6 Reasons Why You Hate Beyoncé

You're probably wondering why I’m making a post about Beyoncé, on a Janet blog. Well, to be honest, I really don’t have an answer. I just feel like doing it. Don’t fret, there will be another Janet post coming soon. Now that she has put down the fork, and picked up Atkins, she’s actually been doing something with her life. So there's something to blog about. #noshadeatJanet

I did a post like this about Janet (click here) a while ago. And I got a request to do another for Janet. But I didn't want to be repetitive. So I opted out. Besides I just couldn't come up with any other reasons why people hate on Janet. But let's get back to Beyoncé. Recently Beyoncé decided to release one more video as a thank you to her fans for making “Why Don’t You Love Me” reach #1 on the dance chart, and to get the haters up in arms one last time before she decides to retire the Sasha Fierce lacefront. The past year and a half have been good to Beyoncé. I Am…Sasha Fierce won 6 Grammys (the most for a female in a single night), “Single Ladies” became an international sensation, and Beyoncé saved 15% on her car insurance by switching to Geico. As the I Am…Sasha Fierce era comes to a close, we want to look back at why Beyoncé experienced the hate she endured. With the Beycession afoot, I, along with House of Deréon interns in the armadillo skin handbags division, conducted extensive research to give an analysis of why people hate Beyoncé. These are our findings:

1.   She can’t keep her balance

When Beyoncé first began her solo career we knew her as a music artist. After a few albums, movies, endorsements, and space missions, Beyoncé had morphed into more than just a music artist. She became a music artist, an actress, a spokesperson, and even Dutch cattle herder. She is all over the place. She’s on the radio. She’s on television. She’s in your thesaurus. She’s on your mind. She doesn’t know what the hell she wants to be. Everything she does, she is successful, whether if it is music, movies, television, endorsements, architecture, or transmission repair. She has yet to fail in any of her ventures. Three back to back multi-platinum albums. A top 5 hit 7 years running. Box office smash after box office smash. Tour after tour, Forbes after Forbes. The woman is a force to be reckoned with, and doesn’t show any signs of stopping. But you know the other kids just can’t take. Whenever Beyoncé has success at something, there are those who just can’t be happy for her. To mask the love, shade is thrown. Hate is spewed. Mass suicide is committed. Let us remember, during the Second Punic War when Janet and Whitney became stars, Black women did not have these opportunities. So “we” need to be thankful for that we have an African-American WOMAN bitch slapping the industry left and right.

2.   She won’t sit down

Every time you turn on the TV, Beyoncé is there. A promo for the limited rerelease deluxe premium edition B’day Anthology video box set will flash across the screen. And you sit and wonder how that is remotely relevant to the infomercial you are watching about the Magic Bullet. Everywhere you turn, Beyoncé is there. And at every turn, people are asking Beyoncé to sit down, have some babies, gain weight, whatever. Beyoncé sitting down is going to help your favorite flops sell records. Beyoncé sitting down isn’t going to make us like your favorite flops any more, or even give them a chance. Beyoncé sitting down isn't going to help your favorite flops win any awards. Award committees will continue to pay them the same dust Billboard is paying their singles. A #1 song on the Twitter bubbling under chart is nothing to brag about. Beyoncé sitting down isn’t going to cure cancer. You beg and plead for her to sit down, yet you tune in to all of appearances, watch her interviews, watch her performances, and have e-fights on YouTube in the comments section, you listen to her music. You frequently bring her name up in situations that don't call for it. You use her name to promote your flop activities/events. I guess you only want Beyoncé when it's convenient for you. That's not the way love goes. So the best thing YOU can do is sit down, close your mouth, and continue to let Beyoncé hammer the nails on the coffin containing your fave’s career (given your fave still has a career).

3.   She has a gym membership

To be Alicia, requires piano skills. To be Britney, requires a social worker. To be Beyoncé, requires brute strength. When you're at the top, you have several people below trying to bring you down. You take more blows than Rihanna or Cassie (double shade, catch it). Everyone has to compare whatever someone is doing to Beyoncé. If someone is singing, that person is a better singer than Beyoncé. If someone is dancing, that person is a better dancer than Beyoncé. If someone is sleeping, that person is a better sleeper than Beyoncé. Just look at how relaxed her face is. And notice how the heart pumps oxygen and blood to the chin muscles? Beyoncé could never. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, my spirit has been torn. If you have to compare someone to Beyoncé, doesn't that mean Beyoncé is the one to beat? And if you have to compare someone to Beyoncé, doesn't that take away from the person? It's like what that person is doing isn't good enough to stand on its own two feet.So you have to compare it to Beyoncé for ankle support? Stans will attack with any possible ammunition to bring down Beyoncé. When “Rude Boy” went #1, the Rihanna stans acted like bats on acid. When The Tribute Tour To Madonna Britney's Circus Tour out grossed the I Am…Tour, the Britney stans were released from their straight jackets. These stans took shots at Beyoncé left and right. But let's look at this in perspective. What does Britney have over Beyoncé other than album sales and tour gross? What does Rihanna have over Beyoncé other than #1 hits? What does Alicia have over Beyoncé other than her ability to play the piano? Same for P!nk, Ashanti, Ciara, and even Keri Hilson. Beyoncé has the World Music Award’s Legend Award. Where is Britney’s, with all those albums she has sold? Beyoncé has the American Music Award’s International Excellence Award. Where's Rihanna’s? Beyoncé has the NRJ Music Awards Greatest Artist of the Decade Award. Where is Alicia’s? Beyoncé has 16 Grammys. Where are P!nk’s? When is Ciara going to perform for The President? Hell, can she even perform for the president of a PTA at this point? All these females are supposed to be better than Beyoncé right? Why can't they keep up? Where are their distinguished awards? Where are Rolling Stone, Billboard, NPR, and the Grammy board praising their work? Where are legends such as Diana Ross, Tina Turner, Whitney, Janet, Bono, Aretha, Michael, Donna Summer, The Obamas, and many others praising the other girls’ talent or work(s)? Where are they on the charts? Again, these girls are supposed to be “better” than Beyoncé right? Don't get me wrong, those girls are great talents (minus Rihanna), but I hope you see the point I’m make here. Beyoncé has the sales, the awards, the critical acclaim, the tour gross, the respect, the income, the movie gross, the praise, and the hits to back up her ego. The other girls only have two or three of the aforementioned items. And I’m not here for short comings. 

4.   We gave her a mile, and she went light year

Back in 2003, we thought it was okay to let a Black chick with blond hair and thunder thighs get a hit or two. She wouldn't over shine her peers. She wouldn't last too long. She wouldn't do what the fast girls do. We couldn't have been any more wrong. We let her swing her lacefront one too many times, and her cerebral cortex went into overdrive. She became a massive worldwide phenomenon. She racked up hit after hit, and sold an impressive amount of albums and singles. She won awards for singing, music videos, knitting, and philanthropy. She set a standard for what it means to be a performer in the 2000s. She doesn't need to wear household appliances, do a trapeze act, or fall while doing nothing on stage to keep your attention. She goes a little further than most performers by making the most obscure facial expressions, fires people on stage, and even does the dutty wine on stage. She conceptualizes her music videos and understands they are a visual extension of the song. Something she learned from the video greats – Michael, Madonna, and Janet. Mass critical acclaim and 16 Grammys ranging from R&B to pop to best traditional bluegrass vocal can make even the most devout haters speechless. She always goes a little further does a little extra just to satisfy her audience. We tell her to sing, and she peels our wigs back. We tell her her album sucks, and she wins 5 Grammys. We tell her there's no more spicy wings, and she has a Linda Blair moment.  Beyoncé continues to exceed our expectations. It also doesn't help that she has a heart of gold, is well mannered, and treats others the way she wants to be treated.We thought it would be okay to let her snatch a few wigs here and there. We didn't know she was going to snatch wigs, weaves, laces, new growth, prom, and baby hair.

5.   She's an around the way girl

Beyoncé comes full circle. She's an all around talent. People can hate all they want, but they can't deny that she can sing. They can't say she can't dance. They can't say she can't put on a show. Because then they would be lying. And I'm not here for that. She is one of the most versatile performers that has walked the globe. Her peers will always take the back seat. P!nk is a good performer, but no one at the BET Awards would want to see her. Gaga can't perform at the Kennedy Center Honors. There just isn't enough room on stage for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade floats she has on stage to compensate for her lack of stage presence. Alicia is fine...until she steps from behind the piano. And when performing on the South Lawn at the White House, the last thing you want to do is make an awkward impression on foreign leaders. Rihanna, well, [5 minutes goes by], well only Rihanna…well. You get what I'm saying. None of them embody Beyonce’s versatility. Not only in performing, Beyoncé can sing pop, R&B, dance, hip-hop, sign language, grunge, and blues. She has employed and mixed genres of music and drug your faves effortlessly. She has pop hits. She has R&B hits. She has up-tempo hits. She has ballad hits. The only hits she doesn’t have are Whitney’s and Rihanna’s. #shade. Your faves will be lucky if they can even get their singles on the Hot 100 waiting list. The only time some artists will see a #1 is on their iTunes play counts. 

6.   She has a militia

Beyoncé exercises her Third Amendments right daily. She keeps the troops out of her house, and on the field. And by troops, I mean fans. Part of the reason why you hate Beyoncé is because more than likely you tried to break cute with one of her fans, and your ass got read your First Amendment, Civil, and Miranda Rights all in one sitting. You tried to say Beyoncé stole a song. Only for a fan to sit your happy-go-lucky fat neck ass back down in your seat with facts. You tried to come for Beyonce’s singing. And all a Beyoncé stan had to do was post her Grammys for vocal performance to shut you up. You tried to pop off when you thought no one was looking. And then a stan came along and told you what you could do with it, and where you could stick it. Just when you thought you shut down a Beyoncé fan, that fan comes back with a Reuters article, three YouTube videos, a full page magazine scan, two press releases, a Google Books link with referenced page numbers, and notarized FBI documentation that Beyoncé did or did not do whatever you are accusing her of. Oh and don’t think they had to search for them, because they have them bookmarked in their favorites on their internet browser. Beyoncé stans are bred and raised in a top secret location, and sent out in the field service for duty. They are dedicated fans who will defend Beyoncé to the end of the day. And it is for that reason why Beyoncé continues to give 110% every day of the week.

So in closing, take this all in. Tell your mama, tell your friends, tell anyone whose heart can comprehend. Understand that your hate is not biological, but psychological. Just when you thought you hated Beyoncé for another reason, no, you don’t. It’s for one of the abovementioned reasons. It may be a tough pill to swallow, but there are some things you need to accept. And Beyoncé dragging your faves this past decade one way or another is one of them.

BASK.

The Gospel Of Janet Jackson

I know I haven't posted in a while, because I've been very busy. So I thought I'd give you something to hang you over until the next entry which is coming soon, and to let you all know I'm still alive.

Don’t Let Your Eyes Deceive You

Well let me start off by saying Happy New Year to all you chirrens of the world. I know it’s been quite some time since the last post, but I’ve been very busy trying to get my life in order. In addition to the Rhythmless Headquarters getting evicted for not paying the rent and we have Latoya in the Accounts Receivable department to thank for that. But the good news is we’re back in the business. We’ve got a new year, a new look, and a new attitude. So I want to start off the post with some more insightful, rather than the typical coonery and buffoonery we here at the Rhythmless Headquarters do on a daily basis. Disclaimer #1: yes, I am stealing comments from the boards. If you happen to see a comment you made on a board, feel free to point it out in the comments section. Sue us. We don’t care.

So as we all know Janet is releasing a new album this spring. But recent events have made this year rather problematic for Janet fans. The death of Michael Jackson has stirred up banter about Janet being an opportunist, and using his death as a means to return her to her past glory. Anyone with common sense knows Janet is the last Jackson to do such a thing. When has she ever used Michael’s name to promote herself? Being a Jackson, or Mike’s little sister surely didn’t help sell those first two albums (although “You’ll Never (Find A Love Like Mine)” and “If It Takes All Night” are my jams). Sure being a member of the Jackson family helped Janet get her foot in the door in many places, but the name only goes so far. Just look at the other Jacksons not having flourishing music careers. Talent, drive, and determination are what led Janet to the point she is at now. If she didn’t need the family then, more than likely she doesn’t need them now. She’s been doing fine. But in my travels around the boards, I’ve seen the usual ignorance being posted. My fellow Janet fans and stans, my mind’s tired, my soul is weak, and my intelligence is suffering. The comments from certain people leave me wondering why some are even allowed near a computer. I won’t go into details, but the Michael fans, I love you because we are a family, but give it a break. The comments like “Janet is using Michael...”, “the family is using Michael...”, “the Social Security Administration is out to get Michael...”, "Al-Qaeda is using Michael...", etc has run its course. It is time stop pointing the finger at everyone else like everything is everyone else’s fault. The main reason why some of you have such distaste for Janet is because she said Michael had a drug addiction in her ABC Interview in November. You all have not been the same since then. I’m sure had she LIED and said Mike didn’t have a drug addiction, you all would be worshiping the ground she walked on. I’m sure if she and the family locked themselves up in Hayvenhurst and chose not to speak on the situation you’d accuse the family of being insensitive. It makes me wonder if the shoe was on the other foot would everything still be the same. What if Janet had died on June 25, 2009 and Michael postponed This Is It. You’d be up in an uproar. What if Michael still chose to do the concerts? Would you accuse him of being insensitive and not grieving enough for Janet? I’m sure you wouldn’t. I’m baffled as to how you can tell someone how to grieve the loss of a sibling. Janet can’t just stop her life and her career. Was that what you were hoping for? What about her fans? If you’re still grieving, I send my condolences to you, I’m still sad myself. But don’t patronize others just because YOU are still going through the emotions and others aren’t. Some people get over things faster than others. Disclaimer #2: if you just so happen to post this one of Michael’s boards, once you do, log off immediately, change your IP address, and purchase a new computer because those Mike fans will hunt you down.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, we can move on.

Well I can say lately good old Janet-Xone has been what it has always been…a bunch of young adults thinking they can give Janet career advice. The old EMI Board is still a zoo full of wild animals. I actually made 20 posts in the past month, a record. But today, I want to speak to Janet’s younger fans. And sadly, I might even be speaking to some of her older fans who have selective amnesia. I don’t really know where to start, but just take the ride, it’s an escapade. Hopefully somewhere into the post I’ll start to make sense.

Janet Damita Jo Jackson has been in the entertainment industry since April 1973, a period of nearly 37 years. In 1982, Janet began her music career, and it expanded form that year, to 2010. Within those 28 years, Janet put 27 songs in the Top 10 on the Hot 100, sold over 100 million albums, got arrested for petty theft at Sears, won hundreds of awards, and blazed a trail. She has blessed the world with groundbreaking music videos, amazing choreography, performed on stages around the world, and released albums that have defined music. Yes, we can say our girl has paid her dues. Don’t except Janet to do what younger mainstream artists are doing. Sure we want Janet to have massive radio airplay, win all the awards, and sell millions of albums. But the reality is, Janet has already achieved those feats. There’s no need for her to have songs on radio. Radio already considers her a legend. There’s no need for her to sell more albums, she’s already sold over 100 million of them. Putting Janet in the shoes of today’s artist is a step down from all she’s accomplished, regardless of however big the biggest artist(s) of today is/are. The anti-Janet fans like to limit her success to this decade to compare their faves to Janet. But that’s the beauty of it. Janet has success spanning three (soon to be four) decades, while other girls have only one. *withholds my laughter* They way I see it is, if Janet’s records and achievements haven’t been broken or matched, they will forever be relevant. Janet put 7 songs in the Top 5 with Rhythm Nation 1814. Indeed it was 20 years ago, but since that record has YET to be broken or even matched, it is still very relevant today…and will continue to be relevant until an artist breaks it. This in reality will never happen.


The other reality is that Janet, at this point, is past her prime. We need to understand that. Janet’s time in the spotlight is over. Every artist goes through it. You have your success, you peak, and then you slowly decline. That’s the way love goes. There’s no need to chase the fame Janet owned during her hay-day. You have to give the younger artists a chance to make their careers and make their place in history. Everything you see today’s artists doing, Janet has been there done that. Sure the haters can call Janet a has been. They’re absolutely right. Janet has been wherever today’s artists are and wherever they’re going, and probably did it better than them. The Discipline Era didn’t go over so well. But that’s bound to happen when the label exec has a business degree from the University of Phoenix. Let’s be happy Janet was able to tour. Some artist can’t even tour family picnics, let alone arenas and stadiums. Janet did 37 songs for 3 hours. Most artists can only put together a set list of 20 hits, give or take, and doesn’t even have to reach back into a group’s catalog to fill the show *whistles*. Actually let me rephrase that, artists can only put together a set list of 20 SONGS, give or take. I forgot a HIT was a song peaking in the Top 10.

Let us celebrate the fact that Janet is winning multiple “Legend” and “Lifetime Achievement” awards from major award shows. The Greatest Hits compilation is a testament of her work. There aren’t too many artists who can have a TWO DISC SET of 33 NUMBER ONE hits. And if you’re really a fan, you know that Janet has had way more than 33 #1 global hits. Janet has been praised by MTV, Vogue, BET, Michael Jackson, Stevie Wonder, Jesus Christ, Rolling Stone, Q Magazine, the Recording Academy (that’s the Grammys for the slow ones), and many more. We’re in good company. Janet’s musical peers are Michael, Prince, Madonna, Whitney, Mariah, Celine, and Anita Baker. The artists today have a home wrecker, a woman beater, a copy cat, a punching bag, and an unfit parent as musical peers. Janet is in a new space in 2010 (and yes I did just reference the AFY Era catchphrase). Janet Jackson is in her legendary transition period. She’s a new legend, and Oprah will agree.

So moving on, as we all know Janet is creating an album that will end the fighting in Israel. And as you know when Janet is out, the anti-Janet fans are out to hate. Naturally we like to defend our girl, but there are just some times when you let the sheep be lost in the wilderness. When debating with anti-Janet fans, understand the levels of security, and know when to back away. Thus we here at the Rhythmless Headquarters, after careful research, have constructed the following chart:









We here at the Headquarters will adjust the pressed level accordingly. We are working directly with the Department of Homeland Security to monitor how pressed anti-Janet fans are in over 118 countries. As you can see the lower levels represent minor Janet. This type of hate is general caused by candid and public appearances. The second level indicates anti-Janet fans who are a bit more perturbed. This is caused by news such a magazine articles and such. The third stage is a bit more worrisome caused by major television interviews/appearances on shows like Oprah, Good Morning America, Snuggies infomercials, etc. The fourth stage is when you should start backing away. The anti-Janet fan is hating at wind speeds over 140 mph. Janet must be snatching wigs. By the 5th and final stage, it is then you need to call Pope John Paul II and have him perform an exorcism. Janet must REALLY be giving it to the girls. This is caused by all four lower level stages coming together and wreaking havoc on the pop world. Again, just back away.

So my dear Janet Jackson fans, stans, anti-Janet fans, and casual fans, we’re in a new space. We’re legendary right along with Janet herself. Although Janet hasn’t had the success as her peers, she has still made her mark on the world and the industry. She has sold albums. She has had hits. She has won awards. She has danced until her feet were sore. She has walked on water. She has done it all. She has given us a lot of bragging rights. The only thing for us to do is to kick back and enjoy the blessings this woman has given us over the past 37 years.

10 Reasons Why You Hate On Janet

I know it’s been some time since the last post, but I’ve been busy. Yes, running with the bulls in Spain, and going door-to-door spreading the gospel of our beloved Janet Jackson on Saturday mornings at 8 a.m. passing out Rhythm Nation pamphlets and “Make Me” advertisements. Yes kids, “Make Me” is now available on iTunes. I’m not the best at keeping people informed about what is going on with Janet. But if you want to know up-to-date information, always check out the Rhythmless Sister City Janet Central. They have all the tea on Ms. Janet.



Anyway, I was sitting in class bored out of my mind reflecting on the week’s events, thinking about the routine things: how much work I could have done yesterday that I didn’t do, how many days until I get my next unemployment check, and Janet. In my attempts to understand why people hate on others, be it Janet, Michael, Beyoncé, Elmer Fud, whoever. So I came to 10 conclusions as to why people take pleasure in hating on Janet:



1. She’s a Jackson.

Janet is the youngest child of 9, not including Joe’s bastard child. But she’s SOMEWHAT part of the family, so I guess we here at the Rhythmless headquarters can support her. She even has her own blog. But anyway, you hate Janet because she’s a Jackson. She is the youngest member of the greatest entertaining family of all time, and the most successful family in music, and music royalty. She’s part of a dynasty that many of your favorite artists strive to emulate, but sadly fail miserably. At one point, every member of the Jackson family was successful. Yes, even LaToya. I know it pains you that your faves can’t be part of the Jackson family, but that’s the way love goes. It’s human nature. Keep trying; the Osmonds couldn’t stop the Jacksons. The Knowles can’t do it. The Debarge’s tried it by marrying one of the loose cannons. Keep dreaming, I know it hurts, but you’ll get over it.



2. She’s a flop.

For quite some time, it has been reported that Janet has sold over 100 million records worldwide. For a solo artist, that’s quite impressive. And to think she didn’t have to piggy back and use a group’s sales figures with her own solo sales to make her sales APPEAR more impressive. There are only a few artists who have sold over 100 million records. Others are just jealous because they know their faves can barely sell their image, let alone an album. Most haters anti-Janet fans like to hate on Janet by using her “flop” albums to define her career. They always talk about the sales Damita Jo, 20 Y.O., Discipline, Janet Jackson, and Dream Street. However they will never talk about those 6 albums between Control and All For You that sold in the excess of 90 million records. I mean, is there really a reason to be concerned about the charts considering this, this, and this? In addition to Billboard calling Janet Chart Royalty. I guess it sucks to be Janet.



3. She’s irrelevant.

What’s a Janet Jackson?







Janet Jackson has become so irrelevant that we here at the Rhythmless head quarters often have to Google her to remember who she is. Somewhere in between Super Bowl 2004 and June 25, 2009, Janet Jackson sunk deeper and deeper into the sea of irrelevance. Ironically, it appears that the kids of the new millennium seem to be incapable of creativity and innovation, and are forced to swagger jack her moves, videos, choreography, etc. I’ve been YouTube and seen such fuckery as this, this, and this. The kids can’t help but to bring her down to their levels to compare. But if we must:







Now I’m no optometrist, but the viewing the video confirms our theory of irrelevance. There’s a lack of originally in today’s music artists. So what’s the best option? Swagger jack the irrelevant artists from yesteryear. In August 2009, it only took two hours for these photos to make it across the web at 2 am in the morning. Who else can send the entertainment world up in a frenzy at that hour? Only the irrelevant artists. August and September was also a very trying time for Janet. I mean, no one knew she was going to perform at the VMAs until someone leaked the info that Janet was opening the show. By Tuesday, everyone had taken the back seat to Janet’s tribute performance. I mean, Sway even had to leave the barber shop from getting his Kunta Kinte dred locks done to do a promo for Janet performance after the news leaked...

MTV Shows

And do we even need to address this irrelevance?



Let’s not, and say we did.



4. She’s fat.

Janet has always been the size of the Goodyear Blimp, but as of late she’s been giving Kate Moss a run for her money. I mean, wouldn’t you be upset if your abs looked like over-cooked dinner rolls?



I know I would. What a waste of time and energy to remain the ideal 5’5 120 pounds for 20+ years? I know I wouldn’t. Because I know I like to make nightly visit to Mr. Edy’s, and me and Ms. Betty Crocker have become the best of friends at late night hours. In the past 6 or 7 years of life, I’ve gone from a size 28, to a size 30, and back down to a size 28. My weight goes up and down like Cassie at a Bad Boys board meeting. Janet, at 40, was probably at her worst:



Notice the gut, the double chin, and the thunder thighs? She resembles the Michelin Tire Man if you ask me:



Hopefully Janet will push away from the buffet table, and pick up a membership card at Bally’s.



5. You’re ugly.

I know ugly is such a harsh word. So we’ll say, you’re…aesthetically unpleasing to the blind. Studies have shown that unattractive women are more prone to hating on pretty women, than attractive women hating on unattractive women. It is very common to find people whose faces look like plastic surgery gone wrong hating on others like Janet. Attractive women have better things to do with their time, such as being pretty, stealing other people’s man, and making unattractive women jealous of their good looks. The ugliness not only implies physical features, but personality as well. You being ugly is also applicable to your unnecessary hate. Kicking Janet while she's down is also an example of being ugly. Trying to discredit her contributions to the industry, and what she has done with her career is another example of ugliness. And we here at the Rhythmless headquarters will not stand for it, for we are a nation with rhythmic boundaries. We will come to your house and slice your face open. Is it Janet's fault that you don't even have a face for radio? Could it be that you have a face that even God would be embarrassed of? Don't blame Janet for your severe aesthetic deficiencies.



6. She’s old.

This doesn't have much to do with age or looks, but it's clear Janet looks a youthful 86:

You sit and wonder, will my favorite artist be around in 36 years like Janet? Hell, some artists today are struggling to stay relevant. Someone in the peak of their career shouldn't be doing reality shows. You can only use VH1 as a means to come out of retirement so many times before it gets old. [plays Flavor of Love]. Well living in America, it appears that any person over the age of 40 is old. This is includes Janet, Whitney, Mariah, Beyoncé, Halle Berry, Minnie Mouse, etc. At 43, Janet is still giving the girls a run for their money. While girls nearly half Janet’s age are doing this, Janet is doing this. I know it pains the haters that Janet can still snatch their faves’ wigs, but who is to blame? Janet is like a freight train, the other flops are like Thomas The Tank Engine…while some are The Little Engine That Could. Janet can still put on a show. While some artists are still touring at family reunions and church picnics, Janet has sold out is selling out arenas and stadiums around the world. There’s no fashion gets up, no falling down stairs, no army of dancers, acrobats, or Cirque Du Soleil stunts happening on stage. I see why you’re mad.



7. She be shit’n on you hoe.





How does Janet shit on thee? Let us count the ways:

1. Chart success 

2. Record sales

3. Tours

4. Records set/broken

5. Videos

6. Blood type

7. Awards

8. Albums

9. Being a Jackson

10. Lacefronts/weaves/makeup



This is just a chip off the old block. How Janet shits on thee is endless. But because Hawthorne is about to come on, I’ll cut it short. Just know that Janet be shit’n on you hoe. [insert ghetto dance here]





8. She wines and dines with Aretha.

No, this isn’t about food. Although Janet is good friends with Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, and her neighbor Ms. Betty Crocker. It’s about respect she commands from an audience of her peers, or the generation that is stealing from her.










When Janet walks into a room, everyone stands and shows nothing but respect. There are only a few women who have such stage presence. Ciara is not one of them. She is respected by legends, icons, superstars, child custody social workers, and even the fat lady at the DMV who has no business wearing tight pants with thighs bigger than Kanye's ego. When Janet walks into a room, you stand, you bow, and wash her feet.


9. You stan for a flop.

Now I don’t mean this harshly or literally, but I’m pretty sure if you’re hating on Janet, talking about her flop albums or her lack of chart success (as of late), I’m fairly confident in my assumption of you stanning for a flop. Don’t be upset with Janet because your fave’s best selling album has only been certified double cardboard, and the singles were bubbling under the Hot 100 waiting list. Being bitter about your fave being the best selling flop, or struggling to get nominated for a Source Award does not give you the permission to hate on Janet. Once you accept Janet into your heart as your musical Lord and Savior, you will walk in the valley and fear no evil.



10. You stan for another artist.

I've noticed stans of other arists like to project their faves short-comings on Janet. The Mariah fans like to talk about Janet not selling. But Mariah is the same person who did this:



I mean, what's worse?

Beyonce stans like to hate on Janet for a multitude of reasons. Why? I don't know. Are you really free to hate on others when your favorite artist is being sued every year for song she CLAIMS she wrote, can't keep her balance on stage, and swagger jacks everyone from Janet to Captain Planet? Let's be real with yourselves, so we can be real with you. Madonna fans, well, she's Madonna. They have room to hate. But being jealous of Janet's youthful looks, her black child, and superior stage performance is rather trivial in my eyes. But as stated, I'm not an optometrist. I'm not sure if people are upset that Janet has never give the paparazzi a shot of her cooch, been passed out drunk in her friend's car, or pulled a hit in run. Whatever the case, Janet has never acted a fool in public.



So while you're pounding your keyboard spewing your hate about Janet, think about this post. Don't blame Janet. Blame yourself.

Stanning 101

It has come to my attention that the concept of stanning needs to be addressed. On fan boards, on communal boards, or wherever you are in life whilst stanning. This will be a two part series in the Rhythmless Nation.

Some of you don’t know how the stan properly.

Some of you don’t even know what a stan is.

Some of you are stanning for all the wrong reasons.

Some of you still wear high top K-Swiss. But we won’t get in to that.

For those of you who don’t know what stanning or what a stan is, kick off your shoes and relax your feet, party on down to the Rhythmless beat because I’m going to spell it out for you. I understand this is a very touchy subject for some of you, so I’ll try to keep it light.

To understand the idea of a “stan”, we need to trace our roots back to the earliest signs of stanning, which began sometime in the early 20^th century. For the sake of time (and the fact that CSI is about to come on) we won’t go back that far. In the 20^th century, artists were huge. They had huge followings. There was no term to accurately describe these homo sapiens, so they were just considered overzealous fans or “fanatics” if you will. Luckily in 2002, a rapper by the name of Eminem coined the term “stan”. What a sigh of relief it was to do away with “fanatic”. Stan had a nice 21^st century ring to it. The song "Stan" embodied all the aspects of what it means to be a huge fanatic of a music artist. And there we have our history of the word “stan”.

[sighs]

This is a very delicate subject, and we must treat it with extreme care. [sighs again] You can’t just go stanning all whilly nilly. There is an art, a science, and a math to stanning people. You have to know who you are stanning for and why you stan for them. One thing you have to remember is when you’re stanning, you’re representing not only yourself, but the artist you stan for as well. So you have to watch what you say and how you act. Remember, you’re representing a fan base, and you will be the general consensus of how stans of certain artists act. To put it in lamest terms, if you act like an idiot, people will assume all fans/stans of that artist are idiots as well. If you act smart, people will assume the same concept. Watch how you act.

When you’re a stan, there are certain civic duties you must perform. Having assorted print media (albums, posters, magazines, etc) is all fine and dandy, but I’m speaking on the social aspect. When stanning, be sure to wear your artist of choice on your sleeve. When someone asks who you’re listening to on your iPod, don’t be afraid to tell them. Be sure to wear artist memorabilia on your person. This includes but it not limited to t-shirts, buttons, pins, and handbags. People should know who you stan for without knowing your name. When someone makes a comment about your artist, understand it is their opinion. You can’t change it. However, when someone decides to get slick at the mouth, only then is it okay to intervene. Intervening can range from correcting the person, snatching a wig, or even framing them for murder. When you’re at Best Buy for example, put the artist’ most recent album in the front of their section. If there are two shelves, put the most recent album in the front on one shelf, and your favorite album in the front on the other.

The reason why you stan is also very important. Reasons will vary, but be sure to stan for the right reasons. When you stan, there should be a reason. The artist should inspire you, their music should have helped you personally, or they represent something that draws you to them.  A few examples from the kids on Janet-Xone (edited for grammar):

“What Janet Means To You?”:

“Happiness…Her music has been the soundtrack to my life (especially the Janet. album -- whew)! She's the perfect combination of talent, poise, strength, humility and beauty -- inside and out. I don't agree with everything she does or like everything she puts out there. But, she is one of the few artists who seem to have the ability to connect with their fans.”

 -cabmia

“Janet to me means inspiration. Being able to be inspired by someone you don't even know is a powerful thing. There are no words to even express to her on how much she has meant to me in my journey in life. And when someone like Janet can inspire me with words alone it's truly magical.”

 -Philly

“Long story short...I wouldn't be where and who I am today without her.”

-N2

“Janet's music was a way for me to escape when I was kid…her music represents an entirely different world. I think Janet's a very hopeful person. She's not afraid to show the public that she can be both sexual, vulnerable, and shy. She's the perfect representation of somebody who is very shy in public, but have no stage fright. She's influenced my own dancing style greatly, and she's always doing something to catch my attention.”

-Rockbird

“What does Janet mean to me? I've tried to put these to words before - quite unsuccessfully. Let's see what I can say about her...Janet is a sort of moral presence that I often think about when making decisions. If you notice in her music there is nothing hateful, nothing negative, no complaining, and no whining. She does everything with such grace and dignity and wants nothing to do with negativity or hate. She is never a victim. And has so much strength. It's the outlook that many don't have and I definitely take it to heart every day of my life. I tell myself this everyday: I cannot and will not live a life of hate. And also, Janet makes it okay to be sexual. She makes it okay to be freaky. To crave sex. To want something so intimate with someone. Yet is never a whore, never raunchy, never degrading to herself. It's this sort of proud sexual vixen personality that really inspires me. She also says it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to feel lost. Because in the end, we'll all get through it. If Janet Jackson - the strongest woman I know - says it's okay to be vulnerable, than shit --- ITS OKAY. Also, she is always out to make a difference in the world - speaking out for those who can’t and simply by being a kind human being. She has so much humility and respect for others. And lastly, I am a musician. I write songs. Her music is so complex and intricate and well written that she is an amazing source of musical inspiration, too. Her incredible outlook is heard through her music. She puts so much of HERSELF in her records and is always pushing it forward. I find it so inspiring. That is what Janet means to me.”

-Sharn

And, of course, this:

These are examples of why you you’re stanning for a particular artist. Stanning for someone because they have X amount of hits, or sold X amount of albums is not proper stanning, and is frowned upon by other stans. This also includes stanning for someone because of their image, persona, etc is not acceptable justification for stanning. You should be stanning because the music has helped you through troubled waters, their talents inspire you as a person, they have helped shaped your life, etc. Stanning should be deeper than musical. It should reach you personally, emotionally, spiritually, and to an extent, psychologically. Stanning is all about taking an artist for what they offer..and following them. You have to take the good and the bad and the highs and the lows. The good times of success, the lows of when an artist hits a snag in their career. The lows make you stronger and build character. Weather the storm. And it is here where most artists create their best work (i.e. Velvet Rope, Blackout, My Life, Dangerous, etc). Taking only the good is fairweather, and I'm sure there are many of those floating around.

So to conclude Part I of Stanning 101, understand what stanning is, what it means, and how it's done. Is there a right or wrong method to stanning? Yes. Can it be rectified? Yes.  

FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions)

1.   Can I stan for more than one artist?

Yes. However, it is confusing to be stanning for more than 3 artists.

2.   If I stan for more than one artist, do I have to like them equally?

No. It is at your discretion. You can love each equally or one more than the other. One artist may offer one the other doesn’t. Thus causing you to gravitate towards them a bit more.

3.   When picking an artist, what are some of the best options?

Your options are unlimited. The music industry has produced an array of artist to serve you if you are taste specific. Choose the artist whose music you can relate to, or best fits your interest.

4.   Is it okay if I stan for a flop?

Yes. Remember, you are stanning for talent and music, not sales, success, image, popularity, etc.

5.   How will I know if I’m a stan?

There’s a sensor in your cerebral cortex that ignites when you become a stan.

6.   My parents think I’m becoming obsessed with my artist. What should I do?

Your parents will be the least understanding. Don’t panic, this is common. Inform them that it’s not an obsession, it’s a way of life. Your fellow stans will be your best support system.

7.   What is the time period for being a stan?

It is contingent. Some people stop stanning for a variety of reasons. As long as you can find comfort in your artist, your stanning can go on for eternity. There is nothing wrong with teaching God the “If” breakdown, or helping Mother Teresa up from the floor during the “Get Me Bodied” extended dance  mix.

8.   What if I don’t find an artist I want to stan for?

No worries. This can take time. The key is to not search for an artist, but let the artist find you. Something will click when you hear a song, and the light bulb will illuminate.

9.   Is there some kind of membership fee assessed once I become a stan?

Yes. However, the fee is not monetary. We will address this is Part II of Stanning 101.

10.Am I required to like the other stans?

No. Some stans are idiots.

If you have any further questions, comments, concerns, or complaints, please feel free to drop them in the comment box below, and we here at the Rhythmless Headquarters will address them in Part II of Stanning 101. Thank you.