Snatched & Split

Snatched and Split

NEW YORK, September 15 /PRNewswire/ --

It was all cheers and tears at the 2009 Video Music Awards at New York City’s Radio City Music Hall. The show opened up with a speech from the Queen of Pop herself Madonna. After her touching tribute, the first performance exploded which featured Michael Jackson classics “Thriller”, “Bad”, and “Smooth Criminal”. One final song featured his legendary sister Janet Jackson, who had worked with Michael previously on 1995’s “Scream”. And it was then when attendees say things, got ugly.

Janet literally crashed onto stage behind a glass panel during the final number to “Scream.” From that moment attendees claim that there was an immeasurable amount of wigs that were snatched. “I was cheering for Janet when I saw a few wigs fly all around the stage,” says pop star P!nk. Ms. Jackson powered her way through her verse of the classic song, at which mildly talented artists including Katy Perry, Lil Mama, and Drake stated to be experiencing shortness of breath, as well as dizziness. Witnesses say by the time Janet reached the infamous breakdown, wigs were being snatched faster than barbecue ribs at the Tom Joyner Family Reunion. As Ms. Jackson concluded her performance, she gave one last, what young Negro children call, “mean mug.” “Janet looked like she was ready to choke a bitch” says talented artist Solange Knowles via Twitter. 

Many thought they had been through enough until Hurricane Beysus assaulted the audience opening with the hit single “Sweet Dreams,” and into the iconic “Single Ladies.” Queen Beysus arose like the phoenix from the rear of the stage dressed in the now popular leotard. Audience members say it was at that point Beyoncé was shitting on hoes. As she walked to the front of the stage, more wigs were being snatched. “I don’t think the girls used the right glue” says home wrecker Alicia Keys. As if Janet’s performance hadn’t snatched bitches bald, Beyoncé added insult to injury by dragging skulls to the white meat. “It was a mess,” says attention whore Lady Gaga. “Skulls were sliding all up and down the aisles and stage. It was like watching Mariah sing live.” By the second set of “now wait!” during “Single Ladies,” wigs were being snatched at wind speeds topping 140 mph.

A spokesperson from MTV said quote, “We underestimated the power of Ms. Jackson and Queen Beysus. We were unaware they would wreck our stage as they did. The clean-up crew will have to work overtime to salvage whatever parts of the stage they can. As for the victims of the wig snatching, they are in critical condition. The worst injuries came during Beyonce’s win for Video of the Year at which victims began suffering from severe head trauma and heart complications.”

The US Surgeon General claims the reason behind the mass wig snatching can be attributed to the lack of talent from today’s music artists. “There a hemisphere of the brain that lies just above the cerebellum that is dedicated to talent. This includes singing, dancing, performing, acting, and a special ability to end another artists’ career” says the Surgeon General. Victims of the heinous act are said to be in critical condition suffering from whiplash, bald headedness, and lack of vocal ability.

When questioned why Janet and Beyoncé chose to snatch wigs, Beyoncé gave a stank looking saying, “I be shit'n on you hoe”. Janet stated off the record that she had no intention to wreck the stage as she did. However she is offering to help pay for the replacement of the wigs, but not the stage. “A bitch got bills” she said. Civil Rights activist Tina Knowles was quoted saying, “these other girls need to step their game up. You know it’s hard out here for a pimp.” She went on to say, “I also noticed Ms. Jackson was wearing a European lacefront, and I was wondering if she would be interested in being the spokesperson for our new Deréon winter line of lacefronts.” Sally’s Beauty Supply could not be reached for comment. 

Janet and Beyoncé both agree that with people like Rihanna and Britney Spears getting recording contracts, the industry is fucked.

SOURCE: The Rhythmless Tribune

Now in other news...we have good news! First let me start off by congratulating Beyoncé for collecting her 6^th consecutive Top 40 hit with “Sweet Dreams”. [cranks the tootsie roll] She also ties the record with Janet and Madonna for most #1 Dance hits from one album. The Cadillac Records soundtrack to date has spent a total of 27 non-consecutive weeks at #1 on the Billboard Blues Chart, and 37 weeks in the Top 10 which you can read about here. And we can’t forget her display of sheer class at the VMAs when she allowed Taylor Swift to give her acceptance speech, after the first attempt had been interrupted by who President Obama calls a “jackass.” Lastly, we have to congratulate Beyoncé for getting her own book in the Bible. It will be under the "New Queen Creole Version" which you can pick up from the Wig Crypt Bookstore. No Cash on Delivery. However, EBT, WIC, and unreleased Sasha Fierce tracks are all acceptable forms of payment.

 Also, we have to congratulate Whitney Houston for her comeback album debuting at #1, with sells in the excess of 300,000 copies. The same goes for Trey Songz debuting at #3 with 130,000+. Both albums getting stellar reviews. Alicia Keys, Mike Tyson Chris Brown, Lil Mama, Mary J. Blige, and Michael Jackson all have new music coming out this fall. So be on the lookout for that as well. Keep Bow Wow in your prayers in hopes that he gets another record deal. The last thing we need is another black midget on "Where Are They Now". Gary Coleman refuses to share his spotlight.

Now on to bigger news…

Janet, has landed.

Janet is back with a new song entitled “Make Me.”

Now to maintain my sanity, I have only played the song close to 300 times since I downloaded it on Sunday night. It was given as a “gift” to the fans shortly after Janet’s VMA performance. Rumor has it, that this is the lead single from Janet’s upcoming greatest hits titled #1s, which will feature 30 of Janet’s biggest global hits. 30 is a small number, considering she has a career total of 41 #1 Billboard singles. The song is doing rather well, as it received nearly 50 spins at radio the following day (Monday), keep in mind the song hasn’t even been released to radio. This JUST might be the song to bring Janet back. I remember when Janet said she was worth the wait. You can read a few reviews of the song here, here, and here.

PS, if you haven't purchased Jay-Z, Whitney Houston, or Trey Songz new albums, please do so. Support our black artists.

An Analysis of the Beyoncé Hater

Hello all out there in the world of divas and single ladies.

Taking a break from glorifying the life form we know as Ms. Janet Jackson, I wanted to talk about the woman we know as Beyoncé. Given that Beyoncé is all us Janet fans have right now, considering Janet’s absence, I figured I could do a post about her. I dig Beyoncé, she’s not necessarily one of my faves, but I give the girl her credit. With that said, I’ve come across a myriad of haters. They seem to come in drones whenever Beyoncé is doing something. I’ve sat back and analyzed them, and I think I’ve got them down. So here’s my profile analysis of the Beyoncé hater:


Basic Info

Name: Beyoncé hater

DOB: June 24, 2003
Age: fetus – death
Weight: let’s keep it cute
Height: 4’11 – 6’3
Aliases: [irrelevant female artist] fan/stan
Favorite music: anything but Beyoncé including but not limited to Alicia Keys, Brandy, Khia, Mandy Moore, Olivia Newton-John, Madonna, Mary Wells, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, and Anne Murray
Favorite Films: Mama I Just Want To Sing, Coach Carter, Double Platinum


Synopsis

To quote Beyoncéitis in a loose interpretation, “only attractive gay men like Beyoncé. Unattractive gay men prefer other artists.”

Here we have conflicting reports. Black gay men love Beyoncé, attractive ones that is. White gay men like Madonna and think Britney Spears has talent. But for the demographic, we will talk about black men and women, both straight and gay.

The female Beyoncé hater is often unattractive, a platinum plus member of the itty bitty titty committee, and has a bad case of halitosis. She is often seen wearing denim skorts, peep toe Candies, and low grade outré premium yaki. The female hater is often a fan of a female artist who happens to be a Beyoncéitis casualty: Ashanti, Monica, Brandy, Mya, etc. Or perhaps a fan of who they think is “real” artist that makes “real” music such as Jazmine Sullivan, Chrisette Michele, Mary J. Blige, etc. The female hater thinks everything about Beyoncé is fake. Her hair, nails, personality, rib cage, etc.


The male Beyoncé hater is usually a fan of an 80s diva most youth wouldn’t know today such as Stephanie Mills, Patrice Rushen, or Teena Marie. And not even a fan of one of the bad ones like Janet, Whitney, or Sade. The male hater often finds it necessary to compare their 80s diva to Beyoncé whenever Beyoncé has something good going for her. A clear sign of insecurity if you ask me. The male Beyoncé hater is like the female. (S)He is often a fan of another Beyoncéitis victim, in addition to the 80s diva. His hate is more out of jealousy because he secretly desires his favorite artist to see the success Beyoncé is enjoying.


Common Excuses/Scapegoats

Beyoncé wins an award:

“Matthew must’ve paid for it. You know he’s on the Grammy board of voters.”

Beyoncé’s fan base increases:

“Only gays and women like her. They’re the majority.”

Beyoncé’s albums sell:

“Matthew must be buying up those albums.”

A Beyoncé song on the charts:

“LOL! Beyoncé can’t even make it into the Top 50.” [the song makes it into the Top 50] “LOL! Beyoncé can’t even make it into the Top 10.” [the song makes it into the Top 10] “LOL! Beyoncé can’t even make it to #1” [the song makes it to #1] “I wonder how much Matthew is paying the radio stations to play that crap.”

Beyoncé gets songwriting credit:

“She doesn’t write. She steals. She adds the word 'the', and she gets songwriting credit. *eye roll* That’s why Ne-Yo called her out on Irreplaceable.”


The general gist is that Matthew is the driving force behind her career. He buys her awards, participates in payola, and makes all the money. If Matthew did buy her awards, wouldn’t she have almost every award possible? Wouldn’t she have her Oscar and her Tony? Is it her fault the closest their faves will come to the Academy Awards in an online stream from their Acer laptops?


The Beyoncé hater will go to great lengths to find something hate on.

The hate includes, but is not limited to: singing, dancing, performing, wardrobe, hair, make up, knitting skills, DNA make up, skeletal structure, or the way she places the napkins in the glove compartment. They will complain about her eyelashes not being perpendicular to her sternum.

When Beyoncé falls short on something, i.e. not selling out 100%, they’ll use the “I thought she was the #1 diva in this game” line to justify their hate. Speaking of selling out, whenever Beyoncé gets positive reviews, sells out 100%, or sets/breaks a record for selling tickets, the Beyoncé hater will find a way to hate by saying something along the lines of “well she can’t selling out like so-and-so”. *snaps for the kids for the irrelevance*


Speaking of Forbes, (I know no one was talking about Forbes but whatever) the Beyoncé hater is often silent during these times. When the list(s) are released, Beyoncé is usually in the Top 10, but as of late, Top 5. It is here where the Beyoncé hater has to scramble for something hate on. They’ll find House of Deréon’s profits from the last quarter, Google some hate, or bring up something from the past such as the falling down the steps, the Destiny’s Child scandal, or even the fight she and Kelly had over who gets the last Church’s biscuit back in 1995. The first move is they’ll say “she has to do those things to make up for it with her poor album sales.” Usually that doesn’t work because it’s been used before. Next, they’ll say…well after that they don’t really have anything to say. And when all else fails, they’ll compare to her the person who is #1 on Forbes that year (which is usually Oprah).


However the Beyoncé hater does come in handy at times. You can always count on the Beyoncé hater to find out something about Beyoncé of which the fan was unaware. Did you know a Beyoncé hater found Beyoncé’s medical records and noticed she missed a hepatitis shot when she was 4 years old? She also failed to turn in her double-digit math homework back on March 8, 1994. And not only that, she filed her taxes late in 2004. You can depend on the Beyoncé hater to know her every move. He/she keeps up with Beyoncé more than the fans do. If you ever need a 60 second recap of Beyoncé’s life in the past 24 hours, the Beyoncé hater is your go-to guy. ;-)

Whenever their faves release a song, it’s always going to “shut down the game,” and/or “end Beyoncé’s career”. And when the song fails to even make the Amazon.com chart, the Beyoncé hater will also use another artists accomplishments to try and hate. They will milk another artist of relevance to not look stupid whenever their faves fall short.

Example:

Beyoncé hater: this new Adina Howard is about to end Beyoncé’s career.

*some weeks past by*

Beyoncé fan: so what happened to that Adina Howard song?

Beyoncé hater: Matthew paid the radio stations not to play it so “Sweet Dreams” would get all the airplay. Because he’s shady like that. You see what happened with Kelly leaving Music World. But that’s okay, Beyoncé better watch out for Mariah’s “Obsessed”. LOL Beyoncé will never be Mariah.

The purpose of the hate is to somehow belittle the blessings Beyoncé has bestowed upon us. The idea is to not give credit where credit is due. Unfortunately it may take her untimely passing before she gets it. Though some hate has seen little impact, most hate has been rather unsuccessful like Fantasy Ride. Whenever the hate is thick, it manages to backfire and Beyoncé is taken to another level (no passenegers on her plane, by the way). The hate possibly stems from jealousy, resentment, having nothing else to do, and just recreational hating. The projections for the next 10 years are only expected to increase. The House of Deréon projected 50 million haters by the year 2012. However as Beyoncé continues to grow, the numbers will increase drastically. So in closing, going around to different boards and seeing comments on different blogs, it’s almost impossible to get a complete analysis of the Beyoncé hater because the hate comes in various forms

http://hateonbey.blogspot.com/

http://hateonbeyonce.blogspot.com/

http://weallhateonbeyonce.blogspot.com/

http://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/top-15-reasons-people-hate-beyonce/#1

Appreciate someone while they're here....

Round And Round We Go

Good day single ladies and jumpoffs.

Well, as you can see, Rhythmless Nation Inc. is under new management. We went through a corporate restructuring, and now have a new look. If you don’t like it, live with it.


I have some very devastating news to report. Janet Jackson Forum has died. I received word from my internet browser that http://www.janetjacksonforum.net/ was no longer in existence when I tried to access the site. Yes, these are very trying times for JJF regulars. Well there’s Angie’s board. But JJF is like a BMW, while Angie’s board is like a new Kia. Things just won’t be the same. There were so many classic moments on JJF. There were so many things that were revealed during the Angie Winfrey Show. UKbrad and Sweetdream’s epic “influence” on the board. That stupid mistake Mariahisthequeen made. That dumbass account “Janet=flop.” Seanbrodie, NextJJ, and so many others. And most importantly, how many threads I saw pop up every 30 seconds about people not liking “Weekend.” May 1, 2006, the day that will live in JJF infamy. So now we must lay JJF to rest (for the time being):






Funeral services for Janet Jackson Forum will be on July 1, 2009 at the First Street AME Episcopalian Baptist Church. The family will receive friends at 1814 Control Street for the viewing, and at Angie’s board for the reception. Janet Jackson Forum was the official forum during the All For You, Damita Jo, and 20 Y.O. eras for superstar Janet Jackson. Janet news, many fights, and cock shots were transmitted on this board. We have only our memories to remind of this great place. Janet Jackson Forum has gone on to be with the Lord.

Janet Jackson Forum is survived by siblings Janet-Xone, Janet-Love, Janet-Journey, Janet Media, and Janet-Online.

The burial will take place at http://www.archive.org/.

Angie has decided to have an open casket ceremony:









One woman was unable to take the news:




Janet Jackson Forum has gone on to be with the Lord.




Okay, well now that we’ve laid JJF to rest, let’s move on.


Well as guaranteed, we start with who is important, Janet Jackson. There isn’t much going on with Janet this month. I’m sure you’ve seen those pictures of her landing in London:







Yes, she’s looking good. And let’s hope Janet has a new stylist, because we all know Janet’s sense of fashion has never been red carpet couture. And here’s our savior a week later with Prince Azim



Janet, it’s time you act look your age. Lastly, Janet is off to start filming the second installment of Why Did I Get Married?. Thank you to the sound engineer on Twitter keeping the Janet stalkers abreast on Janet’s life.


So on Tuesday Mariah decided to insult American intelligence by releasing this nonsense:





Now, I’m not too sure what he goal was for this song, but Mariah Daily says it was to “diss” if you will, rapper Eminem. Don’t ask. Well Mariah, just be ready for the backlash. He’s going to attack you and rip you a new octave if he chooses to rebuttal. Is he going to talk about that gust of air Mariah calls a voice? Will he address Emanuel Lewis Mariah has for a husband? Is he going to talk about that debacle of a performance at the Inaugural Ball? I don’t know, stay tuned and find out!


In black music history, on June 30, 1975, the legendary Natalie Cole released this classic:



The song topped the R&B chart, and peaked at #6 on the Hot 100. She went on to win Best New Artist at the Grammys, and winning Best R&B Vocal Female successfully ending Aretha’s 8 year streak, and pretty much ending Aretha’s career in the latter half of the 1970s.


Rihanna isn’t really a black artist. However the Slave Trade says she is. So I guess I can give her a little bit of shine. Rihanna’s new song leaked the other day. I guess she’s putting out albums more often than I fill up my tank. You can preview it here. I haven’t listened to the song in full, and probably wont, but I did enjoy the first 30 seconds. That’s all my music tolerance level could take from her. I didn’t like it so I had to put an “X” on it. Now that her face is back in place, she’s ready to testify against Chris Tyson in court. You can check that story out here on Rihanna Daily.


The mother ship has landed:



Yes, ladies and gents, Queen Beysus has arrived with her US leg of her I Am…The Shit World Tour. Rolling Stone is already giving her good reviews which you can read here. Now it’s time for Beyoncé to see if she can match Britney’s gross, which she wont. However she will definitely give the better show. Because come on folks, Britney’s “show” is nothing more than her backup dancers running around the stage. She’s not the ringleader in this spectacle. If you don’t have tickets to see the best performer of this generation, I suggest you get on Ticketmaster and purchase some tickets for your nearest town.


If you didn’t catch TvOne’s documentary on 80s R&B group Shalamar, I urge you to watch it. They were one of the pioneering sounds in R&B during the 80s only rivaled by Atlantic Starr. You may have heard this masterpiece:



So if you haven’t seen it, it’s on Youtube. If not catch it on TvOne.


There isn’t much going on in the rap world. Well I don’t pay attention to rap really. If it’s not 2pac, Snoop, or a few others than I just don’t care. Egotistical maniac Kanye West decided to hop on Beyoncé’s song “Ego.” Why? I don’t know. The song was just fine before he made it cliché. Allegedly, Black Eye Peas member Will.I.Am assaulted media queen Perez Hilton.



I only have one thing to say:



That’ll teach him to run his mouth about Janet and Michael. We don’t play that.

Speaking of our other savior, there have been major developments in the Michael Jackson – Raymone Baine case. Apparently this woman is suing for $44 million, which of course she won’t even get half of what she’s suing for. Suing Michael for money is growing tiresome. It was cute in the late 80s and early 90s, but at this point it’s just overkill. Anyway, as scheduled, his shows will go on for his UK “This Is It” tour. Word is Janet is supposed to be performing as well. At this point, MJ can’t afford to get outshined by his little sis again. We all know the first time it occurred....

My Interview With Janet Jackson

The youngest member of the legendary Jackson family, Janet Damita Jo Jackson grew up a shy introverted little girl. After finding success in television, Janet’s father asked that she try her hand at music. Her first two albums were met with mediocre sales. By 1985, Janet ended her contract with Fame and chose to try her hands at music once again, but her way. Collaborating with The Time’s Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, Janet released the critically acclaimed LP Control in 1986. The album went on to sell 14 million copies worldwide. Signature tracks such as “Nasty” solidified Janet’s spot in mainstream pop. Three years later, Janet sought to deal with a troubled world with 1989’s Rhythm Nation 1814. She pleaded for unity and an end to racism. The album also went on to sell 14 million copies worldwide. Follow up albums Janet. in 1993 made Janet a sex symbol selling nearly 20 million copies, and the introspective The Velvet Rope in 1997 displayed her vulnerability. She followed up her success with 2001’s All For You. It was smooth sailing for Janet until the now infamous “wardrobe malfunction” at the 2004 Superbowl. Subsequent albums Damita Jo, 20 Y.O., and the #1 Discipline received mixed reviews, and were commercial disappointments. 2009, marks a new year for the legendary performer. I had the chance to sit down with Janet Jackson earlier this year. I went one-on-one with her about her career, her love life, and her future.


Unfortunately, Janet Jackson declined our interview was unable to meet with us. However, we were forced able to interview Damita Jo.

[Damita Jo arrived to the interview an hour and forty-five minutes late. We could hear her and her friends conversing at a high volume as they walked down the hallway. She walks in. Her hair is done up like the pillars at the Taj Mahal. Her fingernails are painted a rich gold, four inches long, with rhinestones on each nail. She’s wearing the summer’s hottest outfit, a powder-orange latex pant-suit from CitiTrends. In her hand is a to-go plate of catfish, hot water cornbread, collard greens, macaroni-n-cheese, and a cup of red kool-aid, as she describes it, from Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. A plate of food that would set the Surgeon General back 200 years. She sits down and begins to eat.]

Me: Good afternoon Damita Jo. How are you today?

Damita Jo: Oh hey chile, how you durrin?

Me: I’m well thank you. I see you had a little trouble getting her on time. [chuckles]

Damita Jo: Oh yeah gurl. You see what had happen was, they aint had no catfish ready at Roscoe’s over on Martin Luther King Boulevard. So we had to get on the bus and go to the Roscoe’s over on Washington Avenue on the Souf side. [she sprinkles Tabasco sauce on her catfish]

Me: Well that must be some good food. [chuckles ]

Damita Jo: Oh yeah gurl you aint get you none yet? Guuuurl I’ma take you over there after we get done with this. They smothered fried chicken be ON PERNT gurl okay! [snaps three times]

Me: I’ll consider it. So, 2009, it’s a new year. Any plans?

Damita Jo: Well it’s been a rough year for me already. I had to go to court last week because I’ve been missing payments on my living room set from Rent-A-Center. And when they tried to come repo it, they claimed I assaulted the repo man. Gurl I aint sweatin’ them because Aaron’s got this love seat that I want.

Me: Oh well I hope that all works itself out. So let’s start with your breakout album Control. It was 1986, you just broke onto the scene with this massively successful album. How was that like? How did you feel?

Damita Jo: I was happy. I was finally able to get rid of them peep-toe Candies and got some Merona’s. I upgraded my weave from Outré Premium to Yaki. I wasn’t leeching off Mike to pay my bills like everyone else in the family. I had to give my father the pink slip because I knew he was trying make money off of me. I wasn’t having that. Who the hell he think he is…Matthew Knowles? I mean I was happy with the album. I was helping the chillun in the ghettos, and validating white people’s decision to listen to R&B music. It was just me and homegurl Whitney representin’ for the sistas.

Me: You had just gotten out of a marriage at that time. How did you feel?

Damita Jo: I did what? [she pauses for a moment and puts her catfish down] …oh James DeBarge. Him. Oh he was cool. He liked to drink. I was cool with that because daddy was a drunk anyway. But I had to let James go because he didn’t understand the concept of "puff, puff, pass."

Me: Puff, puff, pass?

Damita Jo: Yeah gurl. It’s something you learn down over on East 14th.

Me: Okay, I guess. Anyway, Rhythm Nation 1814. What brought that on? What made you want to put out an album that was so socially conscious?

Damita Jo: Well, me and my girl Starkiesha was at Montgomery Ward over on East 12th one day, and I was looking at the hot pink sling backs in the shoe section. And I looked up and there was this woman with her child at the register and she didn’t have enough money to pay for his LA Gears. And I thought that was so depressing. The little boy cried. So being the Good Samaritan that I am, I paid for the little boy’s shows. The mother just asked me for an autograph. The bitch took it too far when she started asking about my weave. I had to go be with the Lord for a minute before I lost my religion in that store. So after that we left the store, there was this teenage boy outside the store asking for money. So I gave him some cash for some food, and a dime bag of weed. I didn’t mind give out money because I was still getting my WIC checks from the government because of that secret child I had with James.

Me: Where is the child now?

Damita Jo: With Rebbie, I think. I don’t know. We pass the child around the family like currency. Anywho, I didn’t mind giving the boy money. So I felt like, I should do an album about this. So I told Jimmy and Terry about it and there was Rhythm Nation 1814. Please don’t ask me about the title hun, because I don’t feel like explaining. [she licks her fingers dry of the catfish]

Me: Okay I wont. [laughs] The album was a huge success.

Damita Jo: Yeah I was stomping over bitches left and right with every single and video I put out. Madonna was hella mad. But I wasn’t sweatin’ her. She was just jealous. Around that time some this white Whitney Houston came out.

Me: A white Whitney Houston?

Damita Jo: Yeah, you know the girl that can hit them high ass notes. Mertle, or something like that?

Me: You mean Mariah Carey?

Damita Jo: Yeah I guess. Whatever her name is. You know Whitney is my gurl so I called Whitney, but the bitch aint put no minutes on her phone, so I had to tell her at the Billboard Awards that year about Mariah. Let me tell you about Ms. Whitney. That heffa…is ghetto. She was bout ready to pull out her blade and cut some Mariah up!

Me: Wow. I didn’t know. So talk to me about Janet. and The Velvet Rope. What was the story behind these albums?

Damita Jo: Damn you ask a lotta questions. Anywho, [she begins eating her collard greens] the Janet. album was in 1993. I was feeling cute about myself because I was finally making that Oprah money. I had to close my credit card account with CitiTrends, and got an account at Neiman Marcus. I was tryna get classy. I got me some new weave and some new shit they called lacefronts. I guess I was the first black bitch in the game to have one. So we made the Janet. album, and it was another huge success. You seen the Rolling Stone cover right? That was my idea. And for some reason that heffa Madonna was still all up in my shit because her album and her movie flopped, and neither of mine did. So me, Whitney, and Starkiesha saw her behind the Shrine Auditorium, and lets just say we read Madonna her rights, and did a few other illegalities.

Me: Well, don’t you think that’s kind of harsh?

Damita Jo: Hell naw! She shouldn’t have been poppin’ off at the mouth.
[she begins eating her mac-n-cheese]

Me: Well tell me about The Velvet Rope.

Damita Jo: Well me, Whitney, and Starkiesha, because you know them my ace boon coons, was at the Magic Johnson phinna see The Lion King. We was celebrating the successes of the Janet. album, and The Bodyguard. We was slaying the girls left and right with them albums. So we watching the movie, and the part where Mufasa dies brought back so many repressed memories from my childhood. I started getting teary eyed. But I had to stop because my Revlon started running. Anywho, I told Jimmy and Terry about it, and then came The Velvet Rope. I wrote about domestic violence. I wrote about AIDS. I wrote about loneliness. I even wrote about the cashier at Popeye’s who didn’t honor my 10-piece for $8.99 coupon because it was expired. Now, when we finished the album, we took it to the label. They listened to it, and said I needed to change some of the lyrics, and remove some songs. I was like to hell with that. I put in hours making them songs. Plus, I still gotta finish paying off my love seat from Aaron’s. Because you know I gave Rent-A-Center the axe after that little incident. [she begins to eat her hot water cornbread…smacking loudly] So, I had to call Big Mama because the label just weren’t seeing eye-to-eye. I told them my mama was coming and they best leave the album as is. So my mama came into the office, and the record exec said something sideways. Me, Jimmy, and Terry promptly left the boardroom for a minute because we knew shit was about to go down. Now, I’m under contract, so I can’t say what I heard, but Mama Katherine came out minutes later and let us know to come back in. The label decided to put out the album as it was, sponsor the tour, and they even paid off my love seat. They even bought me a Kia Sephia as a gift.

Me: Wow, seemed like a big…hoopla of events [laughs] So, it’s 2001. All For You, the René divorce, MTV Icon, meeting Jermaine. Tell me about it.

Damita Jo: Well René, I talked about him on the album. Just listen to it. Truth, Son Of A Gun, it’s all there. Album debuted at #1, got my 10th #1 on the Hot 100. You know the typical stuff I had been doing since 1986. MTV Icon, they just had hella people show up that I had influenced. It was a big deal for me because I saw the impact I had made on the new generation. And I got a chance to see what they would be stealing from me in the future. I felt good about myself. I was winning awards, my album was selling, the tour was going well, and I got my new lacefronts in the mail. You know the good life. I was riding high. Jermaine came along around that time. I was wondering who let the trolls out, but he actually pretty nice.

Me: Until 2004 right? [laughs] Let’s talk Superbowl.

Damita Jo: Well long story short, we all know what happened. The media came down on me because I’m a black, I’m a woman, and I’m a Jackson. I found it odd that my white counterparts can nearly drop their children on the sidewalk, snort coke during a performance, and kiss girls half their age on stage and they get no media backlash. I guess violence is more acceptable than sex here in the United States.

[she shows me a blog to visit]

Read this blog. It talks about everything I have to say about the situation. Homegurl was speaking the truth.

[Damita Jo’s friend bursts into the room]

Friend: Damita!

Damita Jo: What’s wrong Escalade!?

Escalade: Chile they out here phinna take the Nissan Sentra! C’mon!

[Damita Jo hastily licks her fingers and puts her to-go plate on the table]
[they run out of the room]

I peer out the window to see Damita Jo and Escalade arguing with the repo man. Whitney jumps in the Sentra and drives off. The remaining two run around the block and meet Whitney on the corner. They drive off and find a secure place to park.

[they return 10 minutes later.]

Escalade: gurl that was close.

Whitney: Chile who you tellin’? [she wipes her forehead]

Escalade: Oooooh gurl they got the nice cameras up in here! Let’s take pictures.

They insist on having an impromptu photo shoot. Here are a few pictures from the shoot:

[they take a minute to get themselves together]

Me: Welcome back, and welcome Escalade and Whitney. Now, Damita Jo, you briefly spoke about artists you’ve influenced. I’m going to name a few artists and tell me what you think about them.

Damita Jo: Okay.

Me: Ciara.

Damita Jo: I’m sorry I don’t know a Cedric.

Me: Oh no I said Ciara

Damita Jo: Oh, her. She aight. I mean she aint the best singer, but the shim can move. She aint no Janet, but she aight.

Me: Britney Spears

Damita Jo: Who?

Me: Britney Spears.

Damita Jo: I’m not following you.

Whitney: Yeah I don’t know who she’s talking about either.

Me: Britney Spears. You know [sings] “hit me baby one more time.”

Damita Jo: I’m sorry, are you asking for the number to Child Protective Services?

Me: Uh, [scratches head] let’s just move on. Beyoncé.

Damita Jo: [confused look] Who?

Whitney: Oh girl she talkin’ bout Beysus.

Damita Jo: Oh Beysus. Oh that’s my girl. We was just at the flea market the other day. She aint the most original artist. She stay stealing from folk. She can perform her ass off. I see a generic version of me when I look at people like Ciara and Beysus. That’s my other ace boon coon though.

Whitney: Girlfriend hair be on point.

Damita Jo: Yes gurl, we get our lacefronts from the same place.

Whitney: From Shaniqua’s over on 33rd?

Damita Jo: Yes, girlfriend be hooking us up. We’ve been loyal customers for 10 years and we still can’t get a discount. The customer comes first.

Me: Mariah. How do you feel about her?

Damita Jo: Mertle? Well she could sing. Not better than Nippy of course. I saw her perform at the Inaugural Ball. And I’m like, “girl how the hell do you fuck up your own classic?” Jesus, take the wheel.

Me: Well how does the future look for you?

Damita Jo: Well, I’m working on a new album. I’m back with Jimmy and Terry again. It’s the least I can do since I fucked over my fans with my last tour. I had to cancel a few dates. I’m sorry but my feet was hurtin’.

Me: Well Damita Jo I’d like to thank you for your time, and I hope to see you again.