The Legal System At Work

Good day.

It appears that our beloved Janet Jackson is back in court. The music industry has brought a class action lawsuit in her favor against other artists in the industry. The charges include copying without giving credit, stealing, calling her collect, and the likes. Due to my elite status in the Rhythmless Nation, I was able to attend the case which was heard in a Los Angeles third circuit court of the 1814th district. The transcripts were made available for jury, and I obtained them through careful planning and blackmail (I stole them). Here is the court case:

IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
FOR THE 1814th DISTRICT OF CALIFORNIA

Plaintiffs: Current Music Industry, et al.,:

: Case Number
vs. : 4:04-CV-02688
:
Defendants:
Various Artists of the Music Industry:

MORNING SESSION
TRANSCRIPT OF PROCEEDINGS
OF BENCH TRIAL


Before: Honorable Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin
Date: June 2, 2009

Place: Courtroom Number 2, 9th Floor
Federal Building
228 Rodeo Drive
Beverly Hills, California

COUNSEL PRESENT:
Queen of Disco, Donna Summer ESQ.
For - Plaintiffs

DEFENSE COUNSEL:
Defendants have chosen to represent themselves
For - Defendants

Snoop Dogg, RPR, CRR
Official Court Reporter

The honorable Judge Franklin presiding

Judge Franklin: Okay it is my understanding the music industry has filed a class action lawsuit in favor of a one Janet Jackson on the account of theft, among other things.

Judge Franklin: Ms. Summer, girl how have you been?

Summer: Chile, same old same old. The music industry has brought a class action law suit against the defense on the account of theft, as well as the other charges listed in the answer. We have solid proof the defense is trying to sabotage the legacy Janet Jackson has bestowed upon us.

Judge Franklin: how does the defense plea?

Beyoncé: Who’s the defense?

Judge Franklin: that would be you and others Ms. Knowles.

Beyoncé: Oh. Well we plea happy.

Brandy: Lord, we plea innocent.

Judge Franklin: I can see this is going to be a long day. Will the defense prove their case please?

Summer: Thank you your honor. We would first like to call Brandy to the witness stand.

She approaches the stand

Summer: Brandy, you were once relevant correct?

Brandy: Yes.

Summer: And what let to your downfall?

Brandy: Umm, probably when I lied to my fans about being married, and then my album didn’t do so well. It was then the public began to care less and less about me and my music.

Summer: So would you say you went into depression?

Brandy: I wouldn’t go that far, but to a certain extent.

Summer: So you did everything you could to stay relevant correct? That included trying to leech off the relevance Janet has correct?

Brandy: No. I tried not to copy what she does in hopes that someone could care about me. And it didn’t work.

Summer: So you decided to copy her just to see what would happen correct? Admit that you attacked her with irrelevance causing 20 Y.O to go unnoticed by the public.

Brandy: NO! she begins to cry I just want someone to care about me! Summer hands her a tissue and Brandy wipes one eye, while Summer wipes the other from across the room

Summer: Your honor, we rest our case. Brandy attacked our client with irrelevance, causing Janet to partially lose the popularity she once had prior to 2006.

Judge Franklin: Thank you Summer. That is all.

Summer: We would next like to call Monica to the witness stand.

Monica sits on the bench

Summer: Monica, how are you?

Monica: I’m doing fine this mernting.

Summer: Good. Monica, like Brandy, you were once relevant correct?

Monica: Yes.

Summer: Are you still receiving government assistance? I ask because I hear your album has been pushed back to the rings of Saturn, and I’m sure you’re low on funds.

Monica: Yes I am. I’m hoping to get my album out soon.

Summer: Terrific. You’re a project chick correct?

Monica: STRAIGHT OUT THE A!

Judge Franklin: Uh, Monica please refrain from using any gang insignia in my court room.

Monica: Sorry Judge. You know I just like to represent for my hometown.

Summer: You attempted to ruin Janet’s image by taking her to the West End mall in Atlanta, with all the negroes. You introduced her to acrylic press on nails, neon colored lacefronts, and outdoor strip malls correct?

Monica: I was just trying to introduce her to the finer things in life.

Summer: Well Ms. Monica, I don’t think the court would call hot water cornbread the finer things in life.

Monica: You don’t know what you’re missing.

Judge Franklin: Well the girl has a point. Patti Labelle cooked me some and I damn near slapped my momma because it was so good.

Monica and Judge Franklin slaps hands in agreement

Summer: Thank you Monica. We would now like to call Beyoncé to the stand.

Beyoncé stands up

Judge Franklin: Beyoncé are you going to approach the bench?

Beyoncé: Counsel Summer asked me to stand, so I did.

Judge Franklin shakes her head and asks Beyoncé to come sit on the bench

Summer: Beyoncé would you consider yourself to be a female version of a hustla, of a, of a hustla correct?

Beyoncé: One would agree, yes.

Summer: You’ve been "called out" if you will, on stealing ideas from others artists, dancers, meter maids, etc correct?

Matthew Knowles: OBJECTION!

Judge Franklin: Overruled. Sit your ass down.

Beyoncé: Umm, Daddy how should I answer this question?

Papa Matthew: Just do your best sweetie. continues filming as if it’s Beyoncé’s first birthday party

Beyoncé: Well you can say I “borrow” from other artists. I’m not the most original. I don’t have time to think up stuff. I’m too busy over exposing myself, ending other people’s careers, and running the game.

Summer: You performed at the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards correct?

Beyoncé: Yes I did.

Summer: And during the dance break, you performed a routine that is similar to that of Janet’s “Rhythm Nation.”

Beyoncé: Yes I did.

Summer: Did your fans think you were being original?

Beyoncé: Daddy doesn’t pay me to think.

Summer: Clearly. Did you think your fans would think that dance was original and no one would notice you stole it from Janet?

Beyoncé: Umm…

Summer: So your attempt was to steal her material in hopes the new generation of listeners would forget all about her. You want everything to be about you correct?

Beyoncé: No. That was not my intent. I always share the spotlight. I’m a caring person.

Summer: If you share the spotlight, how do you explain Ms. Kelly selling like corned beef, and Michelle’s album going double paper maché?

Beyoncé: Umm…

Summer: And how do you explain Solange’s album selling like ketchup packets?

Beyoncé: Umm…

Summer: Your honor the defense rests.

Judge Franklin: Would the plaintiff like to call their next defendant?

Summer: Yes, we would like to call Madonna to the stand.

Madonna gets her walker and approaches the bench

Summer: Madonna, you’ve been around since the Stone Age correct?

Madonna: I was born shortly after the invention of the wheel.

Summer: Madonna, you are jealous of Janet’s youthful looks correct? Don’t you know black don’t crack?

Madonna: I am aware now yes.

Summer: Were you attempting to attack my client with Liberty diabetes testing kits, Poligrip, and orthopedic lacefronts to make her look old?

Madonna: I wouldn’t go that far. Can I adopt her black baby to add to my collection?

Judge Franklin: Madonna step down from the bench.

Summer: We’d like to call Tina Knowles to the witness stand.

She passes out House of Dereon advertisements on her way. She sits with her House of Dereon alligator print pocketbook.

Summer: Ms. Knowles, you would agree your daughter is talented correct?

Ms. Knowles: Oh I think you were talking about Solange until you said talented. she chuckles

Summer: After the success of Beyoncé’s solo career, you attempted to bring Solange back into the spotlight. Why is that?

Ms. Knowles: Yes I did. I wanted the world to see my family’s talents. So I supported her. I know she can’t sing, but I’m one of those parents who likes to deny the truth.

Summer: Clearly.

Ms. Knowles: I wanted to create a family that would stand the test of time, show the world their talents, set standards for the music industry, and influence a generation of wannabes.

Summer: You wanted to recreate the Jackson family?

Ms. Knowles: No. We’re different from the Jacksons.

Summer: How so?

Ms. Knowles: Our last name is Knowles.

Janet: Jesus take the wheel.

Summer: Well, I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. We’d like to call Usher to the stand.

Usher glides across the floor to the stand

Summer: Usher, do you know Michael Jackson is not a genre of music?

Usher: Yes he is. And Janet is a movement.

Summer: Usher, they’re human beings just like you and me.

Usher: in a high pitched voice HEEE HEEEEEE! GIMME A BEAT!

Judge Franklin: Usher, no sir. Step down.

Summer: We’d now like to call Britney Spears to the stand.

Britney approaches the bench and nearly drops her child on the court room floor

Janet: Jesus be a fence.

Summer: Britney Spears, you would consider yourself an emotional train wreck correct?



Britney: The paparazzi would agree.

Summer: Britney, you are also a bad parent correct?

Britney: Only according to Child Protective Services.

Summer: Britney, you once had talent correct?

Britney: Yes.

Summer: Janet is your main influence correct?

Britney: Yes.

Summer: So don’t you think she watches you from time to time?

Britney: One could make that assumption.

Summer: So would you say she was watching you during those years when you were portrayed in the media as a bad parent?

Britney: Does she own a television?

Beyoncé: For goodness sake roll eyes

Summer: So you wanted to show Janet how to be a parent to her infant child?

Britney: Umm, I wouldn’t say that. I’m a good parent. Though I lost my children to someone whose parenting skills is equivalent to The Pope’s his rap skills, that doesn’t mean I’m a bad parent.

Snoop: Someone get her before she continues to embarrass herself.

Summer: We’d like to call Michael Jackson to the stand.

Michael: shy soft spoken voice Hi everyone.

Summer: Michael I’m sure you’re accustomed to being in this position.

Michael: I am.

Summer: Michael, would you agree that Janet is prettier than you?

Michael: Before or after my metamorphosis?

Summer: Take your pick.

Michael: Yes.

Summer: Would you agree that Janet out-danced you in “Scream?”

Michael: I tried. And my Tylenol Arthritis medicine wasn’t working. So yes she did.

Janet: Told you the truth would set you free Mike.

Michael: Shut up.

they both laugh

Summer: Michael, you tried to attack Janet with a publicity stunt to ruin her career. That became Super Bowl 2004. Your honor, don’t you find it a coincidence that Michael’s trial and the Super Bowl incident were both in 2004?

Judge Franklin: Yes I do. Snoop Dogg, I do not allow smoking weed in my court room.

Bobby Brown: WHO GOT WEED!?

Snoop: My bad Judge I’m just trying to get my smoke on.

Summer: Thank you Michael. We’d like to call Chris and Bobby Brown to the stand.

they approach the bench and sit

Summer: Now Chris, it is my understanding that you and then girlfriend Rihanna were what one would call a domestic dispute correct?

Bobby: Yeah he “Chris Browned” that hoe! laughs hysterically

Chris: Yes, I was.

Summer: You were trying to send a message to Jermaine Dupri that if Janet steps out of line he should follow suit.

Janet: under her breath I wish that negro would…

Summer: Bobby, were you trying to give Jermaine ideas from you and Whitney’s relationship.

Bobby: I just want Jermaine to assert his dominance as man of the pride. Aint nothing wrong with that.

Whitney: BOBBAAAY! BOBBAAAY! You better act right up on that stand!

Summer: Thank you two for your testimony. Your honor we’d like to call witness Mariah Carey to the stand.

she walks over in 8 inch heels and a mini skirt

Summer: Mariah, you’ve been around for some time correct?

Mariah: Yes dahling I have.

Judge Franklin: begins singing “…touch my body / put me on the floor…” pauses I’m sorry, continue.

Summer: Would you say the testimonies given today have some truth.

Mariah: Yes, we all know Beyoncé is a thief. Madonna, I haven’t paid attention to her since I was in 7th grade when she used to be popular.

Madonna: Bitch.

Mariah: Jealous much old hag?

Madonna: You will never be me.

Mariah: I don’t even think you want to be you.

Janet: I don’t think anyone wants to be Madonna.

Michael: What's a Madonna?

Judge Franklin: Enough. Continue with the questioning.

Summer: Mariah, would you say as of late, artists have been trying to sabotage Janet’s career?

Mariah: I concur dahling.

Summer: Thank you Mariah. We’d next like to call Rihanna to the stand.

she stumbles to the chair

Rihanna: Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh

Summer: Thank you for that mating call. However this isn’t the time or place for that.

Rihanna: Oh I’m sorry.

Summer: Rihanna, you classify yourself as a singer correct?

Rihanna: I guess you could use that term loosely.

Summer: Indeed we will. You sound like a frog having a mastectomy.

Rihanna: Oh.

Summer: You were signed to Def Jam in 2005, and in 2007 LA Reid stole Fefe Dobson’s look and gave it to you correct?

Rihanna: Correct.

Summer: Rihanna, do you have any control over your career?

Rihanna: I control my….no.

Summer: Exactly. Janet was signed to Island Def Jam in 2008. Did you or did you not tell Janet to let LA Reid take over her career and to not go against what he says?

Rihanna: You have no proof of that.

Summer: We have photographic proof:



Summer: So again, would you like to answer the question?

Rihanna: Yes, I told her that. I figured what LA did with me, he could do with Janet.

Summer: Are you familiar with Janet’s album Control?

Rihanna: Yes, that’s where we got the idea for Good Girl Gone Bad.

Summer: So you know Janet likes to be in control. You tried to sabotage Janet’s career by telling her to let others control it. You barely control your breath, let alone your career. Your honor I rest my case.

Judge Franklin: Thank you Counsel Summer.

the court room door opens

Christina Milan: Hi everyone, I work down the street at KFC, and Oprah is having a special for a free two piece and a biscuit.

Janet: We need to speed things up or break for recess or something.

Judge Franklin: I’m hungry too. Court is adjourned for recess. We will continue this case thereafter.