10 Reasons Why You Hate On Janet

I know it’s been some time since the last post, but I’ve been busy. Yes, running with the bulls in Spain, and going door-to-door spreading the gospel of our beloved Janet Jackson on Saturday mornings at 8 a.m. passing out Rhythm Nation pamphlets and “Make Me” advertisements. Yes kids, “Make Me” is now available on iTunes. I’m not the best at keeping people informed about what is going on with Janet. But if you want to know up-to-date information, always check out the Rhythmless Sister City Janet Central. They have all the tea on Ms. Janet.



Anyway, I was sitting in class bored out of my mind reflecting on the week’s events, thinking about the routine things: how much work I could have done yesterday that I didn’t do, how many days until I get my next unemployment check, and Janet. In my attempts to understand why people hate on others, be it Janet, Michael, Beyoncé, Elmer Fud, whoever. So I came to 10 conclusions as to why people take pleasure in hating on Janet:



1. She’s a Jackson.

Janet is the youngest child of 9, not including Joe’s bastard child. But she’s SOMEWHAT part of the family, so I guess we here at the Rhythmless headquarters can support her. She even has her own blog. But anyway, you hate Janet because she’s a Jackson. She is the youngest member of the greatest entertaining family of all time, and the most successful family in music, and music royalty. She’s part of a dynasty that many of your favorite artists strive to emulate, but sadly fail miserably. At one point, every member of the Jackson family was successful. Yes, even LaToya. I know it pains you that your faves can’t be part of the Jackson family, but that’s the way love goes. It’s human nature. Keep trying; the Osmonds couldn’t stop the Jacksons. The Knowles can’t do it. The Debarge’s tried it by marrying one of the loose cannons. Keep dreaming, I know it hurts, but you’ll get over it.



2. She’s a flop.

For quite some time, it has been reported that Janet has sold over 100 million records worldwide. For a solo artist, that’s quite impressive. And to think she didn’t have to piggy back and use a group’s sales figures with her own solo sales to make her sales APPEAR more impressive. There are only a few artists who have sold over 100 million records. Others are just jealous because they know their faves can barely sell their image, let alone an album. Most haters anti-Janet fans like to hate on Janet by using her “flop” albums to define her career. They always talk about the sales Damita Jo, 20 Y.O., Discipline, Janet Jackson, and Dream Street. However they will never talk about those 6 albums between Control and All For You that sold in the excess of 90 million records. I mean, is there really a reason to be concerned about the charts considering this, this, and this? In addition to Billboard calling Janet Chart Royalty. I guess it sucks to be Janet.



3. She’s irrelevant.

What’s a Janet Jackson?







Janet Jackson has become so irrelevant that we here at the Rhythmless head quarters often have to Google her to remember who she is. Somewhere in between Super Bowl 2004 and June 25, 2009, Janet Jackson sunk deeper and deeper into the sea of irrelevance. Ironically, it appears that the kids of the new millennium seem to be incapable of creativity and innovation, and are forced to swagger jack her moves, videos, choreography, etc. I’ve been YouTube and seen such fuckery as this, this, and this. The kids can’t help but to bring her down to their levels to compare. But if we must:







Now I’m no optometrist, but the viewing the video confirms our theory of irrelevance. There’s a lack of originally in today’s music artists. So what’s the best option? Swagger jack the irrelevant artists from yesteryear. In August 2009, it only took two hours for these photos to make it across the web at 2 am in the morning. Who else can send the entertainment world up in a frenzy at that hour? Only the irrelevant artists. August and September was also a very trying time for Janet. I mean, no one knew she was going to perform at the VMAs until someone leaked the info that Janet was opening the show. By Tuesday, everyone had taken the back seat to Janet’s tribute performance. I mean, Sway even had to leave the barber shop from getting his Kunta Kinte dred locks done to do a promo for Janet performance after the news leaked...

MTV Shows

And do we even need to address this irrelevance?



Let’s not, and say we did.



4. She’s fat.

Janet has always been the size of the Goodyear Blimp, but as of late she’s been giving Kate Moss a run for her money. I mean, wouldn’t you be upset if your abs looked like over-cooked dinner rolls?



I know I would. What a waste of time and energy to remain the ideal 5’5 120 pounds for 20+ years? I know I wouldn’t. Because I know I like to make nightly visit to Mr. Edy’s, and me and Ms. Betty Crocker have become the best of friends at late night hours. In the past 6 or 7 years of life, I’ve gone from a size 28, to a size 30, and back down to a size 28. My weight goes up and down like Cassie at a Bad Boys board meeting. Janet, at 40, was probably at her worst:



Notice the gut, the double chin, and the thunder thighs? She resembles the Michelin Tire Man if you ask me:



Hopefully Janet will push away from the buffet table, and pick up a membership card at Bally’s.



5. You’re ugly.

I know ugly is such a harsh word. So we’ll say, you’re…aesthetically unpleasing to the blind. Studies have shown that unattractive women are more prone to hating on pretty women, than attractive women hating on unattractive women. It is very common to find people whose faces look like plastic surgery gone wrong hating on others like Janet. Attractive women have better things to do with their time, such as being pretty, stealing other people’s man, and making unattractive women jealous of their good looks. The ugliness not only implies physical features, but personality as well. You being ugly is also applicable to your unnecessary hate. Kicking Janet while she's down is also an example of being ugly. Trying to discredit her contributions to the industry, and what she has done with her career is another example of ugliness. And we here at the Rhythmless headquarters will not stand for it, for we are a nation with rhythmic boundaries. We will come to your house and slice your face open. Is it Janet's fault that you don't even have a face for radio? Could it be that you have a face that even God would be embarrassed of? Don't blame Janet for your severe aesthetic deficiencies.



6. She’s old.

This doesn't have much to do with age or looks, but it's clear Janet looks a youthful 86:

You sit and wonder, will my favorite artist be around in 36 years like Janet? Hell, some artists today are struggling to stay relevant. Someone in the peak of their career shouldn't be doing reality shows. You can only use VH1 as a means to come out of retirement so many times before it gets old. [plays Flavor of Love]. Well living in America, it appears that any person over the age of 40 is old. This is includes Janet, Whitney, Mariah, Beyoncé, Halle Berry, Minnie Mouse, etc. At 43, Janet is still giving the girls a run for their money. While girls nearly half Janet’s age are doing this, Janet is doing this. I know it pains the haters that Janet can still snatch their faves’ wigs, but who is to blame? Janet is like a freight train, the other flops are like Thomas The Tank Engine…while some are The Little Engine That Could. Janet can still put on a show. While some artists are still touring at family reunions and church picnics, Janet has sold out is selling out arenas and stadiums around the world. There’s no fashion gets up, no falling down stairs, no army of dancers, acrobats, or Cirque Du Soleil stunts happening on stage. I see why you’re mad.



7. She be shit’n on you hoe.





How does Janet shit on thee? Let us count the ways:

1. Chart success 

2. Record sales

3. Tours

4. Records set/broken

5. Videos

6. Blood type

7. Awards

8. Albums

9. Being a Jackson

10. Lacefronts/weaves/makeup



This is just a chip off the old block. How Janet shits on thee is endless. But because Hawthorne is about to come on, I’ll cut it short. Just know that Janet be shit’n on you hoe. [insert ghetto dance here]





8. She wines and dines with Aretha.

No, this isn’t about food. Although Janet is good friends with Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, and her neighbor Ms. Betty Crocker. It’s about respect she commands from an audience of her peers, or the generation that is stealing from her.










When Janet walks into a room, everyone stands and shows nothing but respect. There are only a few women who have such stage presence. Ciara is not one of them. She is respected by legends, icons, superstars, child custody social workers, and even the fat lady at the DMV who has no business wearing tight pants with thighs bigger than Kanye's ego. When Janet walks into a room, you stand, you bow, and wash her feet.


9. You stan for a flop.

Now I don’t mean this harshly or literally, but I’m pretty sure if you’re hating on Janet, talking about her flop albums or her lack of chart success (as of late), I’m fairly confident in my assumption of you stanning for a flop. Don’t be upset with Janet because your fave’s best selling album has only been certified double cardboard, and the singles were bubbling under the Hot 100 waiting list. Being bitter about your fave being the best selling flop, or struggling to get nominated for a Source Award does not give you the permission to hate on Janet. Once you accept Janet into your heart as your musical Lord and Savior, you will walk in the valley and fear no evil.



10. You stan for another artist.

I've noticed stans of other arists like to project their faves short-comings on Janet. The Mariah fans like to talk about Janet not selling. But Mariah is the same person who did this:



I mean, what's worse?

Beyonce stans like to hate on Janet for a multitude of reasons. Why? I don't know. Are you really free to hate on others when your favorite artist is being sued every year for song she CLAIMS she wrote, can't keep her balance on stage, and swagger jacks everyone from Janet to Captain Planet? Let's be real with yourselves, so we can be real with you. Madonna fans, well, she's Madonna. They have room to hate. But being jealous of Janet's youthful looks, her black child, and superior stage performance is rather trivial in my eyes. But as stated, I'm not an optometrist. I'm not sure if people are upset that Janet has never give the paparazzi a shot of her cooch, been passed out drunk in her friend's car, or pulled a hit in run. Whatever the case, Janet has never acted a fool in public.



So while you're pounding your keyboard spewing your hate about Janet, think about this post. Don't blame Janet. Blame yourself.

Stanning 101

It has come to my attention that the concept of stanning needs to be addressed. On fan boards, on communal boards, or wherever you are in life whilst stanning. This will be a two part series in the Rhythmless Nation.

Some of you don’t know how the stan properly.

Some of you don’t even know what a stan is.

Some of you are stanning for all the wrong reasons.

Some of you still wear high top K-Swiss. But we won’t get in to that.

For those of you who don’t know what stanning or what a stan is, kick off your shoes and relax your feet, party on down to the Rhythmless beat because I’m going to spell it out for you. I understand this is a very touchy subject for some of you, so I’ll try to keep it light.

To understand the idea of a “stan”, we need to trace our roots back to the earliest signs of stanning, which began sometime in the early 20^th century. For the sake of time (and the fact that CSI is about to come on) we won’t go back that far. In the 20^th century, artists were huge. They had huge followings. There was no term to accurately describe these homo sapiens, so they were just considered overzealous fans or “fanatics” if you will. Luckily in 2002, a rapper by the name of Eminem coined the term “stan”. What a sigh of relief it was to do away with “fanatic”. Stan had a nice 21^st century ring to it. The song "Stan" embodied all the aspects of what it means to be a huge fanatic of a music artist. And there we have our history of the word “stan”.

[sighs]

This is a very delicate subject, and we must treat it with extreme care. [sighs again] You can’t just go stanning all whilly nilly. There is an art, a science, and a math to stanning people. You have to know who you are stanning for and why you stan for them. One thing you have to remember is when you’re stanning, you’re representing not only yourself, but the artist you stan for as well. So you have to watch what you say and how you act. Remember, you’re representing a fan base, and you will be the general consensus of how stans of certain artists act. To put it in lamest terms, if you act like an idiot, people will assume all fans/stans of that artist are idiots as well. If you act smart, people will assume the same concept. Watch how you act.

When you’re a stan, there are certain civic duties you must perform. Having assorted print media (albums, posters, magazines, etc) is all fine and dandy, but I’m speaking on the social aspect. When stanning, be sure to wear your artist of choice on your sleeve. When someone asks who you’re listening to on your iPod, don’t be afraid to tell them. Be sure to wear artist memorabilia on your person. This includes but it not limited to t-shirts, buttons, pins, and handbags. People should know who you stan for without knowing your name. When someone makes a comment about your artist, understand it is their opinion. You can’t change it. However, when someone decides to get slick at the mouth, only then is it okay to intervene. Intervening can range from correcting the person, snatching a wig, or even framing them for murder. When you’re at Best Buy for example, put the artist’ most recent album in the front of their section. If there are two shelves, put the most recent album in the front on one shelf, and your favorite album in the front on the other.

The reason why you stan is also very important. Reasons will vary, but be sure to stan for the right reasons. When you stan, there should be a reason. The artist should inspire you, their music should have helped you personally, or they represent something that draws you to them.  A few examples from the kids on Janet-Xone (edited for grammar):

“What Janet Means To You?”:

“Happiness…Her music has been the soundtrack to my life (especially the Janet. album -- whew)! She's the perfect combination of talent, poise, strength, humility and beauty -- inside and out. I don't agree with everything she does or like everything she puts out there. But, she is one of the few artists who seem to have the ability to connect with their fans.”

 -cabmia

“Janet to me means inspiration. Being able to be inspired by someone you don't even know is a powerful thing. There are no words to even express to her on how much she has meant to me in my journey in life. And when someone like Janet can inspire me with words alone it's truly magical.”

 -Philly

“Long story short...I wouldn't be where and who I am today without her.”

-N2

“Janet's music was a way for me to escape when I was kid…her music represents an entirely different world. I think Janet's a very hopeful person. She's not afraid to show the public that she can be both sexual, vulnerable, and shy. She's the perfect representation of somebody who is very shy in public, but have no stage fright. She's influenced my own dancing style greatly, and she's always doing something to catch my attention.”

-Rockbird

“What does Janet mean to me? I've tried to put these to words before - quite unsuccessfully. Let's see what I can say about her...Janet is a sort of moral presence that I often think about when making decisions. If you notice in her music there is nothing hateful, nothing negative, no complaining, and no whining. She does everything with such grace and dignity and wants nothing to do with negativity or hate. She is never a victim. And has so much strength. It's the outlook that many don't have and I definitely take it to heart every day of my life. I tell myself this everyday: I cannot and will not live a life of hate. And also, Janet makes it okay to be sexual. She makes it okay to be freaky. To crave sex. To want something so intimate with someone. Yet is never a whore, never raunchy, never degrading to herself. It's this sort of proud sexual vixen personality that really inspires me. She also says it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to feel lost. Because in the end, we'll all get through it. If Janet Jackson - the strongest woman I know - says it's okay to be vulnerable, than shit --- ITS OKAY. Also, she is always out to make a difference in the world - speaking out for those who can’t and simply by being a kind human being. She has so much humility and respect for others. And lastly, I am a musician. I write songs. Her music is so complex and intricate and well written that she is an amazing source of musical inspiration, too. Her incredible outlook is heard through her music. She puts so much of HERSELF in her records and is always pushing it forward. I find it so inspiring. That is what Janet means to me.”

-Sharn

And, of course, this:

These are examples of why you you’re stanning for a particular artist. Stanning for someone because they have X amount of hits, or sold X amount of albums is not proper stanning, and is frowned upon by other stans. This also includes stanning for someone because of their image, persona, etc is not acceptable justification for stanning. You should be stanning because the music has helped you through troubled waters, their talents inspire you as a person, they have helped shaped your life, etc. Stanning should be deeper than musical. It should reach you personally, emotionally, spiritually, and to an extent, psychologically. Stanning is all about taking an artist for what they offer..and following them. You have to take the good and the bad and the highs and the lows. The good times of success, the lows of when an artist hits a snag in their career. The lows make you stronger and build character. Weather the storm. And it is here where most artists create their best work (i.e. Velvet Rope, Blackout, My Life, Dangerous, etc). Taking only the good is fairweather, and I'm sure there are many of those floating around.

So to conclude Part I of Stanning 101, understand what stanning is, what it means, and how it's done. Is there a right or wrong method to stanning? Yes. Can it be rectified? Yes.  

FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)

1.   Can I stan for more than one artist?

Yes. However, it is confusing to be stanning for more than 3 artists.

2.   If I stan for more than one artist, do I have to like them equally?

No. It is at your discretion. You can love each equally or one more than the other. One artist may offer one the other doesn’t. Thus causing you to gravitate towards them a bit more.

3.   When picking an artist, what are some of the best options?

Your options are unlimited. The music industry has produced an array of artist to serve you if you are taste specific. Choose the artist whose music you can relate to, or best fits your interest.

4.   Is it okay if I stan for a flop?

Yes. Remember, you are stanning for talent and music, not sales, success, image, popularity, etc.

5.   How will I know if I’m a stan?

There’s a sensor in your cerebral cortex that ignites when you become a stan.

6.   My parents think I’m becoming obsessed with my artist. What should I do?

Your parents will be the least understanding. Don’t panic, this is common. Inform them that it’s not an obsession, it’s a way of life. Your fellow stans will be your best support system.

7.   What is the time period for being a stan?

It is contingent. Some people stop stanning for a variety of reasons. As long as you can find comfort in your artist, your stanning can go on for eternity. There is nothing wrong with teaching God the “If” breakdown, or helping Mother Teresa up from the floor during the “Get Me Bodied” extended dance  mix.

8.   What if I don’t find an artist I want to stan for?

No worries. This can take time. The key is to not search for an artist, but let the artist find you. Something will click when you hear a song, and the light bulb will illuminate.

9.   Is there some kind of membership fee assessed once I become a stan?

Yes. However, the fee is not monetary. We will address this is Part II of Stanning 101.

10.Am I required to like the other stans?

No. Some stans are idiots.

If you have any further questions, comments, concerns, or complaints, please feel free to drop them in the comment box below, and we here at the Rhythmless Headquarters will address them in Part II of Stanning 101. Thank you.