the irrelevant hoes.

A Janetopia has a wonderful political structure. There’s a mixture of fascism, capitalism, socialism, capitalism, and monarchy. What’s yours is Janet’s, and what’s Janet’s is not yours. Yeah it seems a little unfair, but that's the way love goes. Build a bridge and get over it. This is her utopia. Since Janet and Michael are brother and sister, they help each other out. When Janet can’t pay the bill on her Wet Seal charge card, Michael is there. And when Michael can’t pay child support, Janet is there to help hide the children from social workers. Janet is the ruler of the community. Whatever she says goes. When she calls a town hall meeting you attend. When she comes to collect homeowner’s association fees, you pay. When she spends her rent money on the slots, you pay her rent. Every Saturday, Ashanti comes by and mows the lawn, Brandy gives manicures and pedicures, and Monica cooks catfish and other Southern foods that give you high blood pressure and high cholesterol.

So ultimately, a Janetopia is Janet’s world, and everyone else just exists in it. Over the course of 36 years, all of the people she has influenced, all the artists she has worked with, everyone who has copied something she did been inspired by her, all exists in her world. We know Janhova to be the creator of our universe. She created man. She created Earth. She even created Gardasil so you can be O-N-E-L-E-S-S. We need to thank her, and worship the ground she walks on. I bid you adieu until next post…….

My Interview With Janet Jackson

The youngest member of the legendary Jackson family, Janet Damita Jo Jackson grew up a shy introverted little girl. After finding success in television, Janet’s father asked that she try her hand at music. Her first two albums were met with mediocre sales. By 1985, Janet ended her contract with Fame and chose to try her hands at music once again, but her way. Collaborating with The Time’s Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, Janet released the critically acclaimed LP Control in 1986. The album went on to sell 14 million copies worldwide. Signature tracks such as “Nasty” solidified Janet’s spot in mainstream pop. Three years later, Janet sought to deal with a troubled world with 1989’s Rhythm Nation 1814. She pleaded for unity and an end to racism. The album also went on to sell 14 million copies worldwide. Follow up albums Janet. in 1993 made Janet a sex symbol selling nearly 20 million copies, and the introspective The Velvet Rope in 1997 displayed her vulnerability. She followed up her success with 2001’s All For You. It was smooth sailing for Janet until the now infamous “wardrobe malfunction” at the 2004 Superbowl. Subsequent albums Damita Jo, 20 Y.O., and the #1 Discipline received mixed reviews, and were commercial disappointments. 2009, marks a new year for the legendary performer. I had the chance to sit down with Janet Jackson earlier this year. I went one-on-one with her about her career, her love life, and her future.


Unfortunately, Janet Jackson declined our interview was unable to meet with us. However, we were forced able to interview Damita Jo.

[Damita Jo arrived to the interview an hour and forty-five minutes late. We could hear her and her friends conversing at a high volume as they walked down the hallway. She walks in. Her hair is done up like the pillars at the Taj Mahal. Her fingernails are painted a rich gold, four inches long, with rhinestones on each nail. She’s wearing the summer’s hottest outfit, a powder-orange latex pant-suit from CitiTrends. In her hand is a to-go plate of catfish, hot water cornbread, collard greens, macaroni-n-cheese, and a cup of red kool-aid, as she describes it, from Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. A plate of food that would set the Surgeon General back 200 years. She sits down and begins to eat.]

Me: Good afternoon Damita Jo. How are you today?

Damita Jo: Oh hey chile, how you durrin?

Me: I’m well thank you. I see you had a little trouble getting her on time. [chuckles]

Damita Jo: Oh yeah gurl. You see what had happen was, they aint had no catfish ready at Roscoe’s over on Martin Luther King Boulevard. So we had to get on the bus and go to the Roscoe’s over on Washington Avenue on the Souf side. [she sprinkles Tabasco sauce on her catfish]

Me: Well that must be some good food. [chuckles ]

Damita Jo: Oh yeah gurl you aint get you none yet? Guuuurl I’ma take you over there after we get done with this. They smothered fried chicken be ON PERNT gurl okay! [snaps three times]

Me: I’ll consider it. So, 2009, it’s a new year. Any plans?

Damita Jo: Well it’s been a rough year for me already. I had to go to court last week because I’ve been missing payments on my living room set from Rent-A-Center. And when they tried to come repo it, they claimed I assaulted the repo man. Gurl I aint sweatin’ them because Aaron’s got this love seat that I want.

Me: Oh well I hope that all works itself out. So let’s start with your breakout album Control. It was 1986, you just broke onto the scene with this massively successful album. How was that like? How did you feel?

Damita Jo: I was happy. I was finally able to get rid of them peep-toe Candies and got some Merona’s. I upgraded my weave from Outré Premium to Yaki. I wasn’t leeching off Mike to pay my bills like everyone else in the family. I had to give my father the pink slip because I knew he was trying make money off of me. I wasn’t having that. Who the hell he think he is…Matthew Knowles? I mean I was happy with the album. I was helping the chillun in the ghettos, and validating white people’s decision to listen to R&B music. It was just me and homegurl Whitney representin’ for the sistas.

Me: You had just gotten out of a marriage at that time. How did you feel?

Damita Jo: I did what? [she pauses for a moment and puts her catfish down] …oh James DeBarge. Him. Oh he was cool. He liked to drink. I was cool with that because daddy was a drunk anyway. But I had to let James go because he didn’t understand the concept of "puff, puff, pass."

Me: Puff, puff, pass?

Damita Jo: Yeah gurl. It’s something you learn down over on East 14th.

Me: Okay, I guess. Anyway, Rhythm Nation 1814. What brought that on? What made you want to put out an album that was so socially conscious?

Damita Jo: Well, me and my girl Starkiesha was at Montgomery Ward over on East 12th one day, and I was looking at the hot pink sling backs in the shoe section. And I looked up and there was this woman with her child at the register and she didn’t have enough money to pay for his LA Gears. And I thought that was so depressing. The little boy cried. So being the Good Samaritan that I am, I paid for the little boy’s shows. The mother just asked me for an autograph. The bitch took it too far when she started asking about my weave. I had to go be with the Lord for a minute before I lost my religion in that store. So after that we left the store, there was this teenage boy outside the store asking for money. So I gave him some cash for some food, and a dime bag of weed. I didn’t mind give out money because I was still getting my WIC checks from the government because of that secret child I had with James.

Me: Where is the child now?

Damita Jo: With Rebbie, I think. I don’t know. We pass the child around the family like currency. Anywho, I didn’t mind giving the boy money. So I felt like, I should do an album about this. So I told Jimmy and Terry about it and there was Rhythm Nation 1814. Please don’t ask me about the title hun, because I don’t feel like explaining. [she licks her fingers dry of the catfish]

Me: Okay I wont. [laughs] The album was a huge success.

Damita Jo: Yeah I was stomping over bitches left and right with every single and video I put out. Madonna was hella mad. But I wasn’t sweatin’ her. She was just jealous. Around that time some this white Whitney Houston came out.

Me: A white Whitney Houston?

Damita Jo: Yeah, you know the girl that can hit them high ass notes. Mertle, or something like that?

Me: You mean Mariah Carey?

Damita Jo: Yeah I guess. Whatever her name is. You know Whitney is my gurl so I called Whitney, but the bitch aint put no minutes on her phone, so I had to tell her at the Billboard Awards that year about Mariah. Let me tell you about Ms. Whitney. That heffa…is ghetto. She was bout ready to pull out her blade and cut some Mariah up!

Me: Wow. I didn’t know. So talk to me about Janet. and The Velvet Rope. What was the story behind these albums?

Damita Jo: Damn you ask a lotta questions. Anywho, [she begins eating her collard greens] the Janet. album was in 1993. I was feeling cute about myself because I was finally making that Oprah money. I had to close my credit card account with CitiTrends, and got an account at Neiman Marcus. I was tryna get classy. I got me some new weave and some new shit they called lacefronts. I guess I was the first black bitch in the game to have one. So we made the Janet. album, and it was another huge success. You seen the Rolling Stone cover right? That was my idea. And for some reason that heffa Madonna was still all up in my shit because her album and her movie flopped, and neither of mine did. So me, Whitney, and Starkiesha saw her behind the Shrine Auditorium, and lets just say we read Madonna her rights, and did a few other illegalities.

Me: Well, don’t you think that’s kind of harsh?

Damita Jo: Hell naw! She shouldn’t have been poppin’ off at the mouth.
[she begins eating her mac-n-cheese]

Me: Well tell me about The Velvet Rope.

Damita Jo: Well me, Whitney, and Starkiesha, because you know them my ace boon coons, was at the Magic Johnson phinna see The Lion King. We was celebrating the successes of the Janet. album, and The Bodyguard. We was slaying the girls left and right with them albums. So we watching the movie, and the part where Mufasa dies brought back so many repressed memories from my childhood. I started getting teary eyed. But I had to stop because my Revlon started running. Anywho, I told Jimmy and Terry about it, and then came The Velvet Rope. I wrote about domestic violence. I wrote about AIDS. I wrote about loneliness. I even wrote about the cashier at Popeye’s who didn’t honor my 10-piece for $8.99 coupon because it was expired. Now, when we finished the album, we took it to the label. They listened to it, and said I needed to change some of the lyrics, and remove some songs. I was like to hell with that. I put in hours making them songs. Plus, I still gotta finish paying off my love seat from Aaron’s. Because you know I gave Rent-A-Center the axe after that little incident. [she begins to eat her hot water cornbread…smacking loudly] So, I had to call Big Mama because the label just weren’t seeing eye-to-eye. I told them my mama was coming and they best leave the album as is. So my mama came into the office, and the record exec said something sideways. Me, Jimmy, and Terry promptly left the boardroom for a minute because we knew shit was about to go down. Now, I’m under contract, so I can’t say what I heard, but Mama Katherine came out minutes later and let us know to come back in. The label decided to put out the album as it was, sponsor the tour, and they even paid off my love seat. They even bought me a Kia Sephia as a gift.

Me: Wow, seemed like a big…hoopla of events [laughs] So, it’s 2001. All For You, the René divorce, MTV Icon, meeting Jermaine. Tell me about it.

Damita Jo: Well René, I talked about him on the album. Just listen to it. Truth, Son Of A Gun, it’s all there. Album debuted at #1, got my 10th #1 on the Hot 100. You know the typical stuff I had been doing since 1986. MTV Icon, they just had hella people show up that I had influenced. It was a big deal for me because I saw the impact I had made on the new generation. And I got a chance to see what they would be stealing from me in the future. I felt good about myself. I was winning awards, my album was selling, the tour was going well, and I got my new lacefronts in the mail. You know the good life. I was riding high. Jermaine came along around that time. I was wondering who let the trolls out, but he actually pretty nice.

Me: Until 2004 right? [laughs] Let’s talk Superbowl.

Damita Jo: Well long story short, we all know what happened. The media came down on me because I’m a black, I’m a woman, and I’m a Jackson. I found it odd that my white counterparts can nearly drop their children on the sidewalk, snort coke during a performance, and kiss girls half their age on stage and they get no media backlash. I guess violence is more acceptable than sex here in the United States.

[she shows me a blog to visit]

Read this blog. It talks about everything I have to say about the situation. Homegurl was speaking the truth.

[Damita Jo’s friend bursts into the room]

Friend: Damita!

Damita Jo: What’s wrong Escalade!?

Escalade: Chile they out here phinna take the Nissan Sentra! C’mon!

[Damita Jo hastily licks her fingers and puts her to-go plate on the table]
[they run out of the room]

I peer out the window to see Damita Jo and Escalade arguing with the repo man. Whitney jumps in the Sentra and drives off. The remaining two run around the block and meet Whitney on the corner. They drive off and find a secure place to park.

[they return 10 minutes later.]

Escalade: gurl that was close.

Whitney: Chile who you tellin’? [she wipes her forehead]

Escalade: Oooooh gurl they got the nice cameras up in here! Let’s take pictures.

They insist on having an impromptu photo shoot. Here are a few pictures from the shoot:

[they take a minute to get themselves together]

Me: Welcome back, and welcome Escalade and Whitney. Now, Damita Jo, you briefly spoke about artists you’ve influenced. I’m going to name a few artists and tell me what you think about them.

Damita Jo: Okay.

Me: Ciara.

Damita Jo: I’m sorry I don’t know a Cedric.

Me: Oh no I said Ciara

Damita Jo: Oh, her. She aight. I mean she aint the best singer, but the shim can move. She aint no Janet, but she aight.

Me: Britney Spears

Damita Jo: Who?

Me: Britney Spears.

Damita Jo: I’m not following you.

Whitney: Yeah I don’t know who she’s talking about either.

Me: Britney Spears. You know [sings] “hit me baby one more time.”

Damita Jo: I’m sorry, are you asking for the number to Child Protective Services?

Me: Uh, [scratches head] let’s just move on. Beyoncé.

Damita Jo: [confused look] Who?

Whitney: Oh girl she talkin’ bout Beysus.

Damita Jo: Oh Beysus. Oh that’s my girl. We was just at the flea market the other day. She aint the most original artist. She stay stealing from folk. She can perform her ass off. I see a generic version of me when I look at people like Ciara and Beysus. That’s my other ace boon coon though.

Whitney: Girlfriend hair be on point.

Damita Jo: Yes gurl, we get our lacefronts from the same place.

Whitney: From Shaniqua’s over on 33rd?

Damita Jo: Yes, girlfriend be hooking us up. We’ve been loyal customers for 10 years and we still can’t get a discount. The customer comes first.

Me: Mariah. How do you feel about her?

Damita Jo: Mertle? Well she could sing. Not better than Nippy of course. I saw her perform at the Inaugural Ball. And I’m like, “girl how the hell do you fuck up your own classic?” Jesus, take the wheel.

Me: Well how does the future look for you?

Damita Jo: Well, I’m working on a new album. I’m back with Jimmy and Terry again. It’s the least I can do since I fucked over my fans with my last tour. I had to cancel a few dates. I’m sorry but my feet was hurtin’.

Me: Well Damita Jo I’d like to thank you for your time, and I hope to see you again.

Chellur

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening...whatever time of day it is when you read this. Let me just first start off by saying that I don't expect many of you to take this seriously. This is just a means for me to express my admiration for Janet Jackson...and to share my life experiences under the blessings of Janhova. However some are bound to get pressed. We'll just ignore them and let them get frustrated behind their Toshiba's and Hughes Net Wi-Fi. I am your average college student with too much time on my hands. And with school out for the semester, I really don't have anything to do. Grades? Well at a black school, your grades are posted whenever the professor decides to push away from the bar, and get back to the office to submit your grades.

Anywho, hello. *happy face* As you can see I love Janet Jackson. For the sake of my laziness, I’ll refer to Janet Jackson as Janhova. Yeah I could just call her Janet, but that’s so cliché. Ever since I stepped my K-Mart game up from Mossimo to Faded Glory, I’ve been rather saditty. Ordering off the $1.29 menu at Taco Bell, rather than the $0.99 menu at that tired Taco Mac, walking around with Starbucks cups…you know the stuff the working class does to look important. So yes, like I said I love Janhova. Why you may ask? I really don’t feel like answering this, but since my violin recital isn’t for another few hours I guess I have time:


First and foremost, Janet is a great person.

Yes, she called her ex-choreographer a stupid bitch repeatedly in one of her songs. But hey, who hasn’t? Just look at the medical records of all of Naomi Campbell’s past employees. And yes Janet has pistoled whipped LaToya a few times. But then again LaToya shouldn’t have taken the last Church’s biscuit at the Jackson Family Reunion. But in all seriousness, Janet is a great person. Throughout her career, you have never heard any reports of Janet being a demanding diva. She has never bragged about her success, or let her success go to her head like Mariah’s did after The Emancipation of Mimi was released. She even donates to charitable organizations, whilst her brothers’ homes go into foreclosure. She’s a lady who has displayed poise, elegance, and grace for the past 36 years.


Janet makes great music.

Where do we start? Control? Velvet Rope? Janet: Remixed? Nahn, let’s start with Janet’s best album to date….Dream Street. Where would Janet be without this album? On an escapade? Lost in disturbia? A better place is for damn sure because without the lead single and “Pretty Boy,” that album is travelling down a boulevard of broken dreams. Janet has crafted some of the best songs this generation has seen. From teaching kids the importance of an education, to letting everyone know it’s okay to have sex in public. She’s always tackling the important issues. Her albums are a story book of life, making it easier to relate to her music. The need for control teenagers feel, the necessity to change the world with rhythm nation, or overcoming personal issues behind the velvet rope, Janet’s heart is always in the right place. She’s got a song about everything. A song about sex, she’s got it. A song about racism, she’s got it. A song about the nuclear proliferation of Iran, she’s got it.


Janet is a great artist.

There’s no deny her art. The way she combines R&B and Pop, Dance with Bluegrass, and Rap with Alternative Christian, remains unparalleled. Her music videos are among the best. I have yet to see a video today that can compare to the stage presence of Pleasure Principle. Nor has any female released a video that can send a population of 12 year olds into puberty. Janet pushed the envelope and broke barriers. Rhythm Nation 1814, and Velvet Rope were both ahead of their time. No one was bold enough to openly speak out about AIDS, S&M, homosexuality, depression like Janet did on Velvet Rope. The album was socially unacceptable, and Virgin wanted Janet to change the lyrics. A&M was sketchy about Rhythm Nation 1814. Never before had a pop artist expressed socially conscious issues in mainstream music. But she was a defiant little tramp. She told them hoez no. She even had Tina and Buckey keep the blades in their purses, and one under the lacefront just in case the record execs wanted to pop off at the mouth. Well, she got her way. And America got two practically flawless albums. We have seen artists like Usher, Britney, Beyoncé, Ciara stealing copying drawing inspiration from formulas used in Janet albums, artistry displayed in her videos, 8-counts, and overall etiquette. The fact that people are still looking to work she did while artists of today were still hooked on phonics is a testament of greatness.


Janet teaches you the necessities of life.

I’ve been a devout member of the Rhythm Nation since 1993, 16 years strong. I’ve been with Janet through thick, and thin, literally. She let’s you experience the ups and downs of life. When I see pictures of her driving her $100,000 Porsche, I look at my bus pass in a whole new light. I know that there are always going to be people who are better than me. Even when Janet makes stupid choices, I stand by her. As fans, stans, and fair-weather fans, we stand by Janet when she’s selling millions, and when she’s selling hundreds. All while teaching us that life isn’t always going to be riveting with excitement. Feast your eyes on this spectacle:



Take notice of Janet’s purse. When I see Janet rocking a $2000 Louis Vuitton handbag, I look at my $20 wallet from Loehmann's and learn to stand tall in my Wrangler jeans and Keds. It’s not everyday you see someone as fashion forward as such. She has taught her fans that she will always be more famous than us. She will always have more money than us. And lastly, she will always weigh more than us, and somehow manage to lose it three weeks before the video shoot.

Janet is an inspiration.

During the 80s, few black artists were slowly crossing over to the pop world. The almighty Michallah Jackson was the first to break the barrier for MTV to play black artists' videos. At this time Michael was still black, so he still had some credibility with the knee grows. It wasn't until 1986 that we saw a black female artist finally make it big in the pop world (well two if you count Godney Houston). Growing up, who didn't wanna be one of Janet's backup dancers? She has inspired a generation to dance. Her songs have encouraged nappy head chillun our youth to get back into school. For many young people, particularly blacks, Janet has been the model for success since the 70s. We saw a black woman taking chances, breaking down barriers, and opening doors for blacks in the industry. She is who record lables are molding their artists to become.


Anywho, Janet’s birthday is coming up pretty soon, May 16th to be exact. Now some stans need to understand Janet’s birthday is not a nationally recognized holiday. Therefore please do not treat it as such. The last thing you want is to get fired from your job midway through the “If” breakdown. With May 16th afoot, I took the liberty of calling every Golden Corral in the tri-state area and warned the chef Janet may make a cameo. She’ll be accompanied by the Travelocity gnome. She’s going to be 43, and the media will be reporting her 13th pregnancy since last December.

So in closing, now you understand why there is so much admiration for Janhova Jackson. For the past 36 years she has been making her mark in music, movies, television, and more to come, if the hussy will ever get that lingerie line out. Becoming one of the best selling music artists in history, and the second most successful female artist behind beetlejuice Madonna. Maybe one day you’ll disown your favorite artist and step into the light…the light of our lawd and savoir Janhova Jackson.