Cut Short

Good day ladies and gents.

I have some terrible news. Shortly before 12 am Eastern Standard Time, the African-American community was set back 15 years. The cause of the set back occurred shortly after the end of the 2009 BET Awards. More than half of the show was an utter mess. It seemed like a cross between the Ms. Ghetto Superstar Pageant off Crenshaw blvd and the Vibe Awards. There were some high points (the commercials), and there were some low points (the show). However the show’s saving grace was none other than Ms. Janet Jackson.


As you may not know the BET Awards was extended an extra hour to accommodate the “Michael Jackson Tribute.” Needless to say, there was no true “tribute.” Janet emerged towards the end of the show looking flawless




Ms Jackson (because I’m nasty) came out unexpectedly to everyone’s surprise and was greeted with a standing ovation, which is what you are supposed to do when the woman who has fed 5000 people with two fishes and five loaves of bread has entered the room. Due to time restraints her speech was cut short. However, I have obtained the statement Janet was to make that she would read from the teleprompter. Do not ask how I got them, just know what I had to do to get them was no simple task. It’s a long story. I will not talk about it now. Anywho, here is what Janet originally submitted to the award’s director. As follows:

“My entire family wanted to be here tonight. But it was just too painful. So they elected me to speak with all of you. And I’m going to keep it very short but I’d just like to say that, to you Michael is an icon. To us, Michael is family. And he will forever live in all of our hearts. On behalf of my family, and myself, thank you for all of your love, thank you for all of your support. We miss him so much. Thank you so much.”

That’s all you saw due to some crafty editing. But if you look closely towards the end, you see the camera angle change. That’s when the end of the second part of her speech. Here is what was edited out:

“And I’d just like to add a couple more things. I’ve been watching the show from the green room and I just have to say, this is a disgrace. This tribute is disgrace to my brother, the black community, and a disgrace to sick cats at the Los Angeles humane society. I’m not sure where to start with this nonsense.

First off let me just address the attire. Back in 1778 when Madonna and I attended award shows, we came dressed appropriately. We’ve got everything from Vogue to the JC Penny catalogue represented here. Ladies, it’s time to put the denim Capri pants and backless knot halter shirts away. You girls kill me with your Macy’s sales rack prom dresses. Gentlemen, Armani and Jordan’s do not mix. Whoever told you formal suits and sneakers was chic lied. You can rent your jewelry, but can’t rent a tux? Please.

I see New Edition opened the show. I must admit that was a rather nice performance. But I’m not sure whose idea it was to dress you all to look like the Quaker man on the oatmeal box. Bless your souls.

Ms. Keri. Please don’t ever do that again. As if my brother’s untimely death is enough for America to bear, you got on stage and did that. My goodness it was like watching 9/11 all over again.

And the same goes for you Ciara. Stick to copying the dance moves I did 20 years ago because singing is clearly not for you. It was like listening to a whale get a vasectomy.

By the way, why did Keke Palmer outsing half of the "singers" in here? Thank you. That was very nice Ms. Palmer.

I’d also like to congratulate Beyoncé for winning the Beyoncé Knowles award, also known as Best R&B Female. That was a great performance, but you lost me. Was that a dress or a parachute? Stop letting your mother make your dresses.

*sighs*

The “hip-hop” performances. Jesus give me strength. Soulja Boy. Well I applaud you for wearing clothes that actually fit. But what in the hell? That performance…were you serious? You sounded like an Alaskan Moose being artificially inseminated and looked like Gumby running around the stage.

Just when I thought the show had hit a low, Drake and Lil’ Wayne, Weezy, I Fuck My Manager For Tracks, whatever you’re going by these days, took the stage. We had officially been set back 15 years at that point. BET couldn’t even censor out the vulgarities without it looking like a silent movie. I don’t want to hear about a woman’s pussy farts, premature ejaculation, or your erectile dysfunction. Save it for your personal care physician.

I’d like to thank Ne-Yo for his rendition of “The Lady In My Life.” You gave me a sense hope that this show could be saved. Sadly my dreams came to an end following Ciara’s performance.

The O’Jay’s tribute is the definition of a tribute. That, ladies and gentlemen is the definition of a tribute, not this nonsense you put on Debra Lee. You see young children, back in their day, they had talent. It’s a shame they gave the best performance of the night. How the hell you let 50 and 60 year old men outperform you is beyond me. Sad. Oh and after Don Cornelius’ speech, I now see why the show was extended by an hour. I think half of us went through menopause before your speech was over.

I applaud all of your efforts, but my black people, this show, as well as the tribute, was an utter mess. Like Diana Ross said, we don’t have to do some of the things we are doing to have longevity in our careers. It is an embarrassment to BET, the legacy Michael has set, and to the struggle of blacks during the Civil Rights Movement. The performances some were good, some shouldn’t have been televised, and some of you should be skinned alive. I won’t name names. We need to get it together. The attire, the way we carry ourselves, the performances, and everything else needs to be stepped up. I’ve seen bloods and crypts uphold higher standards of etiquette.

With that being said, I’d like to than you all for your support, your love, and your time. Michael will forever live in all of our hearts. We miss him very much. However we can not mourn his death, but celebrate his life and his legacy.

Thank you.

R.I.P Michael Jackson

Round And Round We Go

Good day single ladies and jumpoffs.

Well, as you can see, Rhythmless Nation Inc. is under new management. We went through a corporate restructuring, and now have a new look. If you don’t like it, live with it.


I have some very devastating news to report. Janet Jackson Forum has died. I received word from my internet browser that http://www.janetjacksonforum.net/ was no longer in existence when I tried to access the site. Yes, these are very trying times for JJF regulars. Well there’s Angie’s board. But JJF is like a BMW, while Angie’s board is like a new Kia. Things just won’t be the same. There were so many classic moments on JJF. There were so many things that were revealed during the Angie Winfrey Show. UKbrad and Sweetdream’s epic “influence” on the board. That stupid mistake Mariahisthequeen made. That dumbass account “Janet=flop.” Seanbrodie, NextJJ, and so many others. And most importantly, how many threads I saw pop up every 30 seconds about people not liking “Weekend.” May 1, 2006, the day that will live in JJF infamy. So now we must lay JJF to rest (for the time being):






Funeral services for Janet Jackson Forum will be on July 1, 2009 at the First Street AME Episcopalian Baptist Church. The family will receive friends at 1814 Control Street for the viewing, and at Angie’s board for the reception. Janet Jackson Forum was the official forum during the All For You, Damita Jo, and 20 Y.O. eras for superstar Janet Jackson. Janet news, many fights, and cock shots were transmitted on this board. We have only our memories to remind of this great place. Janet Jackson Forum has gone on to be with the Lord.

Janet Jackson Forum is survived by siblings Janet-Xone, Janet-Love, Janet-Journey, Janet Media, and Janet-Online.

The burial will take place at http://www.archive.org/.

Angie has decided to have an open casket ceremony:









One woman was unable to take the news:




Janet Jackson Forum has gone on to be with the Lord.




Okay, well now that we’ve laid JJF to rest, let’s move on.


Well as guaranteed, we start with who is important, Janet Jackson. There isn’t much going on with Janet this month. I’m sure you’ve seen those pictures of her landing in London:







Yes, she’s looking good. And let’s hope Janet has a new stylist, because we all know Janet’s sense of fashion has never been red carpet couture. And here’s our savior a week later with Prince Azim



Janet, it’s time you act look your age. Lastly, Janet is off to start filming the second installment of Why Did I Get Married?. Thank you to the sound engineer on Twitter keeping the Janet stalkers abreast on Janet’s life.


So on Tuesday Mariah decided to insult American intelligence by releasing this nonsense:





Now, I’m not too sure what he goal was for this song, but Mariah Daily says it was to “diss” if you will, rapper Eminem. Don’t ask. Well Mariah, just be ready for the backlash. He’s going to attack you and rip you a new octave if he chooses to rebuttal. Is he going to talk about that gust of air Mariah calls a voice? Will he address Emanuel Lewis Mariah has for a husband? Is he going to talk about that debacle of a performance at the Inaugural Ball? I don’t know, stay tuned and find out!


In black music history, on June 30, 1975, the legendary Natalie Cole released this classic:



The song topped the R&B chart, and peaked at #6 on the Hot 100. She went on to win Best New Artist at the Grammys, and winning Best R&B Vocal Female successfully ending Aretha’s 8 year streak, and pretty much ending Aretha’s career in the latter half of the 1970s.


Rihanna isn’t really a black artist. However the Slave Trade says she is. So I guess I can give her a little bit of shine. Rihanna’s new song leaked the other day. I guess she’s putting out albums more often than I fill up my tank. You can preview it here. I haven’t listened to the song in full, and probably wont, but I did enjoy the first 30 seconds. That’s all my music tolerance level could take from her. I didn’t like it so I had to put an “X” on it. Now that her face is back in place, she’s ready to testify against Chris Tyson in court. You can check that story out here on Rihanna Daily.


The mother ship has landed:



Yes, ladies and gents, Queen Beysus has arrived with her US leg of her I Am…The Shit World Tour. Rolling Stone is already giving her good reviews which you can read here. Now it’s time for Beyoncé to see if she can match Britney’s gross, which she wont. However she will definitely give the better show. Because come on folks, Britney’s “show” is nothing more than her backup dancers running around the stage. She’s not the ringleader in this spectacle. If you don’t have tickets to see the best performer of this generation, I suggest you get on Ticketmaster and purchase some tickets for your nearest town.


If you didn’t catch TvOne’s documentary on 80s R&B group Shalamar, I urge you to watch it. They were one of the pioneering sounds in R&B during the 80s only rivaled by Atlantic Starr. You may have heard this masterpiece:



So if you haven’t seen it, it’s on Youtube. If not catch it on TvOne.


There isn’t much going on in the rap world. Well I don’t pay attention to rap really. If it’s not 2pac, Snoop, or a few others than I just don’t care. Egotistical maniac Kanye West decided to hop on Beyoncé’s song “Ego.” Why? I don’t know. The song was just fine before he made it cliché. Allegedly, Black Eye Peas member Will.I.Am assaulted media queen Perez Hilton.



I only have one thing to say:



That’ll teach him to run his mouth about Janet and Michael. We don’t play that.

Speaking of our other savior, there have been major developments in the Michael Jackson – Raymone Baine case. Apparently this woman is suing for $44 million, which of course she won’t even get half of what she’s suing for. Suing Michael for money is growing tiresome. It was cute in the late 80s and early 90s, but at this point it’s just overkill. Anyway, as scheduled, his shows will go on for his UK “This Is It” tour. Word is Janet is supposed to be performing as well. At this point, MJ can’t afford to get outshined by his little sis again. We all know the first time it occurred....

We Are Family

Good day folks.


Well as you may not know, June 1st began the start of Black Music Month. So you see we get two months out the year. does the Bankhead bounce. Anywho, I originally started this blog to celebrate all of the black artists past or present that have made a difference in the black community. However, it seemed the only person who really mattered to my generation is Janet Jackson. And my ideas went out the window. You’ll live.

So today, and probably for the rest of the month, I will try my best to celebrate black artists. I’ll try and make a round of all of the black artists that have new projects afoot, successful or flop.

So let’s start with what’s most important:



As reported earlier, Tyler Perry is working on the second installment of Why Did I Get Married. The cast will feature the same ensemble as the original. One of the Janet-Xone stalkers was kind enough to hunt down Lamman Rucker for information and he told the “informant” that the movie is based on the three couples 3 years later. And what’s even better, our Perfect Patty is going to have a bigger role. I expect Perfect Patti to get an Academy Award nomination, as well as Golden Globe, SAG, Primetime Emmy, and Source Award nominations and wins. And maybe the other actors will actually win an award, seeing how Janet was the only person to win an award from the first film.

So next we have Usher Raymond.



An avid fan of the Jackson clan, I can do nothing but give him the utmost respect. Because let’s face it kids, Beysus and Usher are the pretty much the same. They’re the only two black artists we’ve got running the industry. Beysus has been outselling the girls (except Alicia Keys) since she came out. And Usher has been outselling just about everyone. So as we know, Usher has an album coming out that will be titled "Monster." Now let’s hope this album is the monster “Confessions” was back in 2004, considering Here I Stand didn't do as well. This negro is the reason why Janet had to settle for #2 on the Billboard 200. Bitch. Also, Usher is said to be divorcing his wife whatsherface. Now we don’t know if this is true, but keep hope alive. I know the girls think Usher can do better. So girls, time to go back to the closet and get those freakum dresses out. And to maintain standards:

Here are a few examples of acceptable freakum dresses to wear on your person:











Here are a few examples of unacceptable freakum dresses to wear on your person (viewer discretion is advised):










Okay kids, learn the difference.

Next we have “The Voice”, Ms. Whitney Houston.



As we know there have been reports of Whitney in the studio working on an album since back when gas was $1.23 a gallon. But now ladies and gents, the wait has ended. Ms. Whitney Houston finally gets a release date; September 1, 2009. Yes chillun, Whitney Houston is coming back. Now that she’s put down the pipe and picked up a microphone, we can expect a single out late June – early July. Now we know he’s voice isn’t strong enough to pull off those old power ballads, so it’ll be interesting to see what she sounds like. Will she out-sing everyone like she did in the 80s and 90s? Will she get good reviews? Will she sell? Stay tuned and find out.



Also releasing an album this year is Mariah Carey












I joke I joke...anyway, we have Mariah:



Welp, the kids on Mariah Daily have a ticker for the release of Mariah’s next single, “Obsessed.” I don’t know why, but I’m kind of excited. Let’s all pray that her voice is back in shape. After she screwed up put a new spin on “Hero” at the Inaugural Ball, I’m sure we’re all rooting for her to come back. However the drawback is I pretty much know what to expect from the single and album. Here’s the layout of the album that is to be released:

1. A song about wanting to be with some man
2. A song about being with some man
3. A song about pain in a relationship
4. An inspirational song
5. A rent-a-rapper song
6. A song about having lost a man
7. A song about wanting a lost man to come back

That’s pretty much how albums 1-11 have played out. Let’s see if she can come with something different this time. Don’t hold your breath.


Finally, a great woman once said:

"I have tried to keep the standards high…we do not have to use the F-word, we do not have to pump and grind, we do not have to do some of these things to have longevity in our career."

That great woman is The Boss:



The quote comes from the Source Awards…which is now called the BET Awards. The quote was made in 2007, as Diana Ross was accepting her award for Lifetime Achievement. Was she speaking about Beyoncé getting bodied in her Dereon petal pushers? Was she speaking about 50 Cent running around the Shrine Auditorium like a slave being read their 14th Amendment rights? Was she speaking on artists showing up with their parole officers? Well anyway, the point is, she has tried to maintain standards in the music industry. With that being said, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, my soul can not take:











My sentiments exactly. I came across this coonery as I was browsing BW. I don’t post that often because the kids there don’t know how to respect your opinion. But anyhow, this is half-talent T-Pain's new $410,000 investment. I'm in a state of shock, and 3 heartbeats away from cardiac arrest. What have black artists come to? This is what they’re spending their money on? All this success and this is all we have to show for it? Oversized chains to validate inflated egos? Diamond encrusted chains to show off to the world? My poor soul can not take such coonery. I’ll leave you with this because I’m about to go to sleep. I’m tired. Get your thoughts together and we will address this at a later date.

The Legal System At Work

Good day.

It appears that our beloved Janet Jackson is back in court. The music industry has brought a class action lawsuit in her favor against other artists in the industry. The charges include copying without giving credit, stealing, calling her collect, and the likes. Due to my elite status in the Rhythmless Nation, I was able to attend the case which was heard in a Los Angeles third circuit court of the 1814th district. The transcripts were made available for jury, and I obtained them through careful planning and blackmail (I stole them). Here is the court case:

IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
FOR THE 1814th DISTRICT OF CALIFORNIA

Plaintiffs: Current Music Industry, et al.,:

: Case Number
vs. : 4:04-CV-02688
:
Defendants:
Various Artists of the Music Industry:

MORNING SESSION
TRANSCRIPT OF PROCEEDINGS
OF BENCH TRIAL


Before: Honorable Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin
Date: June 2, 2009

Place: Courtroom Number 2, 9th Floor
Federal Building
228 Rodeo Drive
Beverly Hills, California

COUNSEL PRESENT:
Queen of Disco, Donna Summer ESQ.
For - Plaintiffs

DEFENSE COUNSEL:
Defendants have chosen to represent themselves
For - Defendants

Snoop Dogg, RPR, CRR
Official Court Reporter

The honorable Judge Franklin presiding

Judge Franklin: Okay it is my understanding the music industry has filed a class action lawsuit in favor of a one Janet Jackson on the account of theft, among other things.

Judge Franklin: Ms. Summer, girl how have you been?

Summer: Chile, same old same old. The music industry has brought a class action law suit against the defense on the account of theft, as well as the other charges listed in the answer. We have solid proof the defense is trying to sabotage the legacy Janet Jackson has bestowed upon us.

Judge Franklin: how does the defense plea?

Beyoncé: Who’s the defense?

Judge Franklin: that would be you and others Ms. Knowles.

Beyoncé: Oh. Well we plea happy.

Brandy: Lord, we plea innocent.

Judge Franklin: I can see this is going to be a long day. Will the defense prove their case please?

Summer: Thank you your honor. We would first like to call Brandy to the witness stand.

She approaches the stand

Summer: Brandy, you were once relevant correct?

Brandy: Yes.

Summer: And what let to your downfall?

Brandy: Umm, probably when I lied to my fans about being married, and then my album didn’t do so well. It was then the public began to care less and less about me and my music.

Summer: So would you say you went into depression?

Brandy: I wouldn’t go that far, but to a certain extent.

Summer: So you did everything you could to stay relevant correct? That included trying to leech off the relevance Janet has correct?

Brandy: No. I tried not to copy what she does in hopes that someone could care about me. And it didn’t work.

Summer: So you decided to copy her just to see what would happen correct? Admit that you attacked her with irrelevance causing 20 Y.O to go unnoticed by the public.

Brandy: NO! she begins to cry I just want someone to care about me! Summer hands her a tissue and Brandy wipes one eye, while Summer wipes the other from across the room

Summer: Your honor, we rest our case. Brandy attacked our client with irrelevance, causing Janet to partially lose the popularity she once had prior to 2006.

Judge Franklin: Thank you Summer. That is all.

Summer: We would next like to call Monica to the witness stand.

Monica sits on the bench

Summer: Monica, how are you?

Monica: I’m doing fine this mernting.

Summer: Good. Monica, like Brandy, you were once relevant correct?

Monica: Yes.

Summer: Are you still receiving government assistance? I ask because I hear your album has been pushed back to the rings of Saturn, and I’m sure you’re low on funds.

Monica: Yes I am. I’m hoping to get my album out soon.

Summer: Terrific. You’re a project chick correct?

Monica: STRAIGHT OUT THE A!

Judge Franklin: Uh, Monica please refrain from using any gang insignia in my court room.

Monica: Sorry Judge. You know I just like to represent for my hometown.

Summer: You attempted to ruin Janet’s image by taking her to the West End mall in Atlanta, with all the negroes. You introduced her to acrylic press on nails, neon colored lacefronts, and outdoor strip malls correct?

Monica: I was just trying to introduce her to the finer things in life.

Summer: Well Ms. Monica, I don’t think the court would call hot water cornbread the finer things in life.

Monica: You don’t know what you’re missing.

Judge Franklin: Well the girl has a point. Patti Labelle cooked me some and I damn near slapped my momma because it was so good.

Monica and Judge Franklin slaps hands in agreement

Summer: Thank you Monica. We would now like to call Beyoncé to the stand.

Beyoncé stands up

Judge Franklin: Beyoncé are you going to approach the bench?

Beyoncé: Counsel Summer asked me to stand, so I did.

Judge Franklin shakes her head and asks Beyoncé to come sit on the bench

Summer: Beyoncé would you consider yourself to be a female version of a hustla, of a, of a hustla correct?

Beyoncé: One would agree, yes.

Summer: You’ve been "called out" if you will, on stealing ideas from others artists, dancers, meter maids, etc correct?

Matthew Knowles: OBJECTION!

Judge Franklin: Overruled. Sit your ass down.

Beyoncé: Umm, Daddy how should I answer this question?

Papa Matthew: Just do your best sweetie. continues filming as if it’s Beyoncé’s first birthday party

Beyoncé: Well you can say I “borrow” from other artists. I’m not the most original. I don’t have time to think up stuff. I’m too busy over exposing myself, ending other people’s careers, and running the game.

Summer: You performed at the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards correct?

Beyoncé: Yes I did.

Summer: And during the dance break, you performed a routine that is similar to that of Janet’s “Rhythm Nation.”

Beyoncé: Yes I did.

Summer: Did your fans think you were being original?

Beyoncé: Daddy doesn’t pay me to think.

Summer: Clearly. Did you think your fans would think that dance was original and no one would notice you stole it from Janet?

Beyoncé: Umm…

Summer: So your attempt was to steal her material in hopes the new generation of listeners would forget all about her. You want everything to be about you correct?

Beyoncé: No. That was not my intent. I always share the spotlight. I’m a caring person.

Summer: If you share the spotlight, how do you explain Ms. Kelly selling like corned beef, and Michelle’s album going double paper maché?

Beyoncé: Umm…

Summer: And how do you explain Solange’s album selling like ketchup packets?

Beyoncé: Umm…

Summer: Your honor the defense rests.

Judge Franklin: Would the plaintiff like to call their next defendant?

Summer: Yes, we would like to call Madonna to the stand.

Madonna gets her walker and approaches the bench

Summer: Madonna, you’ve been around since the Stone Age correct?

Madonna: I was born shortly after the invention of the wheel.

Summer: Madonna, you are jealous of Janet’s youthful looks correct? Don’t you know black don’t crack?

Madonna: I am aware now yes.

Summer: Were you attempting to attack my client with Liberty diabetes testing kits, Poligrip, and orthopedic lacefronts to make her look old?

Madonna: I wouldn’t go that far. Can I adopt her black baby to add to my collection?

Judge Franklin: Madonna step down from the bench.

Summer: We’d like to call Tina Knowles to the witness stand.

She passes out House of Dereon advertisements on her way. She sits with her House of Dereon alligator print pocketbook.

Summer: Ms. Knowles, you would agree your daughter is talented correct?

Ms. Knowles: Oh I think you were talking about Solange until you said talented. she chuckles

Summer: After the success of Beyoncé’s solo career, you attempted to bring Solange back into the spotlight. Why is that?

Ms. Knowles: Yes I did. I wanted the world to see my family’s talents. So I supported her. I know she can’t sing, but I’m one of those parents who likes to deny the truth.

Summer: Clearly.

Ms. Knowles: I wanted to create a family that would stand the test of time, show the world their talents, set standards for the music industry, and influence a generation of wannabes.

Summer: You wanted to recreate the Jackson family?

Ms. Knowles: No. We’re different from the Jacksons.

Summer: How so?

Ms. Knowles: Our last name is Knowles.

Janet: Jesus take the wheel.

Summer: Well, I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. We’d like to call Usher to the stand.

Usher glides across the floor to the stand

Summer: Usher, do you know Michael Jackson is not a genre of music?

Usher: Yes he is. And Janet is a movement.

Summer: Usher, they’re human beings just like you and me.

Usher: in a high pitched voice HEEE HEEEEEE! GIMME A BEAT!

Judge Franklin: Usher, no sir. Step down.

Summer: We’d now like to call Britney Spears to the stand.

Britney approaches the bench and nearly drops her child on the court room floor

Janet: Jesus be a fence.

Summer: Britney Spears, you would consider yourself an emotional train wreck correct?



Britney: The paparazzi would agree.

Summer: Britney, you are also a bad parent correct?

Britney: Only according to Child Protective Services.

Summer: Britney, you once had talent correct?

Britney: Yes.

Summer: Janet is your main influence correct?

Britney: Yes.

Summer: So don’t you think she watches you from time to time?

Britney: One could make that assumption.

Summer: So would you say she was watching you during those years when you were portrayed in the media as a bad parent?

Britney: Does she own a television?

Beyoncé: For goodness sake roll eyes

Summer: So you wanted to show Janet how to be a parent to her infant child?

Britney: Umm, I wouldn’t say that. I’m a good parent. Though I lost my children to someone whose parenting skills is equivalent to The Pope’s his rap skills, that doesn’t mean I’m a bad parent.

Snoop: Someone get her before she continues to embarrass herself.

Summer: We’d like to call Michael Jackson to the stand.

Michael: shy soft spoken voice Hi everyone.

Summer: Michael I’m sure you’re accustomed to being in this position.

Michael: I am.

Summer: Michael, would you agree that Janet is prettier than you?

Michael: Before or after my metamorphosis?

Summer: Take your pick.

Michael: Yes.

Summer: Would you agree that Janet out-danced you in “Scream?”

Michael: I tried. And my Tylenol Arthritis medicine wasn’t working. So yes she did.

Janet: Told you the truth would set you free Mike.

Michael: Shut up.

they both laugh

Summer: Michael, you tried to attack Janet with a publicity stunt to ruin her career. That became Super Bowl 2004. Your honor, don’t you find it a coincidence that Michael’s trial and the Super Bowl incident were both in 2004?

Judge Franklin: Yes I do. Snoop Dogg, I do not allow smoking weed in my court room.

Bobby Brown: WHO GOT WEED!?

Snoop: My bad Judge I’m just trying to get my smoke on.

Summer: Thank you Michael. We’d like to call Chris and Bobby Brown to the stand.

they approach the bench and sit

Summer: Now Chris, it is my understanding that you and then girlfriend Rihanna were what one would call a domestic dispute correct?

Bobby: Yeah he “Chris Browned” that hoe! laughs hysterically

Chris: Yes, I was.

Summer: You were trying to send a message to Jermaine Dupri that if Janet steps out of line he should follow suit.

Janet: under her breath I wish that negro would…

Summer: Bobby, were you trying to give Jermaine ideas from you and Whitney’s relationship.

Bobby: I just want Jermaine to assert his dominance as man of the pride. Aint nothing wrong with that.

Whitney: BOBBAAAY! BOBBAAAY! You better act right up on that stand!

Summer: Thank you two for your testimony. Your honor we’d like to call witness Mariah Carey to the stand.

she walks over in 8 inch heels and a mini skirt

Summer: Mariah, you’ve been around for some time correct?

Mariah: Yes dahling I have.

Judge Franklin: begins singing “…touch my body / put me on the floor…” pauses I’m sorry, continue.

Summer: Would you say the testimonies given today have some truth.

Mariah: Yes, we all know Beyoncé is a thief. Madonna, I haven’t paid attention to her since I was in 7th grade when she used to be popular.

Madonna: Bitch.

Mariah: Jealous much old hag?

Madonna: You will never be me.

Mariah: I don’t even think you want to be you.

Janet: I don’t think anyone wants to be Madonna.

Michael: What's a Madonna?

Judge Franklin: Enough. Continue with the questioning.

Summer: Mariah, would you say as of late, artists have been trying to sabotage Janet’s career?

Mariah: I concur dahling.

Summer: Thank you Mariah. We’d next like to call Rihanna to the stand.

she stumbles to the chair

Rihanna: Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh

Summer: Thank you for that mating call. However this isn’t the time or place for that.

Rihanna: Oh I’m sorry.

Summer: Rihanna, you classify yourself as a singer correct?

Rihanna: I guess you could use that term loosely.

Summer: Indeed we will. You sound like a frog having a mastectomy.

Rihanna: Oh.

Summer: You were signed to Def Jam in 2005, and in 2007 LA Reid stole Fefe Dobson’s look and gave it to you correct?

Rihanna: Correct.

Summer: Rihanna, do you have any control over your career?

Rihanna: I control my….no.

Summer: Exactly. Janet was signed to Island Def Jam in 2008. Did you or did you not tell Janet to let LA Reid take over her career and to not go against what he says?

Rihanna: You have no proof of that.

Summer: We have photographic proof:



Summer: So again, would you like to answer the question?

Rihanna: Yes, I told her that. I figured what LA did with me, he could do with Janet.

Summer: Are you familiar with Janet’s album Control?

Rihanna: Yes, that’s where we got the idea for Good Girl Gone Bad.

Summer: So you know Janet likes to be in control. You tried to sabotage Janet’s career by telling her to let others control it. You barely control your breath, let alone your career. Your honor I rest my case.

Judge Franklin: Thank you Counsel Summer.

the court room door opens

Christina Milan: Hi everyone, I work down the street at KFC, and Oprah is having a special for a free two piece and a biscuit.

Janet: We need to speed things up or break for recess or something.

Judge Franklin: I’m hungry too. Court is adjourned for recess. We will continue this case thereafter.